His Heart

Chapter one: Charlie

I watched my kids get breakfast over the rim of my coffee cup. Leo poured milk over his mountain of cereal whilst Madeline picked at the toast I placed in front of her every morning which she never ate.

"Maddie, you're not eating." I said, pointlessly.

"I'll get something at school." She murmured.

"You need to eat something."

"I will." She said. "On the way to school."

I sighed and sat down, nursing my cup of coffee.

"What's wrong, querida?" I asked.

"Nothing Papá." She sighed. "Do we have any uvas?"

"In the fridge, cariño."

She picked out a handful of grapes and ate them one by one. I could tell she was only eating to keep me happy.

"I don't feel well." Leo mumbled.

I eyed his almost empty cereal bowl.

"You probably ate too fast." I said, touching his forehead instinctively. "You don't have a temperature. Get a glass of water, it'll settle your stomach."

Maddie twisted the grape stem into a knot. Something she did when she was thinking deeply about something. By the crease in her brow I knew she was thinking about Jasmine.

I longed to get rid of the crease with a kiss the way I did when she was younger. When all her problems could be solved by a kiss.

Today was not the day I brought this up. At least, not now. Later, maybe later.

"Come on, mis queridos." I murmured. "Time for school."

I held Leo's hand as we walked to school together. Maddie turned to smile at me and once again I wondered when the day would come when she decided she wasn't going to walk to school with us anymore.

She kissed my cheek as she turned towards the high school and I waited with Leo as he waved goodbye.

"Let's go, mi querido." I said, squeezing his hand. "We don't want to be late."

~*~

I rested my head on the desk briefly, trying to tune out the noise of the office. It was warm and sunny outside. The kind of day I would have rung Jasmine and arranged to have a walk in the park or something on my lunch break. She would have packed a lunch and we would have a picnic under the cherry blossom trees in the park, making up stories of all the passersby. 

"Are you ok?"

I looked up at Michael who gave me a concerned look. With effort, I lifted my head.

"I'm good." I said, swallowing back the tears.

Michael sat on the chair opposite me.

"How are the kids?" He asked.

"They're ok." I said.

I didn't feel like explaining to him how the kids were feeling like strangers a little more each day. I didn't know how to put into words the betrayal I was showing them with the feelings I've been having lately.

My heart belonged to their mother. That's how it was supposed to be.

None of us were ready for this. If it weren't for that damn tape, I wouldn't feel this way.

~*~

I lay on the bed later and switched the TV on. Her face popped up instantly and a fresh wave of grief washed over me like it always did.