come out and play

four ༊*·˚

Luca 

"You know you can't avoid me forever, right?" Billie said the second my eyes met hers. Before I could think of some shitty excuse allowing me to not talk to her right now, she stopped me and continued on. "You know I've struggled with my mental health in the past right?" she asked. Confused, I nodded and she spoke again. 

"My go to was to shut everybody out so I could just waste away in peace, but I'm not gonna let you do that. I love you and I want you talk to me about whatever your feeling. Let me in please?" she asked, gesturing past me into my living room.

I bit down on my lower lip, "It's stupid," I mumbled with sigh, shaking my head. Billie bent down slightly so she could catch my gaze again. "Luca. Talk to me."

My eyes started to prick with tears. I brought my hands up to my eyes to hide them watering and turned to face my body into my house. Billie stepped up through the door to wrap her arms around me, "I've got you. It's okay to feel like this."

Her comfort only made it harder for me to keep it together, and quickly it proved I couldn't hold myself together at all anymore. My knees buckled and I crumbled into Billie's arms, my cries becoming audible and embarrassing me.

"I-I'm sorry-" I tried to apologize mid sob but Billie only hushed me and hugged me tighter. "I don't want y-you to be mad at me-" I tried again but she shook her head into me. "I wont be mad at you, I promise," Billie reassured. 

With my mental capacity it wasn't long before I was exhausted and my body couldn't continue to cry anymore. By that time we had moved onto the sofa and Billie was letting me re-group for a little while before asking anything of me.  

"I want you to just talk to me. Everything you want to get off your chest, and I'll just be ears," Billie said finally. "I don't know if I can even say it out loud." I murmured into my knees that were brought up to my chest. "I know it's scary but you're very brave, and I think you can do it. You can always just try?" she suggested.

I let out a shaky breath and leant my head onto my kneecaps. "I don't know if we can be together anymore." I told her, my heart in my throat. Sweat beads were starting to break out on my forehead and on the back of my neck. Billie was quiet for a moment, my stomach muscles quivered with anxiety. 

"Why's that?" she asked sceptically.

I could taste bile in my mouth as I tried to say it, but I couldn't. 

"Luca?"

"D-Don't call me that!" I suddenly snapped. Billie looked taken back by my outburst, but her face soon softened. "Okay. I'm sorry. What would you like me to call you instead?"

"I-I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet." I mumbled shaking my head. "Okay." Billie replied. "Has that got something to do with what you are scared to tell me?" she asked, earning a nod from me. 

"Okay." she replied again.

My heart was hammering in my chest, adrenaline pumping through my veins. "Billie?" I asked. "Yeah?" she answered. "I-I don't want you to call me Luca because I don't want to be him. I want to be someone else. I need to be someone else." I told Billie.

"Do you know what that person looks like?" She asked. I nodded. "Can you describe them to me?" She quizzed. Hearing Billie using gender neutral pronouns made me question if she had caught on to where i was going, which almost made it easier to say.

"They don't look like me." I said, Billie looking at me in a way which made me feel the need to go on. "They have longer hair. A-And they wear makeup, and lots of lip gloss, eyeliner and that kind of stuff. Nail polish too. They wear dresses and skirts and crop tops, and," I was getting louder and faster the more I went on but it quickly died down as I reached the end of my description.

"They are a girl."

After I was met with silence I gathered enough courage to look up to Billie. I couldn't tell what her expression was but she suddenly pounced into my arms. "I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me. I would never hate you for such a thing. I love you, no matter what." Billie admitted hugging me tightly, loving me for who I was.

I started to cry again. I was undoubtedly overwhelmed but sort of in a good way. I did not expect this conversation to ever go this well. "Don't even think about me, love. I will be there for you and support you the whole way okay?" Billie said looking up at me from my chest.

I nodded, rubbing my teary eyes and resting my head onto Billies. "T-Thank you. I love you too." I sniffled. "Always, my love. Always."

"Can I just call you L for the time being? While you find something you're okay with being called?" Billie asked. "Yeah, that's okay," I half smiled at her being so thoughtful. "You're perfect Billie. An angel." I whispered.

"Can I make you dinner?" Billie asked quietly after a while of us just enjoying each others presence. "Uh sure, if you wanna?" 

The girl smiled and hopped up off my chest. "I'll make your favourite," she smiled and scrunched up her nose before disappearing off into the kitchen. I sat in place for a moment, a warm feeling settled in my chest. 

I felt flush and my stomach was filled with apprehension, but it felt okay. I got up from the couch and followed after Billie, feeling like the world had just been taken off my shoulders. I didn't want to think about tomorrow, and what was going to happen in the future. 

I wanted to stay in this exact moment, just the two of us.

a/n: this is not how every trans fem views her femininity, it's solely the way i think 'luca' would view hers <3