Seasons #1

Azrael

"I took a mental day yesterday. I went to the emergency room to get my wrist checked. Its sprained." I hold up my wrist so the school counselor would see the brace on my wrist.

"Alright. You sure you're okay?' She asks me.

"Yes, Ma'am." I reply with a soft smile.

She smiles back and writes out a pass card for me to give my teacher to explain I was excused for counseling. She hands it to me and I take it. I stand up and grab my backpack.

"Thank you." I smile and walk to class.

The bell rings to end class just as I walk into the room. I feel her looking at me, but I don't look at her. I hand the teacher the pass and walk out.

Someone shoves me from behind and I turn around to see Zach and his friend laughing at me. Does he ever fucking learn?

"What the fuck is your problem with me? Do I need to beat this shit of you so you understand to leave me alone?" I say to him.

"I'm afraid of you, British Freak." Zach replies as his friend laughs.

"Fuck off. I have nothing to do with idiots like you." I turn away and fall to the ground. Zach sits on top of me and tries to hit me. I block his hand from hitting my face and scream. I roll over on top of him. I put my hand over his nose and mouth and push down. He struggles under my strength. "For your own good just leave me alone. I have problems way beyond yours. I don't want to hurt you or anyone for that matter. Leave me alone or I will hurt you." I release my hand from his stand up. I offer my hand to him to help him up and he takes it. I pull him up and walk away.

"I'm sorry." I hear Zach call after me. I hold up my hand and continue down the hall to my locker.

***

"I had no intentions on hurting him. I just wanted him to understand his place. I wanted him to leave me alone." I explain to my therapist. I'm leaning on one of the pillows on the couch I'm sitting on.

"Do you think maybe you should have thought of a better way to resolve it?" She replies.

"Hm. A better way to resolve it didn't even cross my mind when he pushed me down and tried to punch me. All I saw was my father punching me for no reason. So tell me how I am supposed to think of better ways to resolve my problems when I'm afraid of being hit."

"There's always a way to resolve problems without violence. Have you done anything to help with your emotions this week?" She crosses her leg over her other leg and folds her hand in her lap.

"Well I mean I don't know. I do the breathing exercises you told me to do." I reply. I sit up and sit criss cross on the couch. "They work sometimes."
"What do you do when they don't work?"
"Well sometimes I find myself screaming at anything and anyone who pisses me off." I say with a smile.
"Azrael, be serious please. Have you been taking your medications?"
"Yes, everyday."
"And do they help you?"
"I guess so. Like on my really bad days I can feel them help keep the emotions under control." I shift uncomfortably in my spot. "There is one bad thing though."
"Tell me."
"The nightmares are back. So bad that some nights. I don't want to go to sleep. Some nights are so bad that I end up crying myself to sleep. I wake up soaked in sweat and super nauseous. I don't always want to get out of bed either." I sigh. It feels so good to be able to tell someone these things.
"I don't understand how bad it can be, but I want you to understand that it's always temporary. There's always an end to the pain trauma causes. It may not always seem like it, but I promise I ends. It just takes a while to find the peace in your trauma."
"It fucking hurts. Like a lot. I don't think I'll ever see the end of it. Its always in my mind. I can't stop it. When it's gets so bad I have to be alone. Even that's bad." I pull up my sleeves to show my scars. "It's been five days."
"Five days? That's good, it's a start." She replies smiling.
"It never lasts more than five days though. I always breakdown." I pull my sleeves back down.
"Azrael, tell me how is school going for you?"
"Shitty. I got in a fight twice. I'm pretty sure I scared the shit out of someone though. I snapped and threatened to hurt them if they didn't leave me alone." I smile. "It wasn't my moment."
"I sure hope I wasn't. Violence is never the answer. You should know that."
"I do, but it takes the fun out of me trying to deal with it. Sometimes I just think about it, but I'd never actually hurt someone. I don't want to be like my father."
The therapist frowns at me. "Resulting to violence is the same whether you think it or do it."
"I am not my fucking father! Don't you compare me to him!" I cross my arms angrily.
"I didn't say you were. I said it's still violence either way. Thinking about it isn't as bad. If you were to physically hurt someone, that would be what your father did."
"I'm still afraid of myself. Like the way I think sometimes. I'd never physically hurt someone, but the fear is just always there."
"That's understandable. You just have to work on trying to ignore the thoughts."
"It's hard." I sigh.
"I know. I'm here to help you through it." She smiles at me. I smile back. "Our time is up for today. Anything last thing you want to share with me?"
I shake my head and she leads me to the door. "I hope you have a good week, Azrael."
I smile and wave goodbye. I walk out into the parking lot where Meredith is waiting for me in the car.
"How'd it go?" She asks me.
"Good. It went really good." I smile. "We had a deep conversation that I really needed to have. I needed to hear what she said."