Our Heart | WandaNat x Daughter

Chapter 2 - Let's Back Up

I first saw Jay Hunsaker in my music class with Mrs. Lily. This was my favorite class of my junior year. Music came easy to me whether it was piano, singing, violin, or guitar. I loved composing. Ever since I was little, anytime a movie was on, I would be paying attention to the soundtrack instead of the dialogue. When watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, mom had to rewind 6 different times because I had missed the dialogue. John Williams was just too good to miss!

Jay and I were partnered together for a composition competition that Mrs. Lily loved to have in class. We were assigned to create an 8 measure composition with the best melody. Simple task. But Jay and I couldn't stop talking about our favorite composers. John Williams, Alexandre Desplat, Hans Zimmer, Max Richter, Bear McCreary and my all time favorite, James Newton Howard. We always had our headphones in for "inspiration to strike," we told Mrs. Lily, but really we were trying to tell each other how much better the other's song choice was.

We eventually got the assignment done and even won! With help from Mrs. Lily, we composed a whole song with any instruments of our choice. We of course chose the standard orchestra instruments. I took some inspiration from "Lily's Theme" and "Dance of the Druids" and sang the descant of our winning melody over the orchestration. We got to present our composition at the orchestra concert. Mom and mama were both so proud of me and my hard work. They awed at my voice and were in tears when I greeted them after the concert.

That seemed to be the last time I remember being passionate about something.

When mom and mama met Jay that night, they instantly got a gut feeling. They couldn't tell if it was good or bad yet. They pushed it aside when I was marveling over him and our work together. I had the biggest smile on my face and that has always been their weakness. They loved seeing me so happy and thriving.

If only they knew what was to come because of that class I had with him.

After about 3 or so months together with him, that's when he really started to show his true self and motivations. "Are you sure you are going to eat all that? Damn, I can't even eat that much in one go." He said as he looked down at my plate of a healthy serving of baked Mac n cheese with a side of veggies Mrs. Hunsaker had made for dinner. "No probably not, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach." I replied making light of what he had just said.

I wasn't unhealthy. I knew how to control my appetite and would listen to my body whenever I was hungry or was beginning to feel full. I grew up with a great relationship with food. From mama's cooking and baking from whatever she was growing in the garden, to mom's favorite Chinese restaurant 5 blocks from our house. They never had to trick me into trying something new or eating healthy foods, I always enjoyed it on my own. I wasn't the typical child. And they relished in that.

This behavior from Jay only got more and more controlling and frequent with anything I did. Making sure I only ate at times he approved, dressed in whatever clothes he approved of, and spoke only when spoken to. But at the same time, he always then complimented me on how good my figure was looking and how hot I looked in my clothes. I certainly didn't feel hot but I went along with it. It felt nice having his validation.

Another thing I was raised with. Validation and reassurance. Mama always telling me, "Baby! You look so beautiful! How did you become this beautiful?! Nat, look at our beautiful daughter. You and I created this work of art!" She said as I had my back into her and she had her arms wrapped around my front resting her chin on my head. "She sure is a work of art, Wanda. How did we get so lucky?" Mom answered pressing a loving kiss on my forehead.

I missed that so much. I received affection from them everyday whether it was a greeting coming home from school, waking up from a nightmare, or whenever they felt like a hug from their heart. That's what they always called me. Their heart. They always told me I brought them together in a way they never thought possible. They share a heart that wanders out in the world, but also loves being near them basking in their love and affection. Without me, they wouldn't survive, they always told me.

Now I can't help but think and feel that I am now a barely beating and damaged heart. I wouldn't let it show though.

"Why the fuck was Haylee making heart eyes at you today in history?!" Jay said as he gripped my right bicep too hard. That was gonna leave a mark. "I don't know I didn't even notice she was looking over at me! I swear Jay." I rebutted trying to get his hand off my arm that was now cutting off circulation. He let go and walked away scoffing. Guess I'm wearing long sleeves for the next week.

That was the first time he left a bruise. And a nasty one too. It wouldn't be the last. I seemed to always have a bruise on the front of my biceps. As the school year ended and summer came along, it was getting almost unbearable to wear long sleeves and heavy sweaters to hide the fact that I had lost a lot of weight and trying to conceal all his marks. I resorted to heavy concealer so mom wouldn't question why I was wearing hoodies in the middle of summer. Much to Jay's credit, he never left a mark from my biceps up. Smart. He knew of my both my mothers time in the Avengers and their training. I can't even imagine what they would do if they found out what he was doing to me.

At home I was able to put on a brave face and chipper mood to cover up the fact that underneath I was sore and broken. Not just physically but mostly mentally and emotionally. I would participate in family movie night and nightly dinners. I stopped seeking physical touch from them however. They would be able to feel the ridges of my ribs and how my hips would press into their stomachs whenever I would hug them.

Food wasn't that enjoyable anymore. I still ate when I wasn't around Jay to keep my strength up. The only joy I had left in my life was my music. If I wasn't composing I was playing. If I wasn't playing I was listening. It helped ground me and remind me that I was still me. I really thought that eventually I would gain the courage to try and change Jay. I was like my mama that way. Always trying to bring out the best in people. Never shying away from an opportunity to help someone and make sure they knew they were appreciated.

Now I never looked for those opportunities. It would require me to tell people that life would get better and it's better with them in it. I don't know if I believe that myself anymore. It would be so easy to slip away. But I can't do that to my moms. They have always been there and have always provided me with more than enough. I had to hold on for them. Maybe they could help me get out of this situation and could pull me back to reality in their loving touch and solicitous words.

No. They can't know how far I've slipped. They can't know that I can't even bump into someone on the street without beginning to hyperventilate. They can't ever know of what my true physical form has turned into. Mama can never look into my tormented mind and see what I believe now. What Jay has ingrained into me. It would break her. She has enough grief and pain in her mind. I'm supposed to help alleviate that. Make her life easier so she doesn't dwell on her pain. Mom would say that we're are too alike in that aspect. But mama would retort back that I act like I have it all together like mom does. Funny how that can work.

I know I need to figure out a way to escape this. I just don't know where to start. I guess I'll figure it out later on. Right now, I just have to learn how to cope and deal. I could do that.

I could do that for my moms.