Just Keep Driving - Jeremiah Fisher

016

The ride back from the volleyball tournament was awkward. Belly and Conrad won the entire thing, and I could just tell it was frustrating Jeremiah to no end. I could also tell he was fighting the urge to say something, but he wasn't allowing himself to spit it out.

So as soon as we arrived back at his house I rolled my eyes and got out of the car. I was making my way back to my house across the street when Jeremiah grabbed my arm.

"Yes" I said hastily turning around towards him

"I - I'm sorry" he said defeated

"For what" I said, looking for more than just those two words. I wanted him to explain himself.

"For today, for ditching you. I shouldn't have done that" He said, dropping his head in disappointment. "I don't know why I did it to be honest"

"Maybe because you have feelings for Belly" I said without even thinking. I probably sounded like a jealous girlfriend, and I had no right to be that way. We were nothing, we kissed a few times, that's it. I'm just the childhood best friend that wanted more, and I guess that's where the hurt and jealousy was coming from.

"Rachel" he said, but that was the only thing he said. I looked into his eyes and could see he was torn. That look in his eyes confirmed that there were underlying feelings he hasn't come to terms with. His heart made the decision to be Belly's partner today and that's why he made it so quickly without giving me a second thought.

"I just -" I laughed before I could finish. It was one of those laughs before you start crying. I didn't want to cry because this was all beginning to be too much. "You were so sure the other night"

I almost whispered that last line, but he heard it. I could tell he heard it because he staggered back a little like my words pushed him away.

"I don't know Rachel. I like both of you. You both have been my girls since the beginning." He said and that's when I knew those stolen kisses meant more to me than they did to him. I should have seen this coming if I'm being honest. You don't just flirt the way he did with Belly without there being at least a little bit of feelings there. It wasn't just a ploy to get me out of his mind, Belly and I both resided there and he was too scared to choose.

This was too messy. I needed to pull myself out now before anything else could happen. Susannah's sick, and the boys will be hurting enough in the next few months that I should just put a stop to this now. I didn't want to put anymore on Jeremiah's shoulders than he would already have in the next few months.

So putting my feelings aside I took a deep breath. This was going to sting but it's better this way.

"It's okay Jeremiah ... it is. I'll always be your girl, you know that, but as a friend. It's better this way"

"Ray," He said, reaching out for me but I was already crossing the street.

****

Jeremiah's POV

"Jere you have to come to the party tonight, man. It's gonna be sick! Shayla told me Liam ordered an ice luge." Steven said excitedly

I tried my best to match his excitement "Sounds cool"

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. I just don't really feel like going out tonight." I said allowing myself to sound as bummed as I felt.

"What? No, no, no. Dude, I need you, man! It's not gonna be fun without you" Steven said

"Dude, Shayla will be there, all right? And everyone's scared shitless of her." I said I was a little annoyed. I always say yes to parties but tonight I just wasn't feeling it, I wish he understood.

Everything that's been happening lately has been so confusing. Conrad, Belly, Rachel, even my mom. I'm pretty sure something is happening that I don't know about.

Rachel and Conrad have been more distant than they ever have been this summer. Mom has been going to bed pretty early. I can't help having this nagging feeling something is happening. Then there's Belly where in all of this madness she just feels like a breath of fresh air.

I thought maybe Rachel had been distant because of her feelings for me, but even when we kissed there was this wall between us. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but I wanted to be there for her. Though it seemed like I would always be on the outskirts of her wall waiting to be let in.

Belly, she made everything feel like it was okay. I wasn't even sure I had feelings for her. She just made everything feel like it was okay because she was the only one acting normal this summer, and I think that's what I liked.

I wish I could have just said that to Rachel. I wish I could have just asked her what was going on. I want to be there for her like she always is for me, but what's so hard is that she will never allow me to.

I think I only said yes to Belly because I was afraid of my growing relationship with Rachel. Like I said before Belly is the only thing that has felt normal this whole entire summer, and I just wanted normal in that time. I was scared of what I had with Rachel because it was change. Change is so fucking terrifying.

I was so deep in my thoughts I completely forgot about the video games I was playing with Steven. He beat me by a long shot, and was celebrating when Conrad walked into the room.

I was so fed up with him too. If anyone's walls were higher than Rachels it was Conrad's walls. I was beginning to not recognize him this summer. I was so angry with him. I couldn't even look at him so I decided to get up and leave. Fuck him, Fuck this, Fuck summer.

****

When I finally got over myself I made my way back downstairs. The boys were gone so it was just mom in the living room. She was curled up in a little ball sleeping on the couch, so I decided not to bother her. I sat at the opposite end of the couch but I guess my leg brushed hers and she woke up.

"I thought you left with Connie and Steven, honey"

"Uh I wasn't really in the mood for a party." I said

"Oh that doesn't sound like you."

"Yeah, just tired from the tourney." I sighed. I took a closer look at her and she looked exhausted. She didn't really do anything at all today so I wondered why that was. "You okay?"

"Uh yeah. I'm just, um ... I'm just tired too" I knew she was lying but I let it go "Hey, you want to watch a movie with me?"

"Or we could merc up some zombies." I asked, and she gave in. We sat and played video games for a little bit, but she was truly terrible. It was too funny, and it gave me a little more life than I had earlier. I loved her so much she could end any moods I was in.

She then started talking about Connie and Belly, and I waited to feel that irritation that I usually do. Though it never came, I actually felt happy for them? I wanted them to have the best time.

"Rachel unfortunately pulled out today" My mother expressed sadly. I tried to act surprised but I wasn't. Formal events weren't her thing, and plus all the practices and such were taking her away from her mom. The two don't usually spend this much quality time together.

"I'm sorry to hear that, mom" I said dolefully

"That storm cloud that's been following Connie didn't make its way over to you, did it?"

"Hmm no? Maybe? I don't know." I said confused

"Anything I can do to help?" She asked

"No. Today's just been weird"

"You sure? I mean, I'm right here" She said looking at me, and I couldn't help but get a gut wrenching feeling that even though she was here now, she wouldn't be for much longer.

"You know, I-I think I am gonna go to the party. You want to come?" I said trying to lighten the mood after my dark thoughts

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I started to become overwhelmed. What has this summer come to?