MAN: Keep moving. Where the hell were you guys last week? (indistinct police radio transmission) We're getting a foster kid. It's lots of work. $384 a month. A lot of those foster kids are messed up. That's why they need a positive influence. (grunting) That's for screwing my husband. (grunting) Kiss me and I'll cut your fսck¡ng tongue out. I'm taking the PSATs for some Polish kid over at Ridgedale. I'm an investigator for the Educational Evaluation Service. What's the punishment? I'm at the University of Chicago. Come to my office. ♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪ ♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪ ♪ You were beaming once before ♪ ♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪ ♪ What is this downside ♪ ♪ That you speak of? ♪ ♪ What is this feeling ♪ ♪ You're so sure of? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Round up the friends you got ♪ ♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪ ♪ You were willing once before ♪ ♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪ ♪ What is this downside ♪ ♪ That you speak of? ♪ ♪ What is this feeling ♪ ♪ You're so... ♪ ♪ Sure of? ♪ (train whistle blows) Sh... (laughs) (groans) Going to the store today! (toilet flushes) Toilet paper. I'm starting to chafe from the streamers. Toothpaste. Why are Steve's clothes down here? Somebody couldn't wait to get upstairs last night. We out of diapers? Yeah, but I put a plug up his butt. Didn't I, buddy? Oh, it's okay. That towel's gonna leak. Yeah, I'm on it. So, my SAT gig's a bust, but, uh, I can scrape up some money another way if you need the help. It's cool. I got 35 bucks. Plus, I'm picking up that temp check later. Okay. (buzzing) Is that a Taser? Where'd you get that? I let him borrow it. Hey, help me out. Carl finally got invited someplace by normal kids. Robbie Rebello's having a paintball party. Towel? LIP: Yeah, but he's not going, so I gave him the Taser to play with. Don't worry. It doesn't work. Who's Candace? No idea. You aren't going, Carl? CARL: No. It costs $27. Here. Awesome! Thanks. What? Well, he really wanted to go, he knows we're strapped. This should hold him for a few hours. You're gonna need new diapers. Steve got a text from Candace. "Sweetie, call me. It's important." Hey, you don't read other people's messages. Is he dating someone else? Go! You're gonna be late for school. LIAM: Latey school. School. KEVIN: Mommy? (sighs) Mommy, I'm hungry, Mommy. I want some food, Mommy. Wake up. (sighs) Mommy? Kev, we're only taking in a foster kid for a week to get the money to pay for my stupid parking tickets. That's it. We're like a hotel. Yeah, I know, but... I'm secretly hoping you like it, so we get to keep the kid longer, 'cause I want to do dad things. Not a secret anymore. And it's gonna change our lives too much. No, it won't. Come on. We walk around the house naked half the time, shoot tequila for breakfast and swear up a storm. You think we're gonna be able to do that with a kid around? Yeah, but who cares? You know what? I lived with some crazy ass foster parents, but it's better than being brought up in a group home. Well, just don't get too excited. We're gonna get our money and kick the little brat to the curb. All right, fine. Now come here and let me suckle your little teat, Mommy. Uh-uh. Come on, let me suckle yo' teat. Uh-uh! I need some milk. (laughs) I need some breakfast. (Veronica squeals) Which do you like better? One? Mmm. Or two? Mmm. One. What about one? Mm-hmm. Or two? Mm, definitely two. Okay, one? Oh, God, one. One. One, one. I'm not finished yet. One? Mmm. Mmm. Or two? Oh, God, one! Who the fսck is Candace? Who?! Yeah, that's what I'm asking you. How do you know about Candace? Oh, so there's something to know? We... She... We work together. Uh-huh. Why is she texting you? "Hey, sweetie, it's important. Call me." Uh, she's a little high maintenance. That happens when you fսck someone. (Fiona grunts) Believe me, I didn't fսck Candace. We work together. That's all. I don't care if you screw someone else. Just don't lie about it. Ever. (ringtone) I'll turn it off. (sighs) sh¡t. What? I got to leave. (scoffs) Are you kidding me? It's-It's a work thing. Um, I'll make it up to you. Sorry. I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, ok? I'll make it up to you tonight. (sighs) I don't think he's gonna wake up. (monitor beeping) Mr. Gallagher? Mr. Gallagher? (grunts) What the bejeezus?! Sorry. We tried smelling salts, caffeine injections, ice baths. Where am I? In the hospital. You've been unconscious for two days with alcohol poisoning. Oh, that's-that's nothing. Back in '95, I was out for eight days. (monitor beeping) (groans) Wait, wait. Hold on on second. I'm Dr. Seery. These are my residents. We have a proposition for you. Well, you're hot, but it's been a while since I've been with a dude, never mind two. Oh, you've-you've misunderstood. Uh, we'd like you to participate in our medical study. Your what? In my whole career, I've never seen such a spectacular display of alcoholism. Thank you. Would you be able to abstain from alcohol for two weeks? No. We could offer you $3,000. Yes. MANDY: I was like, "Girl, you are not using my eyeliner if you have pinkeye." And she was, like, "Well, then, you're not my friend anymore." Hmm? You're not listening, are you? No. Sorry. What's wrong with you? I slept with someone, not Kash. What?! Yeah. Well, deets, please. Who? I can't tell you. He's on the down low, you know? Wow. Yeah. What are you doing? Hiding our silver, in case they send us a thief. We have three settings, none of 'em even match. They were my Aunt Elva's. Hey, check this out. Found my old football one of my foster dads left me. What if it's a girl? Then she's gonna learn some kick ass moves. Kev Ball fakes left, spins right. He's at the 30. The 20. The ten. Touchdown! Hello. I'm sorry. I'm Mrs. Martini from the DCFS. Oh. I'm Veronica. This is my husband Kevin. Hey. Hi. Nice to meet you. Thank you for being available on such short notice. Uh, this is Ethel. Wow. Okay. Hi. Ethel and 70 other children were removed from a religious sect. Religious sect? You mean, like a cult? Say hello to your new foster family, Ethel. Hello. You'll come back every three days for a drսg screening and brain scan. In addition, you'll be wearing my RAM. Remote Alcohol Monitor. Designed it myself. This fine piece of jewelry will alert us to any alcohol use. Make it the whole two weeks, you get the cash. Can I get an advance? This green light is connected to your bracelet. Drink one sip of booze, light turns red. Attempt to take the bracelet off, light turns red. Spill rubbing alcohol on it, light turns red. Red light equals no cash. Get ready to say good-bye to three grand. I'm a sober man! Usual, Frank? Didn't you hear me, Jess? I'm sober now. Here you go. JB and an Old Style. Whoa. Whoa. I'm sober as a seven-year-old. Haven't had a drink in two days. Well, granted, I've been unconscious for most of it, but I figure, if I can abstain from alcohol when I'm out, how hard can it be to do when I'm awake? What are you talking about? Medical study. For the next two weeks, my body is a temple. No alcohol for this fella. And I got this little guy to keep my honest. Hey, Lindsay Lohan, how much are they paying you? Well, who says I'm getting paid? No, seriously, how much? Never you mind what I'm making. You should spend some time taking a personal inventory of what you're doing for the betterment of society. JESS: Why are you in a bar, Frank, if you're not drinking? Came in for some support. The way I see it, I've done a lot for the folks around here over the past couple of years, and I could use a little help from you all now. I might hit some rough patches over the next few weeks, so I'd like you all to commit to not drinking, too, in solidarity. Like schoolchildren, when they shave their head for the cancer kid. So what say you all? Who's ready to put down the booze with me for the next two weeks?! (loud laughter) (laughter continues) (indistinct shouts) (laughter continues) Fine. (laughter continues) Hope you all get AIDS. (laughter continues) Thanks. Hi, girl. Here for your check? Yeah. (whispers): Hi, Liam. Thanks, Gisela. Fiona... I can't find it. What job did you do? Auto show last week. Ah, sh¡t. What? Jackasses at McCormick Place handed in the time cards late. Checks won't be in till next Friday. Are you serious? Sorry about that. Can I go pick it up? Payroll doesn't release funds early. I won't make it till next week. Sticks and Skates Sports Bar may need someone for this weekend. They still make you wear those uniforms? Yeah. Might as well put a mirrored stage and a stripper pole in that place. I'm teaching a free PowerPoint class for the next four Saturdays. Could get you an office job once you're certified. Starting pay is $20 an hour. Hey, Sheila, Karen already leave for school? No. Have you seen Frank? What, he hasn't been here? Not in a few days. I'm rather worried about him. I'm sure he's just on a bender. He'll surface. Yeah. What are you doing here? The SAT guy that popped me... dragging my ass out to the University of Chicago. You're planning on going to college? fսck, no. I thought we'd check it out though, you know, maybe steal some sweatshirts from the bookstore. Okay. Hey, Ethel, Veronica's setting up a space for you in the living room. In the meantime, pick your poison. Parcheesi? Monopoly? Clue? No? Yes? Maybe? You want to go over to the park? Throw the old pigskin around? I haven't done my chores today. Como se huh? My chores. Don't you have any for me to do? No. Like what? Scrubbing floors. Washing dishes. Hemming. Pickling. Canning. Laundry.
