Alvarez

Twenty-two

My soul comes from better worlds and I have an incurable homesickness of the stars - Nikos Kazantzakis

Mia
Christian and I are avoiding each other. It's not direct, but it's awkward and intentional. I feel like I don't belong here anymore. Ever since we got back from Atlanta 2 weeks ago, something went completely wrong. I simply can't stand him anymore.

Some of my withdrawal from him stems from what my brother told me. I may think I know Christian well enough, but the truth is I don't. I felt reassured when we spoke at that bar, but my head isn't right. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life rushing into this, moving in here and plotting and scheming with him. I feel like an ass for going head first into this. Sometimes you think you've thought things through, and your mind traveled down every possible avenue but that's not true. You can never expect things to go according to plan all the time. Because more often than not, things turn to shit. Even though taking a chance sometimes can have great rewards, in my case I've narrowed out some possible outcomes from my idiotic decision.

1. I end up murdering Christian after finding out he did something stupid and now I'm in more danger.
2. I end up murdering Christian if he tells me about my laundry getting mixed with his one more time.
3. I end up murdering Christian because of how he leaves the pans in the sink.
Or, this one seems slightly improbable.
4. We work together harmoniously to destroy the company, save the children and I get out of here.

Our animosity is more banter and domestic than anything else. I still feel like murdering him time to time but I know deep down he still cares for me. He still makes me smile and blush against my will. He knocks on my door now and then to tell me goodnight after he argues with me about using too much of the milk when I'm baking. He yells at me sometimes when I bake something, leave it out and he tries it because it looks good. But actually tastes like dirt. I'm not a good baker, I never said I was but my attempts seem to drive him mad. He mocks me when I complain about the smell of his whiskey glass in the sink. The smell doesn't bother me, I just like to make a scene sometimes. But since I brought it up, it seems like he does it intentionally. I've flipped him off more times than I can count by now.

Although I haven't got a glimpse of the worldly Christian, or should I say the underworldly version of him, I did catch a few moments of his coldness and very emasculating nature. He can actually be a real dick sometimes.

Case in point, this morning in the kitchen. I've been losing my mind doing nothing in this house everyday and he's been leaving towards the afternoon and returning in the early hours of the morning. I obviously have nothing to say about that, because I definitely don't care but this morning he was just so rude. He's actually nauseating and part of me feels like I need to rethink this decision.

"you can't always leave the coffee pot empty, Mia."

"the coffee pot is empty because you drink all of it."

"so it would kill you to make another pot?"

"if I made coffee for you, trust me, I would poison it."

That was our conversation this morning before he huffed and left the kitchen. Coffee appears to be a sore spot for us. He seems to have driven me to a strange point of anger, and boy does he push on that point. His arrogance of late is becoming the bane of my existence. I return it as best I can, but he has the compulsive need to have the last word. So I let him, for my own sanity.

But our newfound hatred for each other aside, when the times comes for us to work together we make a good team. He's a very logical thinker sometimes and the way he's able to see everyone in a bad light really contrasts my very nature. It's like we cancel each other out, he hates everyone and thinks they're the enemy but I appeal to him and try and show they're not so bad. That's until my father comes up as the subject.