Alvarez

Thirty-four

Maybe we look into mirrors not merely to seek beauty, regardless how illusive, but to make sure despite the facts, that we are still here. - Ocean Vuong

Mia
It's been a few weeks since Christian and I had our heart to heart. I never expected him to tell me that. I suspected something went wrong and someone was on their way to murder me but no. This was totally different. He really astounds me. He has to be the strongest person I have ever met. I understand him better now. His aversion to love and emotion. His reaction to these kids getting taken, how protective he is over me and doesn't like me to be touched. He's been hurt by his own father. It's true, when they say your family can break your heart too. He's had such a tough life, and this things he's witnessed only made him tougher than his past.

We've hardly spent any time apart, but he has been busy since he bought a new bar on Washington Avenue. The bar is absolutely stunning, a really beautiful spot but it needed a bit of work, so he's been busy with the renovations and working on getting the girls and kids he's saved into good homes. A lot of them decided they want to be adopted, so they called Christian the other day and we both went in and met them all. It was the most painful, yet beautiful thing I'd ever experienced. They were so happy and ready for a new life, but still so hurt by the one they're leaving far behind.

Today is Christian's birthday. He didn't tell me, but the other day I took his wallet for something and had a look at his drivers license by accident. 23rd October. I smiled, and watched him get ready for the morning. I didn't plan on telling him I knew, and I figured he wouldn't tell me so I planned for tonight.

I was on leave from the university, spending my days at home wrapped underneath Christian's body and marking my territory all over the house. Upon my adventures in his beautiful room, I came across Christian's closet. It was absolutely incredible. Lined with beautiful, exotic textures and fabrics. Mainly black, white and grey shirts pressed without a single crease. Everything is organized according to color and style. His slacks all neatly sectioned to another side. Bold colors of shirts, pants, coats and jackets, casual wear which is an absolute rarity I'll ever see him in, and all his ties, socks, watches, fine Italian leather boots and formal shoes. There's a thick rug underneath my feet, and this entire room smells like him. He's always dressed so pristine. Absolutely immaculate, sharp cut lines of his suit that hug his body like a second skin. It's evident he takes a lot of pride in his dressing, and his soft spot for fashion doesn't go unnoticed.

I must've made my way through an entire stack of books from my shelf. We haven't spoken about my move out of here, and we haven't said a word about Michael yet. We have no idea what we're doing, but we definitely know it isn't right. It's just...too much.

I have been feeling something for him. It's not just the domesticity of our lifestyle, or the soul shattering sex we have every single night, but it's something else. It's the fact that I know him so personally, I know him so well and so deeply it feels like I've known him my whole life. He's the first person I've ever trusted, the only person to put me first, he's done so much for me since we've met but even still, it's not that. It's him. It's everything about him. It's all his scars and his beauty, and his small smile and his low curses and the tattoos all over his skin. I'm falling for him. I know it. I can't let it happen but it may be too late. It's the fact that through all the chaos, violence and awful things in our life, Christian and I can still laugh at the kitchen table, we can still smile and watch movies and go on dates, like regular people. I think that's what's clouding my thoughts.

"I'll be home around 6. Be careful, keep the doors locked. Call me whenever you can." he says, and comes to me with a white shirt and black pants. He's the most beautiful man I've ever seen. His dark black scruff and green eyes give him an intimidating look, but his soft hands on my back are saying something different. I can still feel the scratch of that stubble on my inner thighs last night, just the slightest thought of it makes my heart point. "I'll see you later." I kiss his knuckles, he pulls me in and presses a soft kiss to my lips.