His Heart

Chapter thirty

I drove Archer to his first AA meeting as he slumped in his chair, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"I'm going to go home and watch the girls." I told him. "Archie?"

He looked up at me.

"We're going to be ok." I said. "We'll get through this."

He nodded, wiping away tears.

"I'll be back later." I whispered, taking his hand and squeezing it like I did when we were younger.

I kissed his cheek and he climbed out of the car, walking towards the building with his head down.

Archer didn't like to talk about his feelings. He bottled it up until he exploded. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't convince him to talk to me until he was ready.

I drove back to the kids and watched as they played with dolls, oblivious.

I hoped he would open up to someone about this.

I walked around his house that was as familiar to me as my own. My eyes landed on the liquor cabinet that had been empty for years. Bottles rested in each slot and I swallowed.

I didn't want to see. I needed to see. I didn't want to remember all this. I wanted to lock it away someplace deep inside.

I took each bottle out and poured them down the sink, one by one, throwing the empty bottles into a bag.

"It won't happen again." Archer said. "I promise."

"You need to go to AA."

"I'll get better. I'll fix this. Let me prove it to you."

"Ok."

I went to sit down in the living room with the kids and they looked up at me, smiling. I smiled back despite the part of me that wanted to dissolve into tears.

"Hey kids, should we go to the park?" I asked.

The kids jumped up and I ushered them through to the front room, where they scrambled to put their shoes on.

~*~

The kids spun around and around on the merry-go-round but it was my thoughts that were making me dizzy.

He had to get better. I didn't know how to explain to him how much I needed him. I needed my best friend. And he needed me.

Why hadn't I been there for him?

"Mummy!" Luke climbed into my lap.

"Yeah, baby?"

"I'm hungry."

"Do you want an ice cream?"

He nodded.

"Kids, who wants an ice cream?"

The kids looked up and I smiled, trying to concentrate on the kids. No matter what, they would always come first.

I watched them smear ice cream over their faces and couldn't help but chuckle, despite everything.

They ran around chasing each other and skipping around and I wondered how children could act so carefree when it felt like your world was being torn apart.

It means you're doing a good job. I reminded myself. You're protecting them against the harsh reality of the world. You're keeping them safe.

But eventually you had to show them the truth. How else would they be ready to face the world? The longer you protected them, the harder it was to adjust.