Sunflower

07

Finnigan

It's been lonely these past three months. 

Not only because I can see all of my friends hanging out without me and having a great time, but also because I just don't have anyone to talk to anymore. 

I guess that's my own fault. 

Beverly didn't give up for the first month, she texted and called and even showed up at my work a couple of times, and each time I would turn her down. 

She eventually gave up. 

No more calls, no more texts. That was it. 

She stopped trying. I don't know why I'm upset, because this is my own fault, but it was necessary. 

I can't let my dad get to them. 

Here's the thing about my dad. He's smart. He has allies. I don't know what kind of stuff he's been up to lately, or how he has allies, but he does. I've dealt with them before. My friends haven't. And they don't need to.

I haven't really done anything these past few weeks, I've just been wallowing in self pity and reading. If I'm not working at the library, obviously. I've never liked working at the library, but without Ezra and Jay to entertain me, it's been close to unbearable. I have nothing to do except...my job, I guess. 

Lame. 

I discovered I needed groceries, since I've been eating a crap ton of food-there's not much else for me to do-so I grab my keys and get in my car. 

I don't use my car much, since I like being outside, but being in the car may be safer, since my dad is basically stalking me. Besides, the car is kind of peaceful. I get to play my own music as loud as I want, sometimes I even sing along. And no one even pays me any mind.

It's kind of sad that I'm getting used to having no one. 

I wish that I included myself more in my friend's conversations, or that I tried harder to have a closer relationship with Walker and Nolan. 

Instead, all I did was show them that I didn't care. 

Ezra was right. I'm a bad friend. 

I sigh and get out of the car, locking it with a beep. 

I'm surprised that even a short walk into a crowded building still makes me anxious. Anyone could be working for my dad and I wouldn't know. At least, not till I'm dead. 

I walk into the store slowly and avoid contact with anyone I pass. 

I'm now aware that I probably look like a bank robber with this approach, but I don't care. 

I grab a bunch of random things off of random shelves as quickly as I can. 

Here's the thing about being alone. There's a difference between feeling alone and being alone. Feeling alone sucks because even if you aren't alone, you still feel like no one is there for you. You feel like you only have yourself. I personally enjoy being alone, it gives me space to think about things on my own terms. No pressure to think about things a different way just because your friends persuade you to. 

But I don't like feeling both, and right now, I am. I've felt it before, and I don't like how similar the circumstances are. 

Crazy dad, stalker allies, being abandoned. Well, the only difference is, I abandoned them first. 

"Dude, why do they call it almond milk? You can't milk an almond, because they don't have-"

"Okay, tiger. Not in public where all the minors can here you."