Baby Honey - H.S.

21

Rosie

I really thought leaving Hungary that day was going to be the worst day of my life.

Turns out the pain and guilt I felt that day wasn't even close to the pain I feel now. I can't sleep, I can't stop crying, and my chest physically hurts every minute of every day.

My phone is something I've kept muted ever since that night. I don't want to talk to anyone, I can barely even look at myself in the mirror.

I always hated myself for being the type of person I am but now, I despise myself. How could I have been so cruel to allow not only myself to fall for him but him to fall for me? If I kept everything to myself and stayed on the low, this wouldn't be happening right now.

I got the letter on the same day I left my past home just four years later. Could be a coincidence or a sign but to me, it just meant the end of everything. My entire life, Rosie White, my relationship, my friendships, my family here — the end of it all.

I opened the letter right before the show and honestly, I wasn't surprised. I prepared myself for the worst in case this would happen and so I wasn't that under the weather. I knew my time was limited with the band, with Harry so I tried my best to will away my tears and bad thoughts and enjoy the concert.

I didn't think I would tell Harry about it that same night. I was planning on waiting for a few days, to see if I can figure out an option for us, for me but I was impulsive and after his monologue at the zoo and the whole date he set up, I just couldn't ignore those feelings.

I regret the way I left him there. I regret breaking his heart. I regret allowing myself to be close to him. But I don't regret a second of the moments we shared together. I don't regret opening up to him about who I really am, about my past, my trauma.

I don't regret falling in love with him.

I love him. I love him more than anything in this world and I simply can't stand the thought of him suffering because of me. I can't stay here and I'm not going to let him throw away his entire life and career for me.

I'm not going to lie, I wasn't expecting him to ask me to marry him. When he asked me in the car how I felt about marriage and kids, I answered him truthfully. It is something I want in the future if the situation is right. Everything he described to me is my exact thoughts. I fantasized about our future too but I didn't let myself get too carried away, knowing I might have to go soon.

It's been four days since that night. My last night with Harry Styles — lead singer of the band Honey, son of Anne and Desmond, brother of Violet, best friend of many, and most importantly, the love of my life.

For the last four days, I've been either laying in bed, writhing in the misery that I caused myself or forcing myself to pack my bags. I only have two days left here before my flight — that I booked on the night of our breakup. I knew if I didn't book it then, I would've never done it and I can't legally stay any longer. I have to go.

Now I sit on my floor, folding clothes into my suitcase. My room that was once holding memories and decorations of who I was here, is now empty. I packed them all up into a box that I intend to keep here for Bobby and Niall. I'm only bringing a few memories with me, like my polaroids, the Eagles t-shirt Niall gave me for Christmas last year, the gold necklace I always wear with the rose pendant that Bobby gave me for Christmas four years ago, and the bracelet I got from Harry.

Applying for residency is a difficult and long process so even if I tried to do that and wait to get accepted from Hungary, it'd probably take years. I have to come up with a new plan because I don't think I can stay in Hungary for very long. I don't think my mental health can handle it.