Seasons #1

Azrael

Sitting there in a room full of people, I keep my head down to keep myself calm. Every inch of my body is in pain from the amount of anxiety and panic running through my body. It took everything in me to not cry or have a meltdown in front of everyone. And to make it worse, the dumbass teacher called me out and couldn't even say my name. Fucking embarrassing. Being asked to stay behind after class to talk to me topped it off. Already making me look bad.

I walk up to his desk and stare at him until he looks up. "Ah Azrael, right?"

"Yes, Sir." I reply looking down.

"I was told you let you know that you have access to leave class anytime you feel like you need to. Just get up and walk out. You don't have to ask to be excused." He says.

"Okay." I reply still not looking at him.

"You can go now, thank you."

I nod and walk out quickly. I let out a breath and walk quickly to the bathroom. I rub water over my face and take a deep breath. I dry my face and walk out and almost run into someone. I look up and see her. The girl who stared at me in the café yesterday. The girl who I now have classes with. I look up at her and meet her brown eyes. I immediately look down.

"I'm sorry." She says. I juts smile at her and walk away trying to avoid talking.

***

"How was it?" Meredith asks me when I walk in and sigh out loud. "Are you okay?"

"Am I ever okay?" I reply as I sit down at the kitchen table and rub the sides of my head. "I've had a migraine all day and I'm nauseous from the amount of anxiety running through my body right now. I got introduced to the class by the teacher and in front of everyone told me to stay after class so he could talk to me."

"That's not bad though. What did he have to say?" She sets down a glass of water on the table and my medication for my migraines.

"He told me I have access to get up and leave the classroom anytime I feel like I need to." I take a drink of water and swallow the pills. I take another sip of water and set it back down.

"That's nice. Did you do okay today?" She takes the glass to the sink and washes it out.

"Yeah, I guess so." I think about the girl and how much I keep seeing her. Why do I keep running into her at different places?

"That's good. Do you feel like eating today? I know you're appetite hasn't been the best lately."

"I don't know. All I've had today is a soda from the school vending machine and water." I stand up and grab my bag. "I'm tired. I just want to lay down."

"Alright. Just let me know."

I smile at her and walk upstairs to my room.

In my room I set down my bag and lay down on my bed. I sigh out loud to myself and let the tears come. Its not easy trying to function every day with the same emotional feelings I have each day. I have so much hatred and depression built up that I fear every day I might lash out. I look forward to my therapy I have twice a week. My therapist is the only one I've ever fully opened up to. The only man I have ever trusted. On days when I don't see him are the worst. Sometimes I just let myself cry until I can't breathe or until I make myself sick.

My scars and cuts are the only reminder I have that I'm still alive. The pain is a reminder I still have feelings. A reminder of the pain my mother went through every day until she cried out for the last time.

I don't allow anyone to love me the way she did. She was my best friend, my mother. She was my safe place. I knew I could always run to her after I'd get a beating from my father. She would hold me and let me cry myself to sleep in her arms. Her love was the only thing I always held onto. Every day I'm reminded of how she screamed and cried as he beat her until she went quiet. It makes me sick when I think of the smile on his face and he hit her over and over again. I remember crying and him hitting me for getting sick on the floor. A worthless piece of shit is what he called me. A waste of space. The only emotions I have for men is fear because of him.

Meredith, my caretaker, is the only other woman I've ever let love me. She's the one who took me in at thirteen when I was removed from the foster family I lived with. I cried to her every night until I accepted that I would never get to go home and see my mother. The only love I will allow in my life. I'm so grateful for her and one day I'll love her like I loved my mother.