i just wanna get lost with you - ronance

chapter 6

They drive to the first gas station they can find and Nancy breaks into its bathroom. She runs her hands under the tap and scratches at her skin until her arms turn red. The bathroom reminds her of the time she broke down in her best friends bathroom way before the apocalypse, she found out Barbara had died due to a drink driver after she drove back from their hang out. Nancy had blamed herself because if Barb wasn't at her house so late then the driver wouldn't of had the chance to drive into Barbs car sending her car over the edge of the cliff.

She looks at her hands so covered in blood. Metaphorically and physically. It makes her sick.

Dustin’s blood clings to her, its dark spots against her pale flesh a negative-image night sky. Her clothes are stained too and she has to make do with what the gas station has. She leans against the basin and hangs her head. Shit. How did this happen? When did she become this? She used to hide behind her hands during horror movies. Now she’s in a horror movie and barely flinches when she kills.

How can she look Lucas in the eyes?

*****

The car trip is silent, crushingly so. There’s nothing to talk about, really; talking about Dustin would hurt too much and talking about something light seems like a dishonour to the death that weighs on their shoulders.

They move east.

*****

When the world plunges into darkness they set their spot on fire. Flames soar into the air and it’s a beacon to any walkers. But this is for Dustin, and more so for the people he left behind. Lucas stands too close to the heat and speaks for the first time in hours.

“The first time we met I complimented your stupid graphic T-shirts. I hated them, honestly, but some popular guys were giving you shit for them and I didn’t want them to crush you. Crush your spirit. You made me your best friend soon after so I guess people didn’t offer you compliments on your t-shirts very often. I saw so many people try to put you down, Dustin, but it never phased you. You were never without a smile. I asked you how you did it, how you stopped caring. You said that sometimes when people push you down you gotta stand up taller to show them how strong you are. I’ve remembered those words for eight years, Dustin, and you just shrugged and un-paused the video game we were playing after you said them.

“I didn’t have friends before you, Dustin. You would always say that we were loners, that we were incapable of making any other friends. It didn’t fucking matter. You were all I needed. More than that. God, Dustin, you were my fucking brother. When I came out to you as bi my hands were shaking and it took me five goes to get the words out. When I finally did you just said, ‘big whoop. Can you stop hogging the bottle of whiskey now?’ I could have said that I was an alien from Neptune sent to destroy the earth and you would probably say, ‘yeah, but you’re my best friend first.’

“I love you Dustin. No homo you fucking dweeb.”

Lucas sits again. The fire crackles and hisses softly. Lucas' eyes are unfocussed as he stares deep into the flames. Nancy watches the embers fly from the fire’s peak and soar up to the stars. She doesn’t believe in heaven anymore but she still likes to think that somehow those sparks will reach Dustin.

*****

“How do you know she’s in the east?”

The fire is almost out, its coals glowing orange. They've taken care of all the walkers that have come to investigate so far. Lucas is asleep and Nancy needs to voice the questions rattling around her head.