change of pace

i miss her

chapter twenty three

Growing up is a weird thing.

Dad brought out some old photo albums this morning after seeing me come home late last night in Mom's dress. He smiled big when he saw it but didn't bring up anything about it.

"Right here, here's that dress you were wearin'..." Dad says pointing at a photo neatly placed in the scrapbook. There was Mom. She was standing next to a flower bush smiling at who I assume was Dad taking the photo. She was wearing the same green dress and big round sunglasses. Long hair was draped over her shoulders.
"And who's this little cutie..." he says pulling out another batch of photos, this time a photo of me in a high chair covered in chocolate cake. The date in the corner read September 6, 1967. My first birthday. Weird to think I'm 18 now.
"Hey! She's still cute." I joke which makes Dad laugh.
"Do you have any of your wedding photos?" I ask him and he stares at me for a moment before going back into the big storage bin and pulling out a blue scrapbook with flowers.

I opened it and found an entire scrapbook dedicated to just their wedding. Pictures of guests, food, and decor covered each page. Finally, I found pictures of Mom taken by her bridesmaids. She was getting ready and looked like she was so nervous sitting in front of the mirror. I smiled as I touched the photo.

"She really is a beauty." Dad says with his hands against the back of the chair also looking at the photos.
"I miss her..." I quietly say looking at another photo of her in her wedding dress smiling big.
"I do too..." Dad says before exiting the room.

I hope I didn't say the wrong thing.

After placing the photo albums back in the storage container and tucking it back in the hall closet, I headed back into my room. I pulled out my backpack and grabbed an empty notebook, pen, and my camera shoveling it in.

Today was going to be the day.

"I'll see you later tonight, Dad!" I say while walking down the hall heading for the front door.

While on my walk, I listened to the slow breeze rustling through the leaves on trees. It was relaxing. My mind kept drifting to the wedding photo album. I couldn't help but try to imagine every little emotion Mom had gone through on that day. Nervousness, fear, happiness, excitement...it was endless. What would she be feeling today? Would she feel sad still? Or would she have found a way to cope with it and put it aside. What was the final impact that made her feel like she wasn't enough? Possibly, living here, but she killed herself even before the mall fire. We've had disappearances too, maybe that's what did it.

Once my thoughts were clouded to the core, I looked up and found myself in front of a path to the woods. I took a deep breath looking up at the tall trees. Mom loved taking afternoon walks through the woods to clear her mind, but stopped a few years before she died. Around the time that one kid went missing. Same time I decided to never step foot in again. Probably out of fear.

Why do my dreams keep leading me into the woods and why can't I find her? Why was Eddie on the floor hurting and dying? What was my brain trying to tell me?"

My chest rose big as I decided to brave it and start walking into the woods. I took a seat on a rock and pulled out my notebook and pen and started journaling down all of my thoughts of what Mom would have thought on her wedding day. My cold hands shoved it back in my backpack before pulling out my camera to snap a photo of the strange looking tree in front of me. Similar to the one that Mom hid behind in my dream. I headed back down the path out of the woods and headed towards my destination.

The feeling of guilt instantly hit me as I found where I wanted to go. This is my first time visiting her and its been months. My mind worked hard trying to remember the placement of her grave. Newer gravestones lined the lot. Hawkins has seen a lot of tragedy recently. Makes me want to leave this fucking town.

I slowly stepped towards a grave marker that read 'Christina Francis Lawson. Wife and mother. Until we meet again.' My knees hit the floor as I felt numb staring at her name.

"Hey, Mom..." my eyes welled up with tears and my voice was pitchy.

I laid down at her grave for hours remembering every little memory I had with her. Her laugh kept piercing through my head as I wiped away my tears. A weight felt lifted off my shoulders.

"I'm sorry for not doing more." I say before crying myself to sleep with my head against her stone. It wasn't the same as falling asleep next to her on the couch after watching game shows.

I woke up in pitch black darkness scared and confused. Walking home in this was dangerous so I quickly grabbed my backpack and started heading out. Rain started drizzling down realizing how much I fucked up. I don't even know what time it is. My eyes were only able to see through very dim street lights. The rain picked up before pouring down, leaving me soaked. I finally found a road familiar to me. One that led to the trailer park. I quickly ran down it and found the sign that welcomed me in. Eddie's van and his uncle's car was parked out front of his trailer. I sighed of relief and carefully ran up to the door before knocking. Wayne appears at the door.

"Oh...Jessie, isn't it?" he asked.
"Hello, Mr. Munson!"
"Just call me Wayne, what are you doin out there in the rain? Come inside." he says letting me through the door
"I was wondering if Eddie is home by any chance?" I awkwardly ask, shivering.
"He is, you get warmed up. I'll go grab him." he smiles before letting me through. I try to be careful not to get the place messy with my soaked shoes. Wayne walks over to Eddie's door and knocks a few times. His messy curly hair appears at his door looking at Wayne. He must've been sleeping.
"That nice girl is here to see you." I hear Wayne's voice say and Eddie's eyes go big looking up at me.
"Jess?" he says walking down the hall. He's wearing a black long sleeve to suffice the cold.
"Hi..." I say awkwardly still shivering. Wayne smiles before heading back to his chair.
"Here, let's grab a sweater." Eddie guides me down the hall, shutting his bedroom door once we get inside.
"I'm sorry for stopping by..." I say unlacing my wet sneakers.
"What's going on?" Eddie quickly says, clearly concerned.
"I was out...and then I got lost."
"What were you doing?" he says grabbing a big gray sweater from his closet.
"I, um..." I say and Eddie helps lift my soaked T-shirt over my head.
"Jess."
"My mom's grave." I say quietly looking down. He starts pushing my hair behind my ears.
"Well, I'm glad you're safe. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really, no."
"That's alright..." he helps place the sweater over my head.
"What time is it...?" I say looking around.
"It's uhhh..." he peers over at his alarm clock, "8:47."
"Shit!" I say panicking. Dad's gonna kill me.
"Relax, babe, just give him a call. There's a phone in the kitchen." he says and I nod.
"Maybe you can spend the night? Its safer than driving in the rain..." Eddie says making a point.
"Okay...do you have something I can wear tomorrow at school?"
"Of course, sweetheart." he says kissing the top of my head. He led me to the phone and I dialed waiting for my Dad to pick up.

He was worried but was thankful that I was safe. It was definitely a stupid move to not tell anyone where I was going.

Wayne made us some TV dinners and fell asleep on the couch. Eddie and I ate in his room. I took off my jeans to let them dry for tomorrow and slept in a pair of Eddie's boxers and the same comfy sweater. He sat on a stool in his room and played his guitar quietly, un amped, while I snuggled up in his blanket watching him. The sound of the rain against the roof and his hands sliding on the neck of the guitar drifted me to sleep.