Herondales love but once

chapter 3

Tessa looked unsurprised; she radiated an extreme sense of calmness, "I know you did. I found them in your room when I was there with Jem."

Startled, Will sucked a breath in. "You said nothing to me about it."

"At first I was angry," she said, confessing with a slight smile. "But that was the night we found you in the ifrit den. I felt for you, I suppose. I told myself you had only been curious, or Charlotte had asked you to read them."

"She didn't," he said. Now that he had started, he couldn't stop the river of words that flowed out of him. "I pulled them out of the fire myself. I read them all. Every word you wrote. You and I, Tess, we're alike. We live and breathe words. It was books that kept me from taking my own life after I thought I could never love anyone, never be loved by anyone again. It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them. Reading your words, what you wrote, how you were lonely sometimes and afraid, but always brave; the way you saw the world, its colours and textures and sounds, I felt – I felt the way you thought, hoped, felt, dreamed. I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you. I dreamed what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted-and then I realized that truly I just wanted you. The girl behind the scrawled letters. I loved you from the moment I read them. I love you still."

Tessa started to tremble. Will had to physically restrain himself from rushing to her side and holding her until she was calm; she had pushed him away when he had kissed her.

"It's too late," she said.

"Don't say that." He couldn't breathe. It felt like he was being crushed by one of Mortmain's automatons – a slow, severe and excruciating pain. "I love you, Tessa. I love you."

Her eyes were closed. She couldn't even bear to look at him. Slowly, she shook her head from side to side. "Will... stop."

Will took several shallow, rapid breaths. He clenched his fists – his knuckles a porcelain-white. "I knew you would be reluctant to trust me," he said. "Tessa, please, is it that you do not believe me, or is it that you cannot imagine ever loving me back? Because if it is the second-"

"Will. It doesn't matter-"

"Nothing matters more!" His voice rose louder and louder, but Will did not notice. "I know that if you hate me it is because I forced you to. I know that you have no reason to give me a second chance to be regarded by you in a different light. But I am begging you for that chance. I will do anything. Anything." His voice splintered; he choked down a sob and briefly turned away from Tessa to wipe away his unshed tears.

"No," she whispered. "It isn't possible."

"It is," he said desperately. "It must be. You cannot hate me as much as all that-"

"I don't hate you at all," she said gently, her eyes betraying her great grief and agony. "I tried to hate you, Will. But I could never manage it."

"Then, there's a chance." Hope bloomed within him. There was still a slight possibility. It wasn't hopeless. She might love him back. Maybe. "Tessa, if you don't hate me, then there's a chance that you might-"

"Jem has proposed to me, and I have said yes." Time slowed down for Will.

"What?" Will felt as though he had been punched in the heart.

"I said that Jem proposed to me," she said quietly. "He asked if would marry him. And I said I would."

The colour drained from Will's face. Disbelievingly, he said: "Jem. My Jem?"

Words seemed to fail Tessa and all she could do was nod in confirmation. Will had thought that there could be no greater suffering than what he had already endured – pushing all he loved away from him for 5 years of his life – but he was clearly wrong. Jem, his parabatai, the only one he had kept close all these years, was suddenly engaged to Tessa, the brave and fierce woman that he loved. He felt nauseous; his last meal was creeping back up, threatening to regurgitate. Suddenly, he stumbled. The world span for a brief moment as he clamped his hand on the back of a chair for support. He placed his hand in such a way that it would seem it was simply there for balance. Whereas instead, it was giving him an anchor, holding his body weight as he felt like collapsing and sinking into a better fantasy.

"When?"

"This morning. But we have been growing closer, much closer, for a long time."

"You and Jem?" Shock struck him as powerfully as lightning. How could he have been so blind to his parabatai's feelings?

Tessa's fingertips gently touched a pendant around her neck. Unable to meet his eyes, she said: "He gave me this," Her voice was barely a whisper. "It was his mother's bridal gift."

Will stared at the Chinese inscriptions in the necklace with such intense emotions, it felt as though he was a demon – harbouring and nurturing a grudge over millennia. He didn't want to hate Jem. He didn't want to hate their newly developed relationship. He didn't want to hate Tessa for ever saying yes to Jem. All he had ever wanted were two impossible things: Jem to be truly happy and for Tessa to love him back. And finally, one of those things was coming true. He trembled. "He never told me anything. He never said a word about you to me. Not that way." In frustration, he raised his hand to sweep his hair away from his face in habit. Only now, it took a tremendous effort to lift his hand high enough as his hand was shaking to such a great extent that he could see Tessa's eyes widen in concern. "Do you love him?"

"Yes, I love him," she said calmly.

Will had deep down known the answer yet hearing them spoken out loud twisted his insides into knots, causing him to recoil. The pain was too much.

"Don't you?"

"But he would understand," he said dizzily. He couldn't think clearly; it was as though there was a murky fog obscuring his thoughts. "If we explained it to him. If we told him... he would understand."

Tessa opened her mouth as if to speak but faltered. She bit her lip at her hesitation and looked down, deep in thought. Silence. The drawing room was silent except for Will's racing heart which was audible from where Tessa was standing. She glanced up while Will was staring at her waiting for her response and accidentally caught his eye. Quickly, she averted her eyes away from him. The deafening silence enveloped Will like flames of a fire burning his body. As he was about to speak to break the intrusive silence, he observed the emotion draining from Tessa's face. The words died on his lips. There was always some emotion that showed through on her face: whether it was the calmness when he rescued her, her curiosity and excitement to go on a train or even the sorrow that broke through when her brother died. The lack of expressions on her face distressed him.

So, when she impassively said, "Told him what?" Will could only stare at her in disbelief.