Sage

60

Harry.

Thunder crackles as my eyes flit toward the clock on the wall. It reads 9:13 am, meaning Ellie will be up any second now.

The forecast for the entirety of the week consisted of an unruly storm racking up the coast, shutting down the nearby schools and offices. I'm surprised Ellie hadn't woken in sooner, considering the loud ripple of the weather is what jolted me awake this morning.

The rain battered down on the tall windows of the condo, and the dark clouds swirled around the city tauntingly as I scribbled across the sheet of paper in front of me. My cheek rested against my palm and my eyes crossed behind the thick lenses I wore whilst I struggled to concentrate on the millions of tiny numbers on the page.

Finances.

Payroll, business expenses, bills, the rent. Each number in my life that began with a dollar sign was sloppily doodled onto the paper in a failed attempt to gather at least the illusion of a plan before I laid everything on the table for Ellie.

The sage plant and snacks on the table accompanied a small card with a short but heartfelt apology written inside. This was my first time apologizing as a boyfriend and as I sighed at the sight of them, and the memory of yesterday, I felt as if I were already fucking up.

The internal debate my brain fucked itself with would surely go down history. I knew I owed her an explanation, but my conscience tugged heavily at the thought of the truth and her reaction to it. I want to think she wouldn't judge me, but the insecurity is a nagging one, and it's enough to sink a heavy feeling in my stomach.

I can't tell her.

I sigh and slide the frames from my face before dropping my head in my hands, my thoughts whirling too fast for me to handle. I don't want to fuck this up. What would I even tell her? That I'm so dependent on these pills that I'd confided in them before I did her? Or that I'd sobbed in another woman's arms and begged her to take the pain away. The thought was a knife to the gut, and I refused to trouble her with any of it. We had bigger things to deal with. For all I know, I may not be able to afford the rent for this place next month. The events of yesterday seemed minuscule in comparison to that and the fact that our lives may be completely uprooted and flipped around.

Looking at the numbers elicits a dull pain in my temple, so I push away from the table and glance at the time again before grabbing a bottle of cold water from the fridge. My phone (which had been charging on the countertop) dings, signifying that I finally have enough battery for the screen to turn on. Almost immediately, it begins to ring incessantly. I turn the sound off and snap my head toward the archway when I hear the familiar snores come to a cease and are replaced with a discomforted moan, telling me that the noise had awoken El.

I can't help but let out a sigh, glancing back at the time. My heartbeat picks up its pace out of pure anxiety about the conversation. What if I let her down by not being able to take care of her and our child? What if she's beyond pissed with me for the simple fact that I left without a word and was gone all day? Deep down, I know what I want. I know that making music is something I've always wanted to do but what if it comes down between my family and my dreams? What if she makes me choose?

My rampant thoughts are interrupted when I hear the sound of Ellie's footsteps padding against the wooden floor. I sniffle and quickly wipe at my red-rimmed eyes, not wanting her to see the state I was in.

I look up just as she appears in the archway, and just like that- her tired and droopy eyes are suddenly wide awake, shock flashing across her face. She looks like she has no idea what to say, her mouth parting open and closing as she blinks confusedly. A lump forms in my throat, purely out of guilt. I can see the rollercoaster of emotions her mind takes her through, and the sight makes me feel like someone has sent my body through a meat grinder.