Baby Honey - H.S.

24

Rosie

The Citadella.

It's always been my favourite place. I loved climbing up to the top of the hill and standing in front of the massive statue, just looking down at the city below me.

I feel big when I'm here.

It feels like everything around me is small and I can overcome everything. All of my fears, all of my heartbreak. I feel strong enough to fight when I'm up here.

I used to sneak away from Adam's tight grip and escape here to just catch a break. The view is beautiful, it's quiet and peaceful, especially at times when the tourists don't bombard it. But even then it's just too beautiful not to be mesmerised by it.

After having a very long, detailed conversation with my brother and dad, I stayed the night. It wasn't my plan because the last thing I want is for Adam to find me but I had to stay.

My mother is dead.

After explaining to them what happened to me throughout the past four years, I asked where my mother and Nonna were. They were scared to say it out loud but I managed to get it out of them.

Turns out, mum passed away two years ago after battling cancer for six months. The tumour spread around very quickly and my mother couldn't handle it. The treatments didn't help and she couldn't fight any longer.

I cried for hours in my father's arms, in my old room on top of my old bed. I blamed myself for leaving her alone. I blamed myself for her death. I hate myself for not being there for her but I hate myself even more because I never got to explain to her why I did what I did. I could never apologise for being a bad daughter.

It's been two days since I found out about her death.

Two days of more misery, loss and grief. I don't think my heart's ever been so broken before.

I wonder how I'm still alive.

I spent yesterday at my mother's grave alone. My dad and Geri wanted to join so I would be safer but I refused. I wanted to be with her alone.

I sat next to her grave for hours, telling her everything I told the boys. I apologised many times though I can never be forgiven.

For hours I cried. I begged her to come back and hold me just one more time. After the sun has set and my chest felt somewhat lighter I gathered myself together using the last ounce of my strength and went back to my hotel.

I needed time to cope before seeing my dad and Geri again, not to mention I'm yet to see Nonna. My dad told me he would tell her that I'm back in advance. He was scared that if I just showed up at her house she would have a heart attack and he was right. It's better to prepare her before we meet again.

Today I spent the day in bed, trying to heal but it feels like an impossible task to do. I don't know how I can go on with my life knowing the person who gave birth to me is no longer here. I can't ever hug her again.

I remember the days when she braided my hair for my dance classes. I always sat on the floor while she sat on the couch and did my hair. The TV in the background was on because my father was always watching some sort of football match.

I miss her so much. I wish I could hug her just one more time. Just one more hug.

Now I sit on a bench alone, staring at the view ahead of me. The entire city of Budapest is lit up, with multiple boats floating on the river Danube. I can see the parliament, the many bridges. Everything.

I only just realised how much I missed this city. I always loved living here and growing up here. Sure it can be chaotic and busy but London's not any better.