Parade Of The Past

Epilogue

If you're reading this, thank you for sticking with me! I love you from the depths of my heart.

Past Aids

"Ano ito, Cass? Gatas?" Lumingon ako sa nagsalita sa aking gilid. He held the milk carton in front of me and smiled silly. Umalingawngaw naman ang isang boses sa speaker ng grocery habang ako ay pumikit para tumawa. "Bakit, ayaw mo bang busugin ko ang anak ko?" Tanong ko sa kaibigan kong si Elias. "Hindi naman, napaisip lang. Besides he's six now, I'm sure hindi na siya nagt-tsupon?"

"Kapag nag gagatas ba sa tsupon na agad? BB 'yan ano, pang children na 'yan." Naramdaman ko ang ikot ng kaniyang mata mula sa panunuya na lumabas sa bibig. How dare he! "Oo na, Mother Earth. Maybe I'm just not used seeing you like this. I mean, can you believe it? Parang kahapon lang ay si Royce ang namimili ng mga ito."

I stopped. Royce. Siya nanaman. It's been two years since he left and his name still hunts my days. Nakakagalit. "Ah, ano, sorry. Hindi ko namalayan. Promise, I won't bring him up again."

Nakita ko ang tingin niya saakin na mapangkutya. He's seriously taking this topic as a joke. Ano pa na ang aasahan ko dito? "Come on, don't look at me like that, Cass! I can't help it, okay? Again, hindi ako sanay, but since you don't want me to bring him up—"

"It's okay, Eli. It doesn't affect me anymore. Sadyang nakasanayan ko lang din na hindi siya banggitin dahil alam kong makakasakit lang lalo kay Cassio. He would just continue to question things if his father's affair would follow him around." Hinigpitan ko ang hawak ko sa wallet na hawak-hawak. I lied, at oo, apektado parin ako sa ginawa ni Royce sa akin– sa amin. He betrayed me, the woman he loved—and his son, the kid who onced was inspired to grow up like him. He doesn't deserve neither Cassio and I.

"Bakit naman kasi ganoon? He was a fine man, at sa magla-labindalawang taon na magkasama kayo, nagawa pa niyang magsawa?" Ramdam ko ang inis ng kaibigan habang tinititigan ang chichiryang hawak na kinuha niya mula sa kabilang aisle. He threw it with all his might and rolled his eyes in annoyance. Tumawa ako. "At bakit rin parang mas galit ka pa sa akin? Ikaw ba ang iniwan, aber?"

His jaw dropped and I giggled even more. Hindi ko naman siya masisisi sa galit na nararamdaman. Elias is a good friend. He was with me through all and never left. Yes, I admit that life is tough without Royce. It would've been great to raise Cassio together with him, but I can't bear to see my son in the future turn out to be like his father. Hindi ko ito matatanggap. And I can't even grieve for him as he left me for another woman, I am too caught up of what I am supposed to do to raise Cassio without a father figure. Pero nandito si Elias– he raised my kid just like he would do with his own. "Thank you."

I stared at him and watched how he reached for my arm and tapped it. "Kayang-kaya mo 'yan, Cass." He then stated as if he knew what was that thank you was meant for. Binalikan ko lang ito kasama ng isang malungkot na ngiti. I couldn't be more happier to have a friend like him. Mas doble siguro ang hirap na naramdaman ko kung hindi ko pa siya nakilala. He's an angel, indeed. "Mommy, mommy, look!"

I hurried over my son and I felt my cheeks squish as I smile. How can a human being be this beautiful? I can't explain how much I adore him. "What is it, Sio?"

Nakita ko ang bitbit niyang surprise egg na napakamahal. I squinted when I saw the price. Narinig ko naman ang tawa ni Elias sa gilid at sa tingin ko ay dahil nakita niya ang reaksyong binitawan ko nang iabot sa akin ni Cassio ang laruan. I looked to his direction and frowned like I was confused. "Nako, Kinkin. Hayaan mo na si Tato na bumili niyan para sa'yo. Budget pa kasi ang mommy mo, hindi pa nakakahanap ng sugar daddy."

Hindi ako nagdalawang isip na paluin at pisilin ang binti niya. I saw him almost tear up in pain but I couldn't care less. As much as I want to laugh at his joke, hindi ko ito magawa dahil may bata! I fought the urge to raise my middle finger. "Ang pasmado ng bibig mo, ha. Tigilan mo ang pamangkin mo, baka kung ano ang isipin." I mouthed in annoyance.

"Mommy, what's a sugar daddy? Is it just like Daddy Royce? Why isn't he sweet then?" Si Cassio. Naramdaman ko ang unti-unting pag gunaw ng mundo ko nang marinig ang pangalan ng dating asawa mula sa anak. The light dwelt in his glazed eyes and my heart felt like it was being beaten up. Hindi ko alam kung papaano ito ipapaliwanag sakaniya. "Anak, you're too young to know what a sugar daddy is. And no, Royce is not one. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to bring him back here."

"It's okay, Mommy. He makes you cry and I don't like that." Nagulat na lamang ako sa sagot na binitawan niya. He's young, but he has a mind of a grown man. I reached for his head and brushed his hair carefully. I pulled him in for a tight hug as silence and the cold weather joined.

I may not be able to explain everything to you for now, Cassio. But I can never hide the truth forever. I never will. "Aw, ang cute. Pero kasi yung pantog ko kanina pa sinusubok ni Lord so baka gusto niyong mag checkout na tayo para naman maka restroom na ako?" Tuloy-tuloy at nagmamadaling sabi ng kaibigan ko. I rolled my eyes and stood up. Binuhat ko ang aking anak at tinulak ang basket na kanina pa puno. "Tara na nga. Baka sumabog ka na diyan,"

I cannot elaborate how much these two people contributed to the happiness I've had for years. Nang nawala si Royce ay parang nasira ang mundo na matagal ko nang nabuo. Naming nabuo. It has pained me so much to the point where I questioned my worth. My value. My life. Practically everything. Our separation left me with nothing but heartbreak and weary days. Para itong dagat na nilulunod ako ng pilitan.

I stood still. Hindi ito naging madali, oo. Sa loob ng dalawang taon ay parang ilang dekada ang paulit-ulit na pagbubukas ng sugat na naidulot niya sa akin. But for Cassio, I knew I had to toughen up. Sakaniya, at dahil sakaniya lamang ako natuto kung paano maging matatag, matapang, at mapagtanggap. I have lost many people in my life, so I have to strengthen myself for them to not lose me.

"Excuse me," Isang malalim na tinig mula sa isang lalaki ang umalingawngaw sa aking pandinig. For some unknown reason, it immediately sent shivers down my spine. Like I've heard it before. Like how I know how it supposed to sound. Like how I know who it came from. Inangat ko ang tingin ko sa nagsalita. I held my breath as our eyes instantly met.

I stared at the man in front of me. He seemed oddly familiar more than any strangers I've faced before, and he made me feel unspeakable feelings. Something what you might feel when you meet someone you've previously seen in a dream, or a past life, like in the movies.

This was no different. I wonder why.