Alvarez

Forty

I will love you until we run out of mornings. Then I will love you in the dark.- Renaud.

Mia
4 months later
It was a rough goodbye with painful tears for me, but he smiled. Christian Alvarez smiled at me. His smile was so real it burned itself into my brain. He is by far the most beautiful man I've ever seen, and a smile on a face like his is pure heaven. I never thought I'd experience it, because all I've ever gotten from him was frowns and scowls. But he really smiled, with dimples.

It's been a long four months, and while I can say I haven't missed New York at all, I definitely missed being with Christian every day. It felt different being out here in this big world all by myself, but I have to place on record that these have been the best months of my life. Like he said, I needed to do this. I'll never be able to thank him enough for pushing me. I'm in Rome now, for what reason, I have no clue but I ended up here. I stayed in London for 3 weeks, taught in Oxford at a temporary position with my fake name and everything and I've seen everything Paris had to offer me. I've been through every inch of the Louvre, I've bought about 60 figurines of the Eiffel tower and I've been drunk so often here in Rome it's almost ridiculous.

I made friends too, a girl named Eva and another named Alison. They were so excited to meet me, and nearly passed out when I spoke Italian to them. They were the kindest people I've ever met, young and exploring just like me. I met Eva on the subway in London, I helped her pick up all her textbooks when she dropped them. And Alison I met at a coffee shop in Paris, when she spilled coffee on her dress and I gave her a sweater from my bag. The three of us are such different people, but it didn't stop us from all becoming friends. I had to be careful, of course, fully aware of my surroundings and if I'm being honest, I've never felt more free.

I was no one here, everywhere I went people didn't even bother to spare me an extra glance. Except in Paris, everyone there is so romantic and touchy it was odd. I managed to get out of a bad situation I was almost thrown into, but overall, for this first time in ages, nothing bad happened to me. People aren't after me, no one knows I exist and I adore it. I love this feeling. I'm able to smile at people I don't know, read till sunset and think about Christian as much as I like.

Ah, Christian. The love of my life. My paramour, as the English say. I can't believe I'm out here in the world without him, but I've had a piece of him with me everywhere I went. It's like I'm divided into two separate parts, and so is he. Here, half of him is with me and the other half of me is with him. It's a kind of feeling someone who's hopelessly in love will relate to. It's almost alarming, how much I feel for him. I guess it all just hit me at once. As promised, he called and texted as frequently as possible, and as I promised him, I chose to look at the world aside from him. I didn't like what I saw. Not one bit. Boys come and go, they're all so pretty here but not a single one is able to capture my attention. Even the ones my age. It's almost like I'm repulsed by anyone who's not my tesoro. He crossed my mind every time I shut my eyes. Through the spaces of a blink, I saw him. I miss him. I just want to be back in his arms.

I'm still in hotel rooms and shabby apartments that I don't belong in. Christian sent me with just over a million dollars on a black Amex, that I've barely made a dent in. Of course my occasional shopping sprees did the trick but my visits to the casino topped it right up again.

I've done my own laundry, I've seen the most beautiful canals and buildings and sunrises and rooftops and parties with beer and loud music. I had Christmas alone in my little apartment in London, which I absolutely loved. Christians gift to me was a locket with a picture of the two of us. I cried when I saw it. This, whatever I've done in these past few months is something every single person on earth should experience. You don't have to be rich to do this, I appear to be a starving young girl making her way in the world. Everyone deserves this experience. The world is a beautiful place, no matter what anyone says about it. If anything, people are pollution. People are what make places dangerous and ugly. But our world? It's the most beautiful thing. Being in nature, being around people who have no idea who you are but still make every attempt to make you feel like you belong, smiling at strangers and window shopping with people you've just met, going on tours and old bookstores and drinking the most disgusting coffee because of a language barrier. It's the type of life experiences you can't imagine until you feel it. No one else can feel it for you. Sure, people weren't always nice. Of course London had its fair share of snobbish people, but on the other side, a select few treated me like family. The university mixers I didn't belong at, my undergraduates parties and all the bonfires I was invited to showed me so much. It taught me that I love people. I love what I do, I love my profession. I love that I can walk into a university lecture room and have an impact on my students. Every single person I met told me how unbelievable it was that a four year degree brought me so far. It wasn't that, it was Christian. It was he belief in me, his confidence that I could be something great. Of course I had my own belief in myself, but hearing someone else support you is something that can't be put into words. I feel like I've only made it this far because of him. I love the thought of that.