Lonely

No Saviours and No Survivors / Chapter I

"I am so done with this." I mumbled and clicked "send". The letter to Tamara was finished and scheduled to be sent in an hour from now. That's when I would be at the bridge. Perfectly timed. No saviors and no survivors.

I made my bed one last time, and meticulously put all my pillows next to the window. "Alright. Bye." I whispered to my room, switched the lights off and locked the door. I wasn't in a rush, I already decided that it was the end. I stepped outside and inhaled the cold, crisp air. It was a good time to leave.

I put my headphones on and played "You" by Keaton Henson. I tend to disassociate quite often, so I had no idea when I actually entered the bus and sat at the top. I only realised after I sat down and looked out the window. It was dark. The moon was somewhere there, hidden in the clouds. Light bulb in the top deck of the bus needed changing, because it was flickering annoyingly, but I decided to just try to ignore it. It wasn't long now. Once the song was over, another started playing.

Some things you can't go back to/some things need left alone

That one hurt a bit but I still turned the volume up and rested my head on the window. It would take at least 20 minutes to get to the bridge, so I decided to just listen to my playlist (ironically called "yeah i'm fine") and look at London's nightlife. Some guy was throwing up on the sidewalk, another one was fighting with the bouncer. Some apparently very drunk girl was indulging in a conversation with a beggar. "That's London for you." I thought and sighed, checking the time. I felt a sharp pain in my heart. It was starting to get a little late so I was nervous the mail would have been sent too soon. I started pulling the thread on the sleeve of my hoodie anxiously. Well, I couldn't change it anymore, it's not like I had connection now, so I decided to ignore it, Tamara would not read it anyway.

Tamara broke up with me a month ago, through a text message. "It's over between us. I don't want this anymore. Only now I realise that I'm actually not into girls. Sorry. Hope we can still be friends. T x"

This message was burned in my brain. Whenever I closed my eyes, it was as if the coldness of the message was engraved on my eyelids. We were together for almost a year. Actually today was supposed to be our anniversary. I felt used, experimented on and played with. And to think I used to believe Tamara was the one. Pathetic. Now I felt nothing. I felt empty and tired.

I wrapped the thread around my finger and pulled, so the thread was no longer hanging loosely from the sleeve. And then I heard the first seconds of the next song and I immediately started tearing up. I brushed the thread on the ground and went downstairs, said thank you to the driver and stepped outside. I was almost on the bridge, just had to take a few steps, then a few steps more and there I was. I've decided on this bridge because no one was ever there. It was unused for many years now, so I knew no one would disturb me. No one would be there to save me. I stood right at the highest point of the bridge and looked down. "Should be enough" I thought to myself.

Unbreak the broken / unsay these spoken words

Find hope in the hopeless / pull me out the train wreck

I tossed the headphones on the ground, and went on the other side of the railing, but I could still hear that goddamn song mixed with the splashes of Thames.

Pull me out / pull me out / pull me out

I looked down at the dark water, took a deep breath and leaned in.

"No." Someone pulled me right back and threw me on the other side of the railing, making me drop on the pavement. The song was still playing and I could hear the muffled tones.