Saverio

Part 19 - Within

SAVERIO ENZO
*1 month ago*

"You look like you just got shot in the heart" someone besides me says aloud.

Those words keep replaying in my mind. It's like an loop of those same words never stopping.

It's trapped in my mind.

But maybe I have been shot in the heart.

Not physically, but emotionally.

I'm sat on the ground outside my house, back led against the house walls.

Feelings of guilt, regret, and heartbreak stir in my mind.

I'm too broken to scream. Too broken cry.

I've done all that now.

Why me?

I'm breaking slowly.

Until Honor came into myself, I was a ruthless, manipulative, arrogant person.

She made me alive.

That's why it's hard for me to watch the night go by without Honor in my arms.

Without Honor underneath me.

I wander if she's ok. If she's happy or safe.

I know I can rely on Alec to look after her. But something tells me this is his way of getting closer to her.

She's fucking mine!

Fuck! Yes I messed up!

I fucking destroyed her.

I can't deny what I did. I did rape her. I did pick her up from the floor that was covered in her tears, and I did take her into her fathers room.

But I didn't chose to. I had too.

My body is shivering, I'm only wearing boxers.

I move my cigarette back into my mouth, letting the fall smoke eventually fall out.

At least Honor has someone.

The person besides me, lowers themselves down. Sitting the the same position as me.

They grab my cigarette and smoke for themselves, handing it back to me.

God I stink of smoke.

As soon as they leave, I'm determined to be ok.

Only physically though.

I love the feeling of skin burning, the hot sensation that moves through my skin. The feeling of death whilst having a shower.

"Your new phone came" they say whilst grabbing something from besides them.

They pass me the phone.

Once Honor left, I was alone.

I had nobody to scream, to shout, to cry at about my problems.

Yes cry.

I was an emotional wreck when Honor realised. So fucking pissed.

I knew it would come up at one point, but I had planned to tell her calmly and politely.

But my need to repeat the past came through, and that's why I let her go. Because this time I had the urge to rape her because of pure anger I was feeling.

I ended up breaking a lot of things including my phone.

My number is still valid, but I don't know if I want to see the messages.

The once's from Alec and possibly Honor telling me to fuck off and die.

I couldn't handle it. So I left it and got a new one.

I packed my bags shortly after, I'll get someone to  collect the rest of the items later.

I planned to go to Germany, but I remembered that I'm apart of the mafia, and going across the world is classed as trying to escape the Mafia, so I'll be attacked and killed.

So I'm moving to New York tomorrow. I found a penthouse in the centre square of Manhattan and will continue my life there.

I put the phone aside, looking over at them.

It's my sister.

She's older than me by five years, and she is such a bitch.

Only because she's friends with Alec's sister and she herself is a bitch.

"Sorry the kids came over. I told them no but they did anyway. They believe they'll be the best Mafia leaders one day" she chuckles under her breathes.

My head snap back over at her.

She looks into my eyes.

"Don't worry. They're not going into the mafia" she says whilst rolling her eyes and head.

My body's tension decreases.

No child should be brought into the Mafia. We're they never had a real opinion to be involved.

Their only opinions come from what they've grown up in.

That's why I could never have kids.

Miserable little shits.

I don't deserve them anyway.

I would end up torturing them rather than loving them.

Honor wouldn't.

She says she hates kids, but deep in her heart I can see what a great mother she would be.

I smile at the thought.

I look back over at Maria.

"You have to go" I say without hesitation

Confusion fills her and she keeps her eyes on mine.

"Why?" She questions with curiosity

I take a minute to think. To proses. Then I speak.

"New York" I stutter

Realisation hits her.

"And I need a shower"

She smiles at me with worry and concern on her face.

Standing up from the floor and beginning to walk away.

Then she stops and faces back at me.

"I love you, Sav. You know that right?"

I keep my eyes on her. Nodding at her question.

I know she does. But do I?

Do I love anyone?

Do I love myself?