come out and play

ten ༊*·˚

Billie

"Hey Claudia. Do you know where Finneas is?" I asked the girl in the kitchen as I walked into their home. "Oh, hey Billie. He didn't tell me you were coming over today. He's in our room." She replied, looking up from the island where she was preparing something in front of her camera. "Yeah, sorry I didn't tell you. Something came up. Thanks," I said walking past and toward the bedroom. 

I knocked on the door quite aggressively before barging in and scanning the room to find my brother. His head popped out of the closet looking very confused. "Hello?" He asked. "Dude. I need to talk to you right now." I said shutting the door behind me and walking over to the closet where he was.

"Is it about those photos that were posted earlier?" Finneas asked. I nodded. "So what if people know your in a relationship, they were gonna find out sooner or later," He shrugged. "No I don't give a shit about that, well mostly, anyways not the point. I've got to tell you something really private so please don't tell anyone just yet." 

Finn put down the shirt he was folding and leaned against the door, giving me his full attention. 

I appreciate those little things about him.

"So obviously you remember when uhm...Luca, was ignoring me," I said, cringing as I said Luna's deadname. He nodded, "Is he okay now?"

I visibly cringed again. Finneas cocked his head.

"When I went over there, ...he... told me what was going on," I said, again feeling terrible for saying it even though Luna wasn't in ear shot. I was quiet for a minute trying to word it properly. 

"Luca isn't- Luca's trans, Finn." I finally managed to spit out. "Oh, wow." was all Finneas could say. "Are you still together?" He asked. "Clearly, you dumbass. What I'm saying is I can't have people talking about this 'boyfriend' because I don't have one. I have a girlfriend, and I don't know what to do, she can't be seeing all that stuff saying my new 'boyfriend' or whatever, it'll destroy her. She just came out and she's only told me. Coming out is hard enough, let alone having people misgendering you all over the internet."

Finneas was quiet in thought for a long time. "Do you wanna say something?" He asked. "I don't know if it's a good idea. I need to somehow keep it under the radar for the time being." I said, running an anxious hand through my hair. 

"Okay, let me go call Danny. You go home and try and forget about it for the time being. What's uhm her new name?" Finneas asked. "Oh, yeah, it's Luna. Thanks," I said before giving him a hug and heading back to the car.

I said a quick goodbye to Claudia as I walked out.

I hopped back into the drivers seat and shut the door behind me. "Did you get it?" Luna asked as I buckled myself in. I nodded. I felt bad going behind her back and outing her to Finneas but I didn't know what else to do. 

"Can I listen?" she asked. I told her I was going in to quickly grab a USB from the studio with my new song on it, so I could work on it at home, but clearly I don't have it on me because it's not what I went in for.

"Uh, yeah. When we get home though."

She nodded, satisfied with the answer thankfully. 

✧.*

Once we got home, I quickly went to my room to get my laptop and the USB I had already from my bedside table drawer. "It's not finished, I'm still working on the second verse." I explained as I came down the stairs. "That's okay. All your songs are amazing, start, finish and end." Luna shrugged. 

I felt nervous showing her this song, since I wrote it about her when she left me that day when we were swimming. I set up my computer on the kitchen table and played for her what I had so far. 

"I don't wanna talk right now
I just wanna watch TV
I'll stay in the pool and drown
So I don't have to watch you leave
I put on Survivor just to watch somebody suffer
Maybe I should get some sleep
Sinking in the sofa while they all betray each other
What's the point of anything?

All of my friends are missing again
That's what happens when you fall in love
You don't have the time, you leave them all behind
You tell yourself it's fine, you're just in love

Don't know where you are right now
Did you see me on TV?
I'll try not to starve myself
Just because you're mad at me
And I'll be in denial for at least a little while
What about the plans we made?
...

Now all of my friends are missing again
'Cause that's what happens when you fall in love
You don't have the time, you leave them all behind
And you tell yourself it's fine, you're just in love

And I don't get along with anyone

Maybe I'm the problem?"

Luna sat with her head resting on her hand, listening to the rough draft in silence. "It's beautiful, Billie," she spoke up once she was sure it was over. "You think so?" I asked, shutting the lid of my computer. "I do...What's it about?" She asked cautiously. 

"I think you already know..."

"Me?" She asked.

I nodded, looking away from her gaze. "It was before I knew anything though. I didn't mean to make the situation about myself-" I started to apologize but she dismissed it cut me off. "Don't be stupid, what I did wasn't something to be proud of, I know that. Being scared to tell I was trans is only a reason, not an excuse." She said.

"Listening to that is actually reassuring to know you cared that much. Although I love your big heart, I can't help but feel so guilty knowing I hurt it."

"Please don't. It's nothing a little loving can't fix."