I sat with my legs up on the couch, the back of my body leaning into Billie's front. I thought it would be better with her out of the room, but once she left I had a little bit of a panic attack, so Dylan brought Billie back in. She continuously ran her fingers through my hair, and even though it was causing goose bumps to cover my scalp I enjoyed the feeling very much.
"When did you first realize something wasn't feeling so normal, or like how it used to? Did something suddenly switch or was it a gradual process?" Dylan asked me, tapping his pen on the binder he was holding on his lap.
I blew out a breath and sunk into Billie. "I think it's always been like that. I've always felt a bit different. I thought I would grow out of it or something, but it only seemed to get worse once I hit puberty. It really started to weigh on me, but I pushed it down, until recently, uhm, Billie was on the phone, with one of her friends-"
"When was this?" Dylan quickly clarified before I could continue. "5 or 6 months ago, I'd say." I shrugged. He nodded so I kept going.
"She was talking to one of her girl friends, and the way she was talking to her was so different to the way she talked to me. The conversation and all the names Billie was calling her stuck with me. I wanted to be on the other line so badly. I used to replay it in my head and pretend Billie was saying my name and talking to me to feel a sense of euphoria. It's kinda lame if I'm being honest, but that was when I kind of started to make connections. I stopped doing it after a couple weeks because I felt ashamed. I thought I could push the feelings down again but I couldn't."
"Really? Is that why you left my house early that one time when you said your stomach hurt? I was on the phone to Zoe for like an hour that day." Billie asked after a couple seconds. "Well my lie was half true. I did have a sort of stomach ache but yeah, It was that day," I admitted.
"Did you start to notice a change in Luna after that day?" Dylan asked Billie. "I think so, but Luna's always been a self conscious person so it's difficult to try and pin point when it started going downhill. She didn't want to change in front of me anymore, and she's going to hate me for saying it but we haven't been intimate for a while. I didn't question or push it though, I just assumed she was having a hard time and didn't feel like it." Billie answered making me let out a noise of embarrassment and playfully slap her.
"Told you."
"When she told me, I was surprised but I wasn't shocked. I knew something wasn't quite right, and it made everything make sense, and I'm sure once Luna realized for herself it did for her too." Billie added. I nodded in agreement into her.
"Who have you told Luna? I know your relationship with your parents is rocky," Dylan quizzed, looking through some papers. "Just Billie and you." I said, "I wouldn't of told anyone if I didn't have Billie." I added. Billie smiled into my head and pulled me closer, pressing a kiss to my forehead.
"'Love you, baby." She whispered into my hair. "'Love you too," I whispered back, tilting my head up so I could see her. Dylan smiled.
"I know it's early stages and please don't take this as me trying to rush you, but I just thought I'd give you this." He said, handing me a pamphlet of some description. "It's everything you will need if you want to start medically transitioning, take all the time you need and remember that you don't have to, but as your over 18 you can get gender reassignment surgery down the track if you wish."
"Thanks, uhm-" I said awkwardly. Billie could tell it made me uncomfortable so she gently took it from my hands and put it out of my vision. "You really don't have to think about that stuff at all, don't stress yourself out." He said.
I nodded in understanding.
"I know this has been a very long and difficult session for you so I do want to let you go but I do just want to quickly give you and Billie some advice for dealing with the gender dysphoria you were telling me about earlier." Dylan said cautiously.
"For the long term, treatment options might include, hormone therapy, surgery, voice and communication therapy and behavioural therapy, but again, it's 100% up to you on how you want to express yourself. Other ways to ease gender dysphoria might include use genital tucking, waxing and shaving, expressing your gender through how you present yourself, like the clothes or makeup application," He continued.
"But please remember to take care of yourself and your mind. It's the most important thing when going through big changes physically and mentally."
Billie and I both nodded, even though Dylan said basically everything I already knew. It was affirming to know what I was doing was the right thing though. "If you have any questions or problems you know you can call me. In the meantime I'll look forward to seeing you soon, Luna. Be good to yourself, kid."
I nodded and sat up, ready to finally get the hell out of there. I have a love hate relationship with therapy. I like the guidance and the structure it gives me but when it comes to the serious stuff it almost makes me want to die more talking about it, as ironic as it is, it's true.
Billie and I walked back down to her car in silence, enjoying the presence of each other. I put my arm around Billie's shoulder as we reached the car. She unlocked it and pulled away from under it, then reaching up to cup my cheeks to press a soft smooch to my lips. I smiled as she pulled back, putting my hands on her hips.
"Thank you. For everything." I said gratefully, resting my head down on her shoulder. "Don't even worry about it, you did amazing. You are so brave, you know?"
click.
Billie's head snapped around, her hands still on my face. "Are you fucking kidding me? C'mon Lu, get in the car," She said dropping her hands and opening the door for me. I hopped in and buckled myself in. Billie jogged around the car and hopped in herself. "Did they get us kissing?" I asked nervously, biting on the ends of my fingers.
"I don't- I don't know, I won't know until it's fucking posted everywhere. I'm really sorry Luna, jesus these fucking paps dude. I don't know how they find me," Billie sighed, driving out of the parking lot.
I turned on my phone and clicked onto twitter, scrolling down on the feed to refresh every couple of seconds the whole ride home even though Billie told me not to.
Eventually, my worst nightmare came true.
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pagesix.com: BILLIE EILISH SPOTTED COZYING UP TO NEW BEAU
