My Freshmen Year and Its Secrets

You Were Never Mine

My phones screen lit up, reminding me that Adam had sent me a text two minutes ago. His last message to me that day was "Sorry".

We broke up. He talked about how I wasn't there for him, I didn't talk to him enough, I never had the time for him. He also told me he liked someone else. I knew who it was. How could I not? I was tired of fighting him, tired of forcing him to stay. If he wants to leave, fine.

It was June 23rd when we broke up. We wanted to stay friends but I knew that the tension was so strong and one of us would buckle under the pressure and we would fight. I distanced myself from my friends. I just honestly wanted to stay home and watch tv. I gained a few pounds because candy became my crutch. The panic attacks I used to have once a month became a weekly thing. And little did I know that the depression that was living inside of me would surface.

Honestly, I can't say that I was always this sad girl my whole summer. I still smiled, laughed and joked around. But, there were times when sadness, out of no where it seemed, came over me and I had to force smiles and laughs.

The hardest part for me was the fact that I had to be happy for my friend, who was crushing on my ex. I wanted to let her be happy, have her turn. But I knew that I would dread the day that I saw them kissing. Or hugging. Or holding hands. Or laughing.

I wasn't selfish enough to say something. If I could go back now, I would have kicked, screamed, scratched until I got my way and got what I deserved. But I lived to please others in my freshman year. I wanted to be the girl that made other smile and laugh. So when Ryanne showed me Adams texts to her, I bottled up my rage, my jealousy, and my sadness.

That wasn't a good idea.

Because one day, Adam did text me. He texted me on a day Lyle and I were hanging out. Lyle had his phone in his pocket and accidentally called Adam. And Adam... well, I'll just tell you.

A:
"What do you and Lyle want?"
Me:
What do you mean?
A:
You called me and I know he's with you. Just, don't do anything stupid
Me:
You can't tell me what I can and can't do. Sorry.
A:
I'm just trying to help you
Me:
Help me? All you've done is hurt me.
A:
Just don't do anything stupid please
Me:
No. I can do what I want
A:
Whatever
Me :
Do you know what you've done to me? I cried. For weeks. I hated myself. I couldn't stop thinking "What did I do to deserve this sadness and pain?" I almost lost trust in my best friend because of you. I wasn't sure if I could trust Ryanne, but I realized that this is all your fault! But, of course, you don't care about me.
A:
Don't ever say I don't care about you. I do care.
Me:
Save it. I know you care about Ryanne more than me. When you told her that Landon doesn't care about her, she cried. She didn't eat. She was so upset and you lied to her. He did care about her and now you have ruined their relationship.
A:
He didn't talk about her anymore, so I thought that he and her were done
Me:
Stop making excuses! How could you put Landon, your cousin, through all of this?? Why? Why did you make him choose between a girl and his cousin? That's a terrible thing to do to someone. Make all the excuses you want, but you're a heartless, controlling liar.
A:
Don't say I don't have a heart. I help people everyday. I volunteer and help sick and dying people. Why? Because I care. They think people don't care about them because they're dying
Me:
Adam. I could care less about how many little old ladies you help across the street. It doesn't change the fact that you hurt me, Ryanne and Landon.
A:
It's not all my fault
Me:
But it is. You ruined everything. Go away. I don't want to talk to you anymore. WE ARE OVER! Just like you said Adam. No more. No more texting, Facebook messaging, Skyping, phone calls. No more kissing, hand holding, hugging. No more. Just. Stop. Stop hurting me. Stop texting Ryanne and leave her alone. Just. Stop. Please.
A:
Fuck you! My aunt is dying and I'm all alone in this and I have no one
Me:
I was all alone too when you broke my heart and told me you wanted to date my best friend. Goodybye Adam

Everytime I think of Adam, the wind gets knocked out of my chest by an unseen force. Everytime I think of Adam, pain shoots over my body, starting from my heart and spreads like a disease. A disease that brings pain. Every time I think of Adam, I go back to our kiss in the theater. I remember his lips on mine, his breath, the shape of his lips, the taste of his lips, the way it felt to run my fingers through his hair. Every time I think of Adam, I remember the times we shared, laughing, crying, smiling, talking, singing, screaming, loving and hating. Every time I think of Adam. I feel nothing but pain and heartache. How could our friendship transform into a relationship, then into a broken friendship and into hatred? How could he betray me? Why does it hurt so much? I wish. I wish I could change everything. If I could, I would take back ever meeting Adam because, in the end, he has only hurt me. The hurt and pain he has caused me is blocking the happy memories I shared with him. The hatred I have for him is so deep inside of my heart that nothing could take it out.

Why do I hate him so much? He expounded my heart to his love. He showed me a relationship that I longed for and then ripped it away. He betrayed me by wanting to be with my best friend. He told her things that he only told me. He did things with her that he and I shared. He said things to her that he once said to me. It hurt. You do not understand the heart of a fresh heartbreak. Or maybe you do. Maybe you understand the pain I felt. The sadness I felt my freshman year. But, sadness was only part of it.

There was excitement. Happiness. Love. This year has been a crazy ride. I made mistakes, and I fell for a nasty guy. What can I say? It's my Freshman Year. I had to learn some lessons this year. But what about next year?

What will happen Sophomore Year? Lyle and Adam will be roaming these halls, and I may have to see them everyday. Will they come after me and my heart again? If so, will I be able to protect my heart, or will it, once again, fall into the wrong hands?

Will I always feel this heartache?

Find out in Sophomore Year and All Its Lies -KayKay2017