His Heart

Chapter fifteen: Charlie

The attic was dark and I fumbled for the light switch.

Grasping it, I pulled until the room was flooded in light. Immediately, I was swamped with memories.

The attic was filled with baby boxes, old toys, furniture and piles and piles of photo albums we had locked away.

I sifted through the photo albums until I found our wedding album. I stroked Jasmine's picture with a finger gently. Looking through the album, my eyes misted as I saw how happy we looked. I looked younger, happier. And Jasmine had never looked so beautiful. The day she walked down the aisle was the happiest day of my life. 

I hunted around some more until I found an empty album. It was about time I made a more recent one.

I brought everything downstairs, leaving the wedding album on the side for Maddie to look through.

I hunted around the drawers for the hundreds of pictures I had lying around that I had never gotten around to filing. Most were of the kids. A few were of me. Pictures of school plays and day trips and the rare holidays we had been on.

Slowly, I started filing them away, lingering on each picture and allowing the warmth of sweet memories to wash through me.

I thought about Jasmine and imagined her sitting next to me holding pictures in her hands and deciding where to put them. She used to love doing the photo albums. She would spend hours making sure each picture was placed perfectly, gushing and sometimes crying over the memories they brought back.

Maddie poked her head through and I gestured to the wedding album.

"All yours, cariño." I said.

She sat down and looked through the album with a smile. Tears shining in her eyes.

There was a commotion at the front door and I heard it swing open.

"Hey!" Sebastian said striding into the house as if he owned the place.

"In the kitchen." I called.

He entered the room with his cheeky grin.

"Hey Mads, how's my favourite girl?" He asked.

"Hi Uncle Seb." She said, looking up vaguely to smile at him.

"Where's my boy?" He asked, looking around for Leo.
 
"He's upstairs." I said and he disappeared without another word.

"Hey, Sebastian, nice to see you too. I'm doing good, thank you for asking." I muttered, making Maddie giggle.

I shook my head, getting up to put the kettle on and make some coffee. I could hear Leo's squeals of laughter and prayed that Sebastian didn't drop my boy.

I placed a cup of coffee in front of Maddie and she smiled.

"Thank you, Papá." She said, smiling at the album.

"I love this picture of Mamá." She said, showing me a picture of Jasmine walking down the aisle.

"I cried the day we got married." I said, softly.

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"But you hardly ever cry." She said.

Not exactly true. I just preferred to cry when no one could see or hear.

"I cried that day." I said. "And when you and your brother were born."

She nodded, turning the pages.

"What's this?" She said, taking out these slips of paper at the back of the album.

"Our vows." I said.

She looked at the paper for a few minutes.

"I can't read your writing." She said, handing me the paper. "Can you tell me what it says?"

"Darling Jasmine, you have made me the happiest man alive and on this day, I promise to cherish you. Love and respect you. And to build a home with you." I started in Spanish, not having to read it because I could still remember every word as if I had spoken them this morning.

"I promise to be with you in sickness, in health and every other messy and wonderful moment in between. I will be by your side for the rest of our lives and I will always put us first. You are my love, my life, my person, today and for always." I tailed off, looking at my daughter.

She looked at Jasmine's vows and traced the letters lightly.

"Uncle Seb, detente por favor." Leo squealed as Sebastian carried him into the room, tickling him until he was giggling helplessly.

"Seb, leave my boy alone." I said, stroking Maddie's hair and smiling as the pair tumbled onto the other sofa, giggling.

Leo snuggled into Sebastian's side and Sebastian wrapped his arms around him.

"Have you been making any Lego structures lately?" He asked.

Leo nodded and dragged Sebastian to his room to show him his latest models whilst I stayed with Maddie.

"Where did you get married?" She asked, looking at a picture of me and Jasmine on a swing outside later that day.

"Singleton Lodge." I said.

"Papá?" She asked, turning big, worried eyes towards me. "You won't forget Mamá if you get married again?"

"Forget your mamá?" I smiled. "Querida, that's impossible. Your mamá is like the sun. You never forget someone that bright." 

She nodded, reassured.

"I want you to be happy, Papá." She said. "But I don't want to ever forget Mamá."

"I would never let that happen." I said, brushing her hair from her face. "Your mamá is my everything. She gave me you, didn't she? And Querida, every time I look at you, I see her. You have her strength, her courage, her heart."

She looked up at me and smiled. I kissed her forehead, tenderly.

"So if you're ever scared or alone, just look in the mirror." I told her. "You'll find everything you need there."

~*~

I lay in bed that night thinking about my upcoming date with Lizzie. I listened for Jasmine's voice in my head that told me what to do but nothing came. 

Jas? 

No reply. 

Jas, I'm scared. I need you to send me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. I can't do this without you telling me it's the right thing to do. I need you to show me what you think about all this. 

Nothing. 

I hope you know how much I love you. That will never change, even if...

If what? If we become a couple? If we got married? If the kids adored her? Where was this sudden hope blooming from? I had been so sure that I would never find anybody else, I certainly wouldn't remarry. Even if I had promised her I would. How could I when she took my heart with her when she died? 

I looked up at the ceiling, as if expecting to see her smile at me or something. I rolled over and rested a hand on the pillow that still rested on her side of the bed. Closing my eyes, I searched for her in the darkness, hoping she would take my hand and show me where to go so I never felt lost again. 

Forever and always, Charlie. I heard her say. I'm yours forever and always. But you need to be happy now. 

I need to be happy now. My children need to be happy now. 

After all, wasn't that all she had wanted for us? Every step of the way when she was fighting, she was fighting for our happiness. Fighting for us. Now it was my turn.

And I would never stop fighting. I owed her that.