Jesus, I'm raising five kids, and I didn't miss last week. What's your excuse? (sighs) Carl! I'm looking for Frank. FIONA: Two assholes busted into our house looking for you and some car. I don't care how you get the money, but I want six grand in cash by Saturday, or this ear will be hanging around my neck. The shoplifting is out of hand. IAN: Did Mickey pay for that? That's it. Follow me. You know where I live, if you have a problem. SHEILA: I have not been out of the house in five years. Oh! I can't! Stop it! Make it stop! ♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪ ♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪ ♪ You were beaming once before ♪ ♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪ ♪ What is this downside ♪ ♪ That you speak of? ♪ ♪ What is this feeling ♪ ♪ You're so sure of? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Round up the friends you got ♪ ♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪ ♪ You were willing once before ♪ ♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪ ♪ What is this downside ♪ ♪ That you speak of? ♪ ♪ What is this feeling ♪ ♪ You're so... ♪ ♪ Sure of? ♪ This is no way to treat a veteran! If you didn't run away, we'd have flushed first. We want our six grand. (Frank gasping) Anything? Flyer for guitar lessons and a comb. What do I owe you for the reach-around? (garbled yelling) 24 hours, Frank. Today is put-your-head-in- the-toilet day. You know what that makes tomorrow, Frank? Put-your-head-in- the-trash-compactor day. I got semolina, seven-grain and whole wheat! You work at a bakery and all you stole was bread? Where're the crullers and turnovers? We want sugar. Yeah? Too bad. Free toast for a week. Who wants a sandwich? Mine with the crusts cut off. How was your wake-and-bake? 2:00 a.m. start time. I don't know how Lucia does it. Hey, I got a surprise for you. Gotta do something about that toilet. What's wrong with it? Nothing, if you don't mind squatting above the seat like a Laotian coolie so your ass doesn't touch the water. Did you try and fix it? Hell, no. I just got my nails done. I got us a room at the Delacroix tonight. Good for you. Who you gonna take? Sounds nice. Where are the knives? Carl?!
Gotta love these half days. Good thing public education is broke. Yeah, waste of time anyway. The only thing those people are equipped to teach is how to live with crippling disappointment. Hey, wanna catch a movie later? Brandy can sneak us in. Can't. Gotta be at work by 3:00. Nice jacket Kash bought you, by the way. Thanks. Yeah. Tell Kash I'll take it in the ass if it gets me free stuff. Hey! Hey, yeah, I'm talking to you. Yeah? You got a phone? What? Your truck break down? No, genius, I like standing in the middle of a shitty neighborhood with my dick in my hands. Look, I'm already two hours late on this load. I try to take one shortcut, this is what I get. My g*dd*mn kid drained my phone playing Doodle Jump. My g*dd*mn wife took my charger. Listen, I'll give you five bucks, you let me use your phone. Just-Just one call. Oh, we-we don't have a phone. Our dad says not till we're 18. Um, but you know what? There's a bar, I think, about ten blocks that way. What's it called? Uh... O'Flaherty's. O'Flaherty's. Tell them your family's from County Cork. Ten blocks? Maybe five. Straight sh*t. Damn it. This is yours if you keep an eye on the truck. Five bucks?! Oh, cool! Thanks, mister. Hey, hey, make sure no one gets near it. Will do. Yeah, Kev, 43rd and Halsted. Bring the crowbar. So tonight, what do you think? Like I'm going to a hotel tonight. You know a great thing about hotels is that the toilets actually work. You buy watches? Buy, trade. I need cash. "20 years with the ITC." Sure you want to part with this, Eddie? That's 24-carat gold. Best there is. Test it. You'll see. Damn Palestinians, huh? It's like they come out of the womb wearing a su1c1de vest, am I right? You ask me, we should just give you guys the green light, take 'em all out. I believe in a two-state solution. Don't know why you Yids get such a bad rap for being greedy, controlling the media, making everyone get their dicks cut. k*ll our Lord and Savior? Everyone knows that was Pontius Pilate, not you! $35. $250. $35. The hell? You're supposed to negotiate! The phrase "Jew me down" only works if you take the fair price I start with and you slowly Jew me down to an unacceptable number. You can't bottom-line some rip-off rate from the get-go. Now give me a number! $35. And my ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz. So you want the $35 or not? Mel Gibson was right! Don't touch my cup, Frank. I just came over to say hello, Benny. Jesus! It's a neat trick, you knowing it was me, though. Who else smell like Old Style and ball sweat? (chuckles) I'll, uh, I'll help you cross the street. I don't want to cross no street. Jesus! I need it more than you! DEBBIE: Wow! (laughing) f*ck! (all clamoring, laughing) You go ahead. I'm gonna go back and fight my way for more. Are you sure that's such a good idea? Out of my way! I've buried two husbands! Take it easy, Grandma. How the hell we gonna fit all of that in there? We can hang it in the garage till spring, hack off what we need. Rats would get it. Rats won't be a problem. Move, move, move! Move, move, move, move, move! Here we go! (grunts) Does Ron Fitzgerald still have that chainsaw? Yeah, he owes me 'cause I told his wife he was on his way home when he was actually getting a hummer from some dude. Lip? Lip, let's go. Yeah. Straight sh*t? There's no O'Flaherty's, there's no stinking way they're gettin' that five bucks now. Hey, look what fell off the back of a truck. Mickey? Again? I don't think he detached my retina this time. Linda's gonna shit a brick. Let me see. Look, I can run out and replace whatever he took before she gets here, all right? No, you can't. It's gonna take three days for the background check. He took the g*n? How? I pulled it on him. Even released the safety. But what was I supposed to do? sh**t him over a cup-a-soup? I wish he'd burnt the store down. I never wanted it to begin with. Wanted to be a landscaper. Where's the charcoal? Above the veggies. Barbecue sauce? Got more newspapers. Oh, I think this cheese expired when Bush was president. It's supposed to age. It's fine. (chainsaw revving) Wait. Who's got the chainsaw? Lip. You know, another cool thing about hotels is that you don't have to saw your own meat. Any more gallon-sized Ziplocks? You look exhausted. You could use the getaway. f*ck you. What? Upstairs bathroom. What is it? What used to be in the toilet is now in the tub. Check-in time is 4:00. Oh, great idea. I'm in! Let's pencil that in for, say, 2023. Watch Liam for me. Come on. Brother, you gotta stop embarrassing yourself. Fiona's a hood girl, not a debutante from Glencoe. It's painful, man! You always asking her on lunches, taking a getaway? What's next, coed bikini waxes and a spa day? When she says, "f*ck you," it means "I like you." It's hood-girl speak. Learn the language. Okay, any suggestions? All day, all she does is make decisions. Five kids, f*ck' Frank? Stop asking her what she needs. f*cking tell her. Hey, change your mind about that movie? Where's Mickey? Downstate picking up our dad from prison. Why? What the hell, Ian?! What are you doing? Mickey will k*ll you. What do you want?! Ian! He hit Kash, okay? Just go. I'll put everything back. Tell him it ends now. No more messing with Kash. And tell him I want the g*n back tonight. Give me the money. I've got a g*n. Frank? What? No. I'll use it! For what, to jack off? Go home. You left Liam where?! He's not dry cleaning! You can't just drop him off! (gasps) Look after Liam? I'd love to! I can keep him in my room until Karen goes to college. Just for one night. Oh. Okay. Well, we'll have the best slumber party ever! Come on, sweet boy. Oh... hold on one second. Just hold on one, one second. (Liam whimpers) Sheila? Hold on, baby! Yeah. Okay. Okay. Who's a sweet boy? Come here! Oh... what a sweet baby! Look at you! We're going to have so much fun. How about if we start with a bath? Okay? You like bubbles, don't you? Not a chance. What's the problem? You go out. Yeah, for a few hours. Not overnight. You don't think they can get by without you for one night? You seem to have trouble with it. Come on. Let's ask them. Let's go. Let's go. You think you guys can survive one night without Fiona? No! (sighs) Kidding. Sure. Yeah, have a great time. Debs, go pick up Liam from Sheila's. No. Wait. Debs, hold on. So you're chained to this house? I'm not a Labrador. I like it here. Good. Because you'll be 40 by the time Liam gets out of the house. Thirty-seven. You know, it really doesn't have to be like this. Which part? The part where my mom splits? Or the part where my dad's a raging alcoholic narcissist? No, the part where you feel like the world would stop spinning on its axis if you take a night off.
