Alvarez

Twenty-three

If I had to live my life again, I'd find you sooner - Kobi Yamada

Christian
It's getting more and more difficult to pretend to hate her each day. I've been putting on a good show, but the urge to pull her to my chest and shut her up is so deafening sometimes. I love seeing her smile, I love hearing her laugh but I love pissing her off just as much. I have to distance from her for her own good, but this arrangement is not making that easy.

I run my hand over the rim of my glass, thinking of our conversation this morning. She was yelling at me about something I wasn't even listening to. All I could do was stare at her, marvel at her beauty.

"If I knew you would have been such a pain in my fucking ass I would have shot myself in the face a long fucking time ago."
"You cuss like a sailor, do you know that?" her tone is rough and aggressive, but it's difficult to take her seriously when her face is this red.
"A sailor? That's rude." I fight back a smile.
"You're insufferable, Christian."
"You're no daydream yourself, darling."
"If I'm such a bother then let me go."
"If I had to let you go, love, I'd lose my fucking mind. And neither of us want that. This city wouldn't survive it." she stared at me for too long, and then she stormed out with a huff.

It's a violent beast that threatens to escape when she walks down those steps with her silk robe and her shiny legs. She could pass for a model. As much as I want to hold her, to caress her and make her feel all the warmth she may need, the other part of me wants to bend her over this kitchen island and make her see the stars she loves so much. Maybe then she'll shut her mouth. It seems like everything I do nowadays bothers her. I don't mind it, I like seeing her all riled up. She looks like a tomato when she's mad. I'm convinced she hates me. It would be so much easier if I didn't feel anything for her. But she's all I think about. I don't understand where all these thoughts came from, and when my attraction to her became more obvious, but what I do know is that it's bothering me.

I know she wants to leave. It's a pesky feeling that won't seem to go away. It's eating at me, the fact that she feels like she doesn't belong here anymore. I know she needs some reassurance that I'm not the bad guy, but I'm not sure I can give that to her. I'm only fooling myself by keeping her here, by pretending that I can fight and find something in myself that's worth saving. Something that's not dead in me that I can give to her so she sees I'm not all that bad. I've found myself wanting to be good for her. But I don't have anything like that. Not a single remnant of the version of me that never had a drop of blood on my hands.

I could be her greatest enemy, I could be her greatest ally. The truth is, I didn't want to let her go. I wanted to lock her up in here and keep her away from the rest of the world. A little bubble where only Mia and I exist. But that can't happen. If there's anything she wants, it's to be in this world. To feel the different sand of the ocean under her feet, to feel the different air on her skin. I know she wants all of that. And I'd rather let her be happy out there without me, than miserable and caught in the underworld with me.

I'm meeting with this man from the DRC tonight. His name is Chad Neviso. Mia was so blinded by the fact that he seems like a normal person. It actually hurts me the way she sees the good in everyone. I hate watching her get disappointed, or getting her heart broken when she realizes people are actually monsters. I wish I could encase her heart like I did mine, protect her from the harsh realities of this fucked up world. It's tough to stay focused with her around. She had too much of my interest and I didn't need the distraction, yet I was too far gone.

I ensured the house would be locked and surveiled tightly till I got back tonight. The man Michael is dealing with from Italy is dangerous. I recognized him instantly. Antonio Ricci was one of the worst and filthiest men I'd ever encountered. As a matter of fact, even Axle has been trying to get rid of him. From what I'd heard, Kingston requested he never set foot in New York again and I imagine he won't be too happy when he hears his rules have been bent. Vin tracked him down in Milan and found out he was heading to New York and warned us. So I never bothered too much about Antonio, because I figured he'd be taken care of before I even blinked. It's been about 5 days since he resurfaced, and I believe his stay will be very short lived once Kingston gets his hands on him. I'd find out what his plans were here when I run into Axle again.