If I cleaned everything ||DreamNotFound

Lypophrenia

Lypophrenia- A vague feeling of sorrow or sadness seemingly without any apparent cause or source.

Song rec-
inside out - duster

                                TWS AT END!!!
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DREAMS POV!!

I don't know when the feeling started to over come me. I only remember the feeling of want and need to be happy. I'm always trying to upbring everyone I meet but, nobody really noticed when I stopped caring about himself. The self hatred i felt for myself. The need to -

My thoughts are cut off by the sound of my name "dream" yelled by a whiny voice. George. Oh shit, yeah we are streaming right now. I let's out a drained "yeah?" Karl let's out a laugh. "You sound like death. Did you sleep last night?" I ponder the question, I did sleep actually, I slept a lot. I mean if laying in bed staring at the ceiling counts.

"No"dream says. Quackity quickly buds in with a joking voice "He's tired your honor!" The vc quickly erupts in laughter. Everyone giggling at Quackity, everyone except one person. Dream. He looks at chat that is spamming "He said the thing!" When one messages makes me start to dive in my thoughts. "Is Dream okay? He sounds really tired?"

The simple answer is no, I'm really not. I don't know why it's so hard to get up out of bed. To go feed patches seems impossible but sapnap does that. When I do eat it just taste bland. The little bit of light leaking through his curtains makes his room seem depressing and dead. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Not since the accident however, I dug himself out of that hole whenever my YouTube channel took off. But, this time the hole is really comforting. The deeper it gets the more comfortable. It's a death trap.

"Hey dream we ended. Maybe you should try to get some sleep?" A soft voice says. It's different this time it's softer and not as loud. He quickly responds to George "yeah maybe." Another voice steps in "Dream are you okay? You sounded a little bit off." Sapnap says. "Yeah I'm fine." He quickly dismissed the conversation. The others believed him, he just sounds off nothing else. The topic quickly moves on to the meet up in England.

It was a discord call between me, sapnap, and George. George had been a little bit off, he seemed sad. Me and sapnap finally had the courage to see what's up. George doesn't really like to talk about his feeling we all knew that. That's when George finally mentioned he felt depressed. Sapnap immediately went to get his passport to go fly to George. He also talked to Tina, Quackity, and Karl. They immediately agreed to go visit him. I knew I wouldn't be able to see him and it upsets me quite a bit. But, George's happiness is all that mattered. He sure as hell has more courage than me. I could never admit I'm depressed.

I know once they meet up it's gonna be hard for me to see them hanging out. I really do wanna meet George however, I feel anxious whenever it's brought up. Like what if I joke to much about dnf he gets uncomfortable. My persona is way different in real life. For instance, when me and sapnap moved in together I couldn't even look him in the eyes. Moments like these I keep digging into myself till I feel utterly worthless. How am I gonna distract myself if sapnap as gone?

"Is dream asleep?" Sapnap ask. Quackity blurts out "don't you live with him? Maybe go check dumbas."
Dream chuckles and quickly responds "yeah I'm up! But I'm heading to bed. Bye!" The vc fills up with byes and he quickly leaves. The relief he feels knowing he can take off the mask and relax is worrying. Have I really lost myself this bad? I could care less. I deserve this. These thoughts are so frustrating. I need to take a shower.

I quickly walk toward the bathroom. I luckily have a bathroom in my room. I remember George and Sapnap had argued for weeks to get this room. I decided if they can't choose I'll get it. Maybe I'm just selfish but they agreed for me to have it. I go to look at myself in the mirror. However, my reflection isn't me, I'm not the green eyed man I used to be. This person eyes look duller and has a numb look on his face. I hate how he looks. He looks a bit bigger. More drained. Broken in a way. No way this is me, right?

I try to understand what has happened to this person to only realize he's mimicking my moves. It's disgusting how he looks and acts. I would kill my self if I was him. Suddenly, I'm hitting the mirror. Harder with every punch I throw. He deserves this. He's a monster. My fist are red and the mirror is smeared red as well. I realize the person is me. I look disgusting and weak. I'm a horrible person. I quickly hop in the shower to stop the bleeding. This is definitely gonna scar a bit.

Once im done with the shower I decided to go to sleep. The thoughts can't hurt me when im asleep. Well except the night mares. They suffocate me, drown me, and torture me. But I deserve it for what happened. I hate the calls I still get from my parents. They know it's not fully my fault but still won't comfort their own child. My mom stills contacts me sometimes. I feel hopeless sometimes.

I hear something ringing so I quickly get up and check my phone. It's George. I quickly glance at the time 9:00 pm. Damn I slept for 15 hours. I quickly answer George. "Hey dream how did you sleep?" George says in an excited voice. I respond with a sleepy voice "I slept good. What's got you all excited?" George let's out his little giggle. He seems happier, like he's never been sad once in his life. "Everyone's visiting me tomorrow! And I met someone like a few week ago and she's really nice!" Oh. He met someone. They probably will treat him better and care for him. More than I would.

"Dream?" George's voice laced with concern. Dream knows he has to keep the mask on. "Wow, that's so much fun George. I'm happy for you!" George goes quiet for a bit. "Yeah dream. Thanks I'll make sure to call you when they get here!" Deep down dream is losing it. His eyes start to blur with tears. George mentions that he has to go. They quickly say goodbye and hang up.

Deep down dream knew this wasn't good. The voice screaming for him to forget. He needs to get out of his room. Maybe go make something to eat. He stands up but his vision starts to blur. Shit. He quickly grabs onto his bed and his vision clears. I quickly make my way to the kitchen and grab some yogurt. Sapnap is sitting on the counter scrolling on some social media app. Just by the way he's staring at me I know I look like absolute shit. "Damn you look like shit man. Did George tell you about his new girl?" Sapnap says in a snarky way. "You knew?" I say in disbelief. "I mean he told me a few weeks back." Damn a few weeks? "Wow he hid it from me?" You could definitely hear the hurt in my voice. Sapnap frowns "I don't think on purpose maybe he was scared? Wait dream what happened to your fist?" "Nothing" I just dismissed him and left towards my room.

How could he not tell me about this. I felt hurt. Sapnap was leaving tomorrow for weeks. Why bring it up now? I can't keep spiraling like this. But why did he not trust me. My thoughts were screaming. I can't just ignore the agonizing feeling in my heart. I need a distraction and I need it quick.

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Tws ⚠️
Signs of a eating disorder
Self harm
Set hatred

Thanks for reading! This took a bit but I really enjoyed it!! I should hopefully have the next part out soon :)

Here's some things about me :]
Name: Bee
Birthday: march 7th :)
Pronouns: She/her
Age: I'm underage :))
Favorite movie: thirteen or dead poets society
Sexuality: Pan :)