Flourish - A Review Shop by TeamOfDreams - On Hiatus

Deep in the Forest

Author's Name:

Space_Queen_Q

Reviewer:

jwells1213

Review Type:

Full

Full Review:

Your cover fits the title and invokes the heart of a vast forest nicely. Its words were easy to read. If I were to change anything, it might be to add a shadow that might hint at Ste ye hah. Nothing obvious, just maybe if your imagination is good, you might convince yourself it could be. More likely, it is a darker patch of a tree. I think it would help catch more readers by their indecision on what it is. The longer they question it, the more likely they add it to their reading list or library.

Based on what I expect to read, your title seems perfect for the story. It does not invoke the mystery of Ste ye hah, but nothing I could come up with would either. The deep forest has its own mystery which it invokes, especially with that image.

I like your blurb but think it could start with the awakening of something ancient to catch the reader with the first sentence. It affecting her father is more important as a hook than details on her life, as the story will cover those, anyway. The horse might hook people, but the bugs will not. The last paragraph is also hook material. That last sentence gives us more information about the issues Zoe must face and is a crucial hook.

Bigfoot by itself would never hook me, but the fact you based it on Native American tales did. Between the two, you already have a powerful hook. Adding horses to the story in the second paragraph added to the pull for more people. While your Burrisonii butterfly is not the most beautiful, its inclusion will hook more people. Takota's appearance and Zoe's conversation with him continued it. If people made it that far, I doubt you would lose them.

Review of your chapter one: You gave us a mysterious feeling of the forest, a good overall image of Rhymes, with insight to Takota, and barely anything on Willow. But nowhere near enough details on your main character, Zoe. The details on the tree and its surrounding mystery were powerful. Given Takota knew a half mile up Culver Ridge was off limits, you should have mentioned his tracking Zoe or questioning her presence there. The fact she was familiar with that trail seems out of place with the ridge being Ste ye hah territory. I assume it was the tree that stood as a warning and her moving beyond it that caused the issue to come. If so, make it obvious when talking to Takota's grandfather. You could also state the trail entered the area and left going no further than that tree, so known safe. You mixed present and past tense in this chapter using 'is' twice in non dialog verbiage as present and many past tense words. Change 'is' to 'was'.

I loved the sense of security Zoe felt seeing the rambler. That moment with her father's photography was an awesome comparison to his current state. Their interaction was excellent and her trying to avoid the truth of his illness felt real. James seemed a complete, real person, while Tessa did not. That picture was the perfect moment to add Zoe's description so our image would match yours.

In the third chapter, you made Tessa complete. You also nicely set the stage for the issues to come by her passing on her grandfather's warning and the history of the area. I love the image of bugs the size of cars as long as they stay on their planet. I would not want them visiting ours.

I dislike horror, and your dream scene scared me. Given I had to read many so I could write my own, not as bad as it could have been. You should have a warning about it some place. It also had one 'is' within it. This entire chapter nicely created the foreboding of things to come.