♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪ ♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪ ♪ You were beaming once before ♪ ♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪ ♪ What is this downside ♪ ♪ That you speak of? ♪ ♪ What is this feeling you're so sure of? ♪ ♪ Round up the friends you got ♪ ♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪ ♪ You were willing once before ♪ ♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪ ♪ What is this downside ♪ ♪ That you speak of? ♪ ♪ What is this feeling ♪ ♪ You're so... sure of? ♪ I wasn't even thinking about getting married until he brought it up. Now I'm, like, obsessed. Phillips. Wasn't he drunk when he proposed? Oh, yeah. It was like that David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger. I never saw that. Oh, you gotta YouTube it. It's like a car wreck... you can't not watch. You really want a drunk proposal to be the story you tell your grandkids? My husband proposed to me at the top of the Sears Tower. Champagne and roses. Six months into the marriage, I found out he was f*cking my sister. (sighs) And the moral of the story is? My sister's a bitch. Other than the presents and the booze, give me three good reasons why you want to get married. Lots of people who love each other get married every day, Fiona. I don't know, V. The way things are between you and Kevin right now, it seems perfect. Why ruin it? What do you get for that? What? What are they paying for the neck thing, disability? 674 bucks a month. (laughs) That's what I get. But look, I can do this. (chuckles) While I admire your commitment, I gotta tell ya, it's a bit over the top. (speaking Hungarian) I told 'em I get migraines. Genius, huh? Huh? Try proving I don't have 'em. (chuckles) I bet it itches like you got crabs in there. (sniffing) Kev, come out. You done? Why are we getting married? What? Other than the presents and the booze, can you tell me three good reasons why you want to get married? Not really. Wait a minute... this isn't one of those tests, is it? One of those woman things where I'm supposed to change your mind? If it is, you just failed. You saying you don't want to get married? No, I mean, things between us are pretty great. I don't want to ruin it. What would we tell people? That the wedding's off. No one's damn business why. Yeah? Yeah. Well, great then. Guess I gotta tell Mama. Oh, yeah. That's gonna suck. She's on her way over to talk about the blessed event. I am gonna miss getting a free KitchenAid mixer. Can we still register for gifts, even though you're not getting married? I got a gift for ya. Yeah? Mm-hmm. (both chuckle) ♪ Here comes the bride, all dressed in white! ♪ Which I think you can still get away with, baby. (squeals, laughs) Hey, Mama. Oh, I can't believe it! Oh, I can't believe it! I can't believe this! What happened? Nothing happened, Mama. We just deci... How could you do this to me? Look, Mama, nothing's gonna change. Kev and I are still together. Yeah, Mama... Don't call me Mama. We're just cutting out all the paperwork, right? You know, and besides, until gay people can get married in this state, I'm not gonna. You know this isn't what your father wants. You know that, don't you? Daddy's dead, Mama. He doesn't really want anything. Your daddy, rest his soul, wants to see his little girl married. Look, Mama... That's why he set aside a little something for you for once you finally settled down. A little what? Your daddy left you money for your first home once you got married. A house?
Yeah, he thought it might keep you from being somebody's baby mama. How much? I don't know! He wanted the envelope opened on your wedding day. Now I guess we'll never know. I just... I never knew how much it meant to Daddy. The world. Maybe we should reconsider, babe. But what about the gay people? They got their parades. They can wait. (sighs) It's hot. I'm hot. Are you guys hot? Hot! (knocking on door) Coming! (sighs) Hey. Pee. Oh, it's fresh? Clean as a whistle. Thanks, Fiona... you have no idea what this means to me. Means you get to smoke weed and keep your government job, and I get to eat. It's lasagna, straight from the oven. It's still warm. So's this. Keep it that way, if you want to pass. Lunch! Eat it or miss it, people! Thanks. Bye. What, more piss food? You know it. All right! Cup-a-lasagna, anyone? Right here. Who was on dishes today? IAN: Uh, I'll get them after lunch. VERONICA: Hey, Debs, you ready to go to Target? Yeah, sure. What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese. It can be both if you want. FIONA: Target? Deb's gonna go help me register for wedding gifts. I thought the wedding was off? VERONICA: Back on. Kev know? Uh-huh. Oh! Hey-hey! Mmm... damn. You tell that girl Sonny I will crap on a paper plate for her if it'll get me some of this grub. WOMAN: Francis Gallagher. Yeah. (sighs heavily) Drop your pants. I don't see how that has any bearings on my migraines. Me neither, but it's on the State form. Drop 'em, sailor. (huffing) Yeah. Still cold. (chuckles) Cough. (coughs) Again. (coughs) Again. (coughs) That's weird. Have you ever done a testicular self-examination? Oh, God, no. I say leave those three bad boys down there alone. Yeah, well, that's the problem. Should only be two testicles invited to this party. What's this? I need you and your testicles back here tomorrow for a biopsy. So, I got an extra passenger on board. What's the big deal? Normal number's two. Not for me. Third guy's always been there. He's my lucky charm. Gave me six kids. Mmm. Probably benign then. You're smart not to worry till you do a biopsy. Gives you something to worry about. Yeah. Uh, pretty sure you can't bring a baby into a bar, ma'am. And I'm pretty sure you can't get married if you already are. Yeah, I know, I know. Why the hell doesn't she know yet? 'Cause... I'm afraid to tell her. Kev... I don't want to make her sad, Fi. It would break my heart to hurt her. Just tell her the truth, Kev. If you don't, I will. Can you hit me with a milk refill? The devil's in my balls, Billy, and he's comin' for the rest of me. Let's hope he can swim. Why, Billy? Why me? Because you're an assh*le, Frank. Doc says it's probably benign. Look at Lance Armstrong. He had that ball cancer. Yeah, he ends up f*cking a rock star. (guffaws) That's right! That's right! See? Hey, baby! Hey-hey! How you doing? Okay, I know that this is silly, but I'm really starting to get excited about this whole wedding thing. The gifts and the wedding and being Mrs. Kevin Ball. (chuckles) You know old man Parson's place on Fifth? I think we should buy it. What? You know, the one where the son went crazy and hit him with an axe? It's for sale and I think we should start, like, getting our stuff together... all the loans and credit scores and all that. What's the matter, babe? I'm sure they got the bl*od cleaned up by now. I can't marry you, Veronica. I'm already married. She's beautiful. She's a head case. She used to throw plates at me. She couldn't handle her booze. That's how I got the scars on the back of my neck. Baby, you have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you over the years, but the more time went on, the more unreal it all seemed. Look like a douche bag with that mullet. (sighs) Oh, I can't believe this. VERONICA: Guess we can forget about buying a house. KEVIN Yeah. FIONA: Maybe not. What do you mean? You don't actually have to get married, do you? I mean, your mom wants a wedding. So, give her one. I could get ordained online. Then we just don't file the license with the state. A fake wedding. (laughing) (laughs) Why not? You'd still be married. It just won't be legal. Yeah, but what's the point then? All the free shit, baby! Oh. Oh, damn! Oh, baby, come on. That would've sucked. Showing up at your wedding f*cking paralyzed and shit? Yeah. Oh, shit. Looks a bit like Top Ramen in there, doesn't it? Sweetie, would you like me to come with you to your the biopsy? No, it's probably nothing. A benign cyst. An ingrown hair. Yes, I think you're right. You're gonna be just fine. (sobs) Why the hell are you crying? (crying) I knew it was too good to be true. You're gonna die. Jesus, Sheila, I'm not gonna die. I haven't even had the biopsy yet. It was probably that nut-vise sex toy of hers that gave you the damn cancer. I'm gonna need the house next week for Bible study. We're doing the Passion Play again. It might get noisy. (crying) (sighs) I have two plots at Oak Woods Cemetery. One was for Eddie. Nothing would make me happier than to bury you in one of them. (whispers): Wait there for me. Oh, God, I'm gonna die. (church bell tolling) CAROL: He married your father and I, Aunt Rochelle, Uncle Bobby, and cousin Jimmy with the... you know, that first wife of his, the one with the cleft palate. PRIEST: A cleft palate is merely the mark God leaves when he kisses a person before they're born. That girl's mama just skipped the folic acid. I'm gonna need you both to come to my weekend Engagement Encounter retreat. It covers all of the. Pre-Cana material necessary for you to be married with God's blessing. Uh, could you excuse us for just a second, please? Might be kind of fun to do it at a church outing, huh? Veronica, that man in there is a priest. He's gonna require a license. A marriage license. And I'm pretty sure bigamy is still a felony in the state of Illinois. Why did you let your mom drag us down here? You know that Mama wasn't gonna take no. What about Fiona? Wasn't she gonna marry us? Relax, baby. I got this. You know what, Mama? We already have someone that's gonna do the wedding for us. Is this some healing hands, voodoo, wheat grass jackass? Because that is not a wedding in the Lord's eyes. Go ahead, tell them, Father. Tell them that it's not a wedding in the Lord's eyes. Well, I know this... that just like the honeybee, God has many eyes. Look, it has to be a priest. That's what your father wanted, that's what I want and that's what the Lord wants. Wedding's not gonna work. What happened? Mama wants a real priest. Sheila said she'd make your wedding dress, if you want. Oh, that's nice, but what good is a dress if I don't have a priest? You could hire an actor. Remember the guy who played Elmo at my birthday party? You remember that? He took his head off. It was traumatizing. You think an actor could work? You know what? I could probably get. Father Pete to do it if Carl will help. What's it gonna cost me? Uh, Karen and I use your place Friday night? Done. Father Pete, the groper? God willing. We got hot dogs? Mmm, no hot dogs. What? Excuse me. Better late than never. Even better on time. What's with the costume? ROTC. I made Cadet Lieutenant Colonel today. You did? That's great! Yeah. Congratulations. When I get back, I want the new stock shelved with all of the labels facing the same direction. Where are you going? Your head is like a funnel. The Boy Scout trip is this weekend. They have Muslim Boy Scouts? It's similar. The motto is still "Be prepared," but you learn how to work with chemicals instead of tying knots. (Ian chuckles) The troop is sponsored by the Baptist church. They give us free outfits and overnights, and we let 'em think we're assimilating. Everybody wins. I'll be back Sunday night. Lieutenant Colonel? I'm so proud of you. It's not that big of a deal. Linda and the boys are gone for two nights. We're gonna have a whole night together to celebrate. (grunts) Oh, God! Good God! I'm sorry! Jesus Christ! Was that the biopsy?! (grunting) I'm gonna take a look. I'm just gonna take a look. Okay, well, that is definitely better. I think you're okay. Well, now, yeah. I'm just gonna shave you, okay? I've never been shaved down there before. Just doing a small section. (spray bottle hisses) Okay? Oh! I'm sorry about that. (chuckles) Maybe I could come back later and you could shave the other two. There. All done. Ooh! It feels like Spring! Wish I could say this wasn't gonna hurt. (Frank screaming) You don't have to go too crazy here, Sheila, but as close to Vera Wang as you can get. You are going to make a beautiful bride. Aw, Sheila, you're making me feel like Cinderella. Aw... Screw Cinderella. Little doe-eyed bitch. Probably one of the worst role models for little girls. I think Cinderella was a feminist. The whole idea of marriage is a useless vestige of an archaic civilization. How would you know? I watched one unravel. Oh, so one example of a bad one makes them all bad, hmm? Hmm? In olden times, marriage was nothing more than a legal exchange of women for property. Maybe you're being a little pessimistic. It's just a piece of paper! A birth certificate is just a piece of paper. And money... money is just a piece of paper. But those are pretty valuable. True. Hey, Gloria Steinem, enough of the blah-blah. Let's talk bachelorette party. I got that covered, don't worry. Oh, you better. Mm-hmm. ♪ 'Cause we gonna be doing it ♪ ♪ Uh-huh, mm-hmm! ♪ You sing it, lady! Let's go. Let's go! WOMAN: Feeling sick, feeling tired, seeing more of my oncologist than I see of my whole family. The hardest thing for me to accept is the fact that I can't fix this. I'm so used to being the mom, you know? The one who takes care of everyone and everything. The fixer. And this is breast cancer. (voice breaking): I can't fix this. Just knowing your tits are trying to k*ll you... that's gotta suck. I mean, mine's in my balls. At least they've got a reason to be pissed. Tucked between two legs, wedged right near your assh*le. There's no good way to sit, no underwear that's been devised to hold 'em effectively in place. They're a bizarre appendage. An afterthought. Which is why I don't believe in intelligent design. There is no God. We're all gonna die. Why do I have to do it? LIP: 'Cause you're the only one who's young enough to be an altar boy. We'll stop him before anything goes down. Or anyone. (both laugh) (knocks) The Gallagher boys. If you're here to steal the noon offering basket, you're out of luck. Already off to the bank. No, no. Carl here is interested in being an altar boy. That's a big responsibility. Yeah, we know. We tried talking him out of it, but he cried and cried, so we thought we'd bring him in, see if you thought he had what it takes. Hello there, Carl. Be back for ya in a bit, bud. Want to watch Scarface again tonight? Can't. Got a date. Ooh, a Mandy date or Kash date? Kash date. You're a slut, man. (thud, man groans) Shit! (priest groaning) Looks like we have a priest for V's wedding. (priest groans) A fake priest? No, no, priest is real. We're just not gonna file the license. A little immoral, don't you think? Like lying to God's face? Really, Mr. Morality? Whose car is this that we're in? It's not like I have a priest in the back. Are you still picking up the cake? Angelica's Bakery. Hey, can Kev and V use this car for their big exit after the reception? Uh, yeah, I think that could work. I just, I need it back right after. Okay. You can't do anything bad to it. And no sex in it. No sex in it? I just need this thing in perfect condition. All right, Fiona, I just... Whoa, whoa! (tires squeal) (siren wails) Aw, damn it! Damn it! Jesus! Relax, relax. It happens, okay? Yeah? What happens, prison time? Hey, Fiona. I thought that was you. Your uniform looks different. Yeah, they issued new coats. See you at Kev and Veronica's wedding tomorrow? Yeah. I'm gonna need to see your license and registration, sir. What? Why, Officer, sir? Well, you were doing 35 in a 25. And there was some swerving. That was kind of weird. Here's my license, but I actually don't have the registration. It's actually my friend's car. You really are supposed to have that on you at all times. Let me see what I can do. I'll be right back. Okay. Why did you give him your license?! That's not my real license. Yeah, so now what? We run? (phone beeps on) No, that never works. Jesus, you got me? Yeah, thanks, buddy. (phone beeps off) Well, who's Jesus? Follow car. Always use a follow car. (four g*n) (siren wails) (horn honking) Watch your speed, sir. See you at the wedding, Fi. Okay! Out. What? Get out! Oh! What about the car? Taken care of. My heart's in my throat right now. It's adrenaline. It's kinda cool, isn't it? (horn honking urgently) I'll see you at the wedding. What? Angelica's Bakery, right? Yeah, right
