Oneshots Oneshots Oneshots || Laufend ||

I don't know. I'm confused. And I'm scared.

Some weeks ago
Why is he looking at me like that? He's smiling. I smile back and we both laugh because of our silly sounding teacher. I turn my head away but my smile doesn't fade.

Today. Thursday the 7th of July 2022
We talked a little before the second period. He asked me what I was going to do in the holidays. I told him that I'd do some things with friends and my family and that I would be at the stable with the horses and my friends. We laughed together. And then, he asked me for my number. I gave it to him and had this weird and confusing feeling in my stomach. Why did I feel this? The teacher didn't come so we were practically just sitting in the classroom playing games or being on our phones. I texted with some friends and played a game on my phone. Than he came and talked with some friends of mine that sat next to me. We all laughed because of E. He smiled at me again. I smiled too. After this hour we wished each other nice holidays and then I went outside with my friends that have had another teacher.
He texted me. I was in the city with my best friends and much on my phone because I texted with him what made me feel bad. During our conversation he asked me if I had the number of a girl from my class and I said no ' cause she doesn't have WhatsApp. I was confused. I had a great time with my friends. We all bought some books and had lots of fun. After the city the mother of one of the friends drove me home and I didn't have my phone for some hours.
So when I looked at my phone like 3 hours after I came back home I saw a message from him. He asked me what I did in the city and I told him that I bought some books and ate pizza with my friends. Afterwards he continued to ask things about me. It was funny. And I think I really like him.
But now it comes. He asked if we could meet up sometimes and maybe go to the cinema together on Tuesday to watch a horror movie. Well, I really don't like horror movies so he said that we could also watch ,Thor Love and Thunder' and I answered that i had to see if I have time. The thing is that I didn't want to watch this movie at the cinema 'cause it'll be on Disney+ and I told this a good friend that wanted to watch it with me today (Thursday). I knew exactly that I had nothing to do on Tuesday. But I still said it. Now you may be confused why I told him that.
Well it's simple. I had that strange feeling and I couldn't breathe. I immediately told my online friends about it and said that I needed help 'cause I couldn't control myself for some reason. Right now,  while writing this, I'm about to cry. I want to tell it my mum and I'm going to tell her 'cause she's my mother and she'll understand. I don't know what I feel. I had a perfect day and now this. How can something like this change everything? I sometimes imagine how it is like, having a relationship with someone. But now this. I know I'll have to make a decision. And that's it. That's the reason. And I'm so f*cking scared because of it. I don't want to hurt this guy 'cause he's so nice. But I don't want to get hurt again. I'd prefer to just- idk what even. I want to disappear in another world, another dimension. I want to cry, scream and get a hug from my mum. I just started crying now.
I don't want him to like me.
It felt good to get this out. To write it down.
How will this summer be? Will it change everything, again? I don't want to grow up. I wanna stay a kid and dream about my life. I want my biggest problems to be that I can't do whatever I want. Is it to much to ask for? I just want peace. I want my friends to be here, my family, my dog, my cat and my stuffed animals so I can cry and don't feel ashamed. I don't want to overthink this all! I don't want to cry myself to sleep today. I want a nice summer. I don't ever want to think about it again! Why can't I just erase this from my memory? I am just not ready. And now I know it. I always dreamed about a boy liking me and being as nice as he is, but I just can't. He's not the one. And if I'm honest, I don't want him to be. But I can't tell him.
I'm not capable of doing this.

I. Am. Not. Ready.