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twenty-one

F L O R E N C E

"... you're probably overwhelmed and confused but I want to assure you that your diabetes does not have to be life threatening. You're a very lucky girl Florence. You have a great support system. Your brothers will help you manage your diabetes, and you can live a long happy life..."

Spacing out isn't something I typically do. But I can't help it.

Waking up in the hospital, with your older brothers sitting around your bed is embarrassing. Going through that once was bad. But twice? I might as well sign my DNR, that way I will never have to go through this ever again.

Waking up knowing that you ruined your brothers celebration night?

Put a gun to my head.

Only to find out I have diabetes?

Pull the freaking trigger.

The reality of the disease hasn't kicked in yet. I'm too guilty.

He's on team Canada and I passed out? Had to be rushed to the hospital? I ruined his night. He worked his whole life for yesterday.

And I made it all about me.

I could've lasted longer. If we had just gotten to the car, and if I fell asleep on the ride home, then I would've been fine. I would've stayed the same, and possibly pass out after the day was over.

I ruined his day... he must hate me.

The doctors still talking to me, but I'm looking over at Dominic. He's listening to the doctor, his eyes glossing over with a thin sheet of tears, an unsettling shadow casted under his frown. He's still wearing his suit. All of them are. He seems like he's been crying. His eyes are a shade of pink with puffy pink eyelids. When he turns to look at me he attempts to give me a smile, but I see right through it. He's mad that I ruined his night, sad that once again I have made things about me.

This past week has only been about me:

"Make sure Florence has water!"

"Someone watch Florence."

"Hey can you sit with Flo while I take a dump?"

I've been nothing but a burden to them this past week. Now I'm sick for life. My body doesn't produce sugar properly and now I'm going to need insulin, go on a diet, and visit doctors every other week.

I want to tell Dom how sorry I am.

"... Florence you are all set to go home, I have instructed your brothers on how to administer insulin shots as well as how to test your glucose levels. I'm suggest you take it slow for the rest of the day, let your body heal and regenerate, eat healthy and drink a lot of water. Sounds good?" Dr. Whatever his name is says, clearly in a hurry treading his steps back as he talks. I send him a slight nod and he's out of the room in lightning speed.

An unsettling silence washes over us, suffocating me. No one moves, no one speaks.

When I woke up the doctor was still in the room. This is the first time we have been left alone.

Dominic looks away from me, breaking our eye contact. Emilio and Lucien sit silently. And Massimo paces.

All in our own minds. I don't pay attention and space out for I don't know how long. When Emilio abruptly stands up I come back to earth. "I'm going to pick up Flo's prescriptions."

"Yeah I will go check you out of the hospital okay?" Massimo says right after he stops pacing. Emilio's already out of the room. A single forehead kiss and Massimo's right behind him. I'm still looking at Dominic.