High Expectations (sasunaru)

11.

He was right, why fight something when you're bound to lose? I seem to get the worst type of luck around here, I didn't know I'd have to fight for my spot in line...only to lose it. I feel like a lost cause, the words he whispered in my ear, the words that resonated off the walls, I want you, those words that made my heart melt. Did he even mean them? If he did mean them, why would he betray them?

I can't think straight, there's too much alcohol pulsing through my veins. Typing on this wack computer made matters worse. Although I had the same device, this one was contaminated with Neji's bullshit of an aura while the other solely belonged to me. Why in the world did I choose to sulk in Neji's arms about this anyway? God...if you're reading this, can't you just let a man be gay in peace?

"Almost done?" I raised my head at the sound of his voice and wiped at the tears that threatened to spill from my sorry eyes. I ignored the siblings' presence and pressed my weighted fingers against the plastic keyboard, trembling and hesitating before the many keys. "Sasuke you're really starting to freak me out," he approached me slowly as I kept my gaze locked on the blazing screen. I tightened my jaw and inhaled through my nose, shutting my eyes for a brief moment as I let my salty tears seep through my pale skin.

"Nothing to fear, I'm almost done," I spoke assertively as he watched me from a meter away, debating on whether he should come close or keep a safe distance from the man who remained calm when his life had been falling to pieces right before him. I had an urge to gouge my eyes out, let my sockets bleed, and fill my face with twisted patterns of sinuous blood while they burned with such everlasting pain. I hated watching him, obsessing over his dignified self while I stood so far in the pits of despair. If I hadn't been forced to watch him, if I hadn't been forced to desire him then perhaps I wouldn't be shielded by fear. Why does my sexuality control my being? I want to store it away like how you'd keep your childhood bike chained to the walls of your garage. Let it rust and consume dust as it soon becomes nothing but a memory, a childhood phase.

Why wasn't it a phase? Why did it last when I wanted it smashed? Why does my fixation grow with every longing day when I could be normal? Fit my hand around a smaller one instead of a similar one. I've become impulsive, letting my forbidden desires run my mind while they put my life at dying risk each time. I wish it was as simple as clicking a button, one that holds an on and off option. I wish my sexuality could've been switched in a nick of time, choosing to love someone you wouldn't need to hide from. Why have I been burdened with this curse?

I lifted my arm and watched as it shook before my view. Ignoring the light-colored eyes that swiftly found mine, I pressed my palm against my left eye and caught Neji cocking his head towards the right. He seemed confused from the way I randomly covered my view. However, he swiftly caught on and appeared to gain an understanding of the metaphor I chose to express. The way my eye had been covered from the truth brought me an immense amount of comfort. The blindness and lack of light had ushered a sinister smile to the dawn of my lips.

"Would you call me crazy if I plucked my eyes out?" I kept my hand locked in place while Neji furrowed his eyebrows and nervously rubbed his forehead.

"No," he answered briefly, resting his elbows above the computer screen.

I slightly raised my chin as I leisurely lowered my left arm, "really?"

"Yeah, I understand you Sasuke, I really do," he mumbled.

"What are you?" I blurted, resting my arms against the table as I suddenly averted my eyes. I was afraid I had said something too soon, not knowing much about our situation prior, I was humiliated.

"Pansexual," he was soft-spoken and hesitant, seemingly embarrassed but kept his show of pride.

I nodded to show my sense of acknowledgment and rushed my hands back to his wired keyboard. I couldn't comprehend the depth of my own feelings but I was relieved. I had someone by my side who understood and considered me to a specific point that none other would. I had an individual I could trust with much more than just my homework. He was standing before me, the long-haired sibling who I thought I wouldn't get along with. Enduring such hateful glares and experiencing this wretched behavior my entire life, I never thought I'd run into an individual who held similar morals and fathomed the idea of same-sex love. What was this feeling? My heart was lifting and my shoulders felt loose, I felt vulnerable but in a good way? Someone who supported me, a person who shared my truth, is this what it felt like?