His Heart

Chapter forty-three: Lizzie

I watched the kids play, feeling Charlie's eyes on me. I turned to smile at him and he leaned in to kiss me.

"I was always so scared to get close to anyone after losing her." He said. "I thought I owed it to myself and her to never let myself forget her and I pushed away anyone who tried to get between us. I thought I had to concentrate on my kids. I thought they deserved the love I couldn't give anyone else."

"What changed your mind?"

"Jasmine." He said. "A few months before she died, she wrote me a letter instructing me to find a new love and get remarried."

I nodded.

"I told her that wasn't going to happen but she made me promise to do so when the right person came along. And I've yet to break a promise to my wife."

Wife.

I wonder, did you stay married when your significant other passed away? How did you decide to move on when you had promised to spend the rest of your life with someone?

"Do you think you'll get remarried?" I asked.

He smiled.

"I know I will." He said.

His eyes never left mine and I felt warmth spread through my soul.

"I'm glad you decided to keep your promise to your wife." I said.

He smiled. "Me too."

"I never expected to find this kind of love again after my divorce." I said. "It's nowhere near the same and I'm not trying to compare but it's true. That kind of love changes you. Defines you."

I paused.

"What I had with Josh was...unique. I was younger then. It was a first love, first everything kind of love. I knew nothing would ever come close to it. Maybe in another lifetime we would have made it. But it wasn't meant to be." I said.

He nodded.

"I told myself I would never find that kind of love again. And yet somehow, you're everything I needed." I said.

He smiled.

"First loves do that." He said. "They shape us in ways we can't even imagine. But sometimes they aren't meant to last."

And sometimes that's a good thing. But I didn't say that out loud. I knew if his first love was here right now, he wouldn't even look back.

I'll look after him. I promise.

Sometimes that's all you can do.

I thought about our kids. What would their first loves be like? Who would be the person who shaped the rest of their lives? Would they know what to do to fix their hearts when it all went wrong?

Growing up was full of heartbreak they wouldn't see coming. But it was also full of a lot of love they didn't know they needed.

"I'm sorry if it feels like I'm splitting my love in two." He said, suddenly.

I put a finger on his lips.

"Don't." I said. "I love you. I don't care if I have to share you. We all have complicated relationships in our thirties. Your wife deserves a place in your heart always. No matter what."

He smiled.

"You are everything I need." I said. "Sometimes, I think you always have been. That all the other stuff I had to get through was just to prepare me for a love that would put all my broken pieces together again."

I leaned in and kissed him feeling the rest of the world melt away into the background.

All my life I had put the kids first. I had fitted my life around them. I had put them in the center of my heart and used them as an excuse not to fall in love.

But now it was my turn to be selfish. And just maybe, I would let myself feel something I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

Maybe we could discover this thing together. Step by step. I didn't know what this was or what it could be.

I didn't know if all the dreams and hopes I had were real.

I didn't know if we would be strong enough to overcome all the things we had been through.

I didn't know if we would make it safely through the other side.

I didn't know what was on the road ahead. What it meant for us. For our children.

Our children. I had so many hopes and dreams for our children that I didn't know would become a reality. I didn't know the people they or he or I could be.

I had so many hopes and dreams for myself as well. Things I had always wished for as a little girl that I had never quite let go of.

I wasn't sure how much of that I still hoped would come true. I wasn't sure how many of those dreams I had held onto.

This was nothing like the love story I had planned when I was a little girl, twirling around my room and dreaming of the future.

And yet

I loved him.

That was the only thing I knew for sure.

And that was enough.

I had spent years praying for a man who made me feel like a young woman again. A man who I believed when he said I love you.

Truth be told, I had only ever expected to hear those words again from my boys.

But this was everything I had ever dreamed of  and more. I had prayed for years. But I had never expected this.

I had never expected this feeling. But I would never let it go.