Herondales love but once

chapter 4

The fire that had been burning passionately earlier, was now slowly dying out, like a star in the last stages of its life. It felt like his lungs were punctured and he couldn't breathe at all. It felt like he was bleeding. Not bleeding blood, but bleeding motivation and life. Until there was nothing left but an empty body.

"Jem would forgive me," Will whispered in despair. There was no hope. "He..."

"He would," she said gently. "He could never stay angry at you, Will; he loves you too well for that. I do not even think he would hold anger toward me. But this morning he told me he thought he would die without ever loving anyone as his father loved his mother, without ever being loved like that in return. Do you want me to go down the hallway and knock on his door and take that away from him? And would you love me still, if I did?"

Will gazed at Tessa for a prolonged moment. He thought of everything Jem had done for him since they had met. Unknowingly, he had kept Will alive all these years, prevented him from becoming as heartless as an automaton. He had refused to return back to Shanghai with his Uncle Elias, after he had slayed the malevolent demon Yanluo who had murdered his parents and tortured Jem – because he didn't want to leave his parabatai. Despite his illness, he quietly fought beside Will in battle and defended him from unanticipated demon attacks. He had saved his life a countless number of times. The tide of memories of how Jem had protected him for years, overwhelmed Will and tipped him over the edge. He crumpled within himself and his will was shattered like broken glass. He would step aside. He wouldn't press his affections on Tessa. He wouldn't and couldn't ruin Jem's newly founded happiness. Even if it came at the cost of his own. He owed them this much. With a heavy exhale, he sat down in the armchair and put his face into his hands to hide his true emotions from Tessa. "You promise me," he said.

"That you love him. Enough to marry him and make him happy."

"Yes," she said.

"Then, if you love him," he said softly, "please, Tessa, don't tell him what I just told you. Don't tell him that I love you."

"And the curse? He doesn't know."

"Please don't tell him about that either. Nor Henry, nor Charlotte-no one. I must tell them in my own time, in my own way. Pretend I said nothing to you. If you care about me at all, Tessa..."

"I will tell no one," she said. "I swear it. I promise it, on my angel. My mother's angel. And, Will..."

He pried his hands away from his face but didn't lift his head to meet her eyes. Those stormy eyes just caused him pain now. It was like looking at a lioness: a beautifully elegant animal but the prospect of death looming over the miraculous moment. Tessa's wondrous look upon entering the library. Her excited voice: "Oh, do you have A Tale of Two Cities." He had been helping her to find a book when she had come to the Institute. Once, a fond memory was now laced with a torturous longing. Unconsciously, he had seized the sides of the armchair so tightly that his knuckles were protruding from his skin. "I think you had better go, Tessa."

"What you have endured," she said, "since you were twelve years old-it would have killed most people. You have always believed that no one loved you, that no one could love you, as their continued survival was proof to you that they did not. But Charlotte loves you. And Henry. And Jem. And your family. They all have always loved you, Will Herondale, for you cannot hide what is good about yourself, however hard you try."

Excruciatingly, he tilted his head up to look at her. His eyes were all fire and flame. He had nothing left to lose. "And you? Do you love me?"

"Will," she said.

Staring at the space behind her, he desperately said, "Do you love me?" He had to know.

"I..." She took a shuddering lungful as if she was steeling herself for something she was about to say. "Jem has been right about you all this time. You were better than I gave you credit for being, and for that I am sorry. Because if this is you, what you are truly like, and I think that it is then you will have no difficulty finding someone to love you, Will, someone for whom you come first in their heart. But I..."

Herondales love but once. The famous saying that had been iterated for generations through his family. It was true: his mother, a mundane, had stolen his father's heart from the moment they had met – he had heard the story many times and had come to think of the saying as their family's motto for love. It was ironic, wasn't it? His father had, in a way, been saved by love and he was about to be destroyed by it. Even if someone was able to love him, he would never love them back. Tessa was the one who had stolen his heart. She was his only love and it stay that way for all eternity. He tried to laugh but instead it came out as a choking gasp. "First in your heart," he said. "Would you believe that is not the only time you have said that to me?"

Her brow furrowed. "Will, I have not-"

He would have rather been mercilessly murdered and tortured by Mortmain. The agony wasn't concentrated in one place; it felt like millions of tiny stabs all across his body. "You can never love me," he said emotionlessly. His emotions were so intense that he wasn't able to express himself without being crushed into dangerous shards that would later cause unhealable gashes. When Tessa just stood there, not saying anything, the agony was too severe. Her unresponsiveness was unbearable – he shuddered violently. In stiff, robotic movements he stood up and crossed the room in long strides, being unable to be in the same room as Tessa any longer.

This is where it all begins. Today, you can't stand to be near her. Tomorrow, you won't be able to have a casual conversation with her. And in the near distant future, you won't even be able to look at her without a torrent of longing washing over you.

He thought this thought bitterly. He was aware of Tessa's shocked reaction and her eyes following him across the room, but he couldn't dwell on it now. He reached the door after what seemed like forever. Absentmindedly, he fumbled for the bolt on the door. It took a while for him to find it but as soon as he did, he yanked it open and strode out into the corridor. Will leaned against the wall once the drawing room door slammed shut and sagged against it, unable to keep up the pretence any longer. He was so damn tired of losing people: first he had lost Ella, his beloved sister. Then, he had abandoned his family and hadn't talked to them for 5 years to keep them safe. After realising he was walking into a second family at the institute, he had pushed everyone – Charlotte, Henry, Jessamine and even Gabriel and Gideon – away. He had crushed Tatiana – a young girl – once learning of her affections for him. And now, he had lost Tessa because he had confessed his feelings. He had also lost Jem – his parabatai – in a way because now there would be an unbridgeable distance between them. Hearing footsteps coming his way, he picked himself up and peeled himself away from the wall. Every step that he took away from her felt wrong, like he was leaving behind his one love, but that couldn't be helped as now his destiny was engaged to someone else. Someone who he had thought could never cause him pain.