Oh, man, you guys missed a great party last week. (coughs) Say hello to your new foster family, Ethel. You're one of five wives? Married to a dude named Clyde? Who's 65 years old? Would it be all right if my son Jonah came to visit? Keep laughing, and I will slit your throat while you sleep. LINDA: Shoplifting is out of hand. Did Mickey pay for that? You have to stand up to him. KASH: Tried that once with his father. Now hold it like you want to do something with it. Mickey? Again? What was I supposed to do, sh**t him over a cup of soup? No touching the forbidden fruit until I'm knocked up. IAN: Slept with someone. Not cash. Guess this was like a booty call, huh? Yes. DEBBIE: Steve got a text from Candace. Is he dating someone else? (yells) Who the f*ck is Candace? We work together. That's all. I'm home. Little brother! Hey, you. Mmm. ♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪ ♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪ ♪ You were beaming once before ♪ ♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪ ♪ What is this downside ♪ ♪ That you speak of? ♪ ♪ What is this feeling ♪ ♪ You're so sure of? ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Round up the friends you got ♪ ♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪ ♪ You were willing once before ♪ ♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪ ♪ What is this downside ♪ ♪ That you speak of? ♪ ♪ What is this feeling ♪ ♪ You're so... ♪ ♪ Sure of? ♪ DEBBIE: Okay, but you got to promise. Okay, I promise... I won't tell Fiona. Now, whose house is this? I'm not sure. VERONICA: What the hell are we doing here? Trying to find out if Steve's cheating. What? Tell me that's not a woman's car parked out front. Fiona's a big girl. Fiona takes care of everyone, but no one takes care of Fiona. Is this about Candace? Because Fiona knows about Candace. She wouldn't do anything; too proud. So we have to. You're a sweet kid, Debs. (dance music throbbing) Did you purposefully order a "Sex on the Beach" just so I'd say it to the gay bartender? Maybe. Maybe I was hoping you'd actually take me away someplace so we could have sex on a beach. I could barely get you overnight in a local hotel. Well, that was then; this is now. I just feel like I haven't seen a lot of you lately. You-you mean that you'd like to see more of me? Yes, I guess that's what I'm saying. Usually by this time in a relationship, the guy starts just showing up for late-night booty calls or wants me to meet his mother. Either way, I start looking for reasons to walk. Well, my mom is in Michigan, so you don't have to worry. I think that's the first time you've ever mentioned your family. Really? Not much to say. I mean... they live in Michigan. The whole state? No, near Detroit. Dad used to work for GM, so I try to send back what I can to help. Family business... he builds 'em, you steal 'em. Come on, let's dance. Come on. (door opens) Liam is officially asleep. That was fast. Yeah, well, three pages from Deb's Eat, Pray, Love and he's out. (laughs) And if James Franco wasn't in the movie, I would've nodded off, too. (chuckles) Have you got any cash you can float me? Florence & the Machine are playing down at the Chicago Theater. I really want to take Karen for her birthday. Pricey gift. You think it's getting serious? f*ck off. She's my best friend. (laughs) Okay? You know I'd never spend that kind of cash on a girl, anyway. All right, well, I got a Hamilton, and it's yours. Thanks, man. (Liam crying) BOTH: One, two, three. (clicks tongue) ETHEL: God bless Jonah, my sweet baby boy. And God bless my husband Clyde. May those who are caring for him remind him to take his bl*od pressure supplement and his Glucosamine/Chondroitin supplement... so that he can bend down to pick up our child. And God bless the other wives, who are probably on their knees right now asking you to bless me... Separated from her kid? That's got to suck. Hopefully, the visit with him tomorrow will cheer her up. I'm kind of excited about it. Having a full house... two kids. Don't get too excited. It's only temporary. Temporary, Kevin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Are you gonna put those in my ass? 'Cause I'm not even gonna feel it. They're earplugs, babe. And they're for her. Oh, good, 'cause that would've sucked, trying to fish those out. (laughs) (both groan) Hey... hey... Wakey, wakey, Jackie Chan. (groans) Who the f*ck are you? I'm Frank. (groans) Did we...? (chuckles) Aw, now... now... (crying) Chins up. (gasps, groans) KAREN: f*ck off. How'd you know it was me? I was talking to my Promisemakers group, and... I want you to know that I understand that so much of your bad behavior is my responsibility. If you leave a dog in the house alone for more than eight hours, you can't get mad at him for peeing the rug, right? I found this... in an album in the basement. I don't know... maybe we can try to... capture more moments like these together. (blow dryer whirring) Why is it that I feel like you can't get away from me fast enough? (gasps, laughs) Because you're paranoid! Hey, whatever happened to that computer class you were gonna take? They cancelled it. Not enough people, I guess. Liam's gonna be up in a second. I got to get him fed and dressed and to the clinic for some shots. Don't tell Jenny McCarthy. Hey, Debs. Steve. Liam up yet? Squawkin' a little. So, everything cool with, uh, with you and Steve? What? Why? No reason... I'm just checking in. (sighs) Hi, baby bottoms! Did you have sweet dreams? I thought I was baby bottoms. No. I said you have a baby bottom. Mm, I swore I would never date a guy whose ass was smaller than mine, but I seem to be breaking a lot of my own rules lately, don't I? Don't I? He's assuming that was rhetorical. Hey, you want to come by tonight after Liam's down? V gave me a copy of Queen of Outer Space. Zsa Zsa Gabor at her finest. We could watch it... and not watch it. I don't think I can swing it. I gotta go to work. Okay. Mm... ah. Hey, Steve! Debs, breakfast? I'm good. Breakfast! Hey, Steve, can I get a ride to the library? Motorcycle; no can do. When did you get motorcycle? Always had one. I guess there's a lot I don't know about you. Truth? I'm in the CIA, and this is all just a cover. Any calls, Kate? Yeah, actually, some A-hole was looking for you. Left this number. Hand me the phone, will ya? Your tab is bigger than my ass, and you smell like kimchi and vomit. Now, stop that. Your ass looks great. Like you in the sack, make it quick. I wasn't quick, I was just busy that day. (scoffs) WOMAN: Hello. (womanly): Yes. I have Frank Gallagher calling. WOMAN: Hey, Frankie. Got great news. Who-who... who the f*ck is this? Your settlement is in. Yeah! Which one? Come see me, I'll give you the 411. (laughing) Hey, everybody! Next round's on me! (laughs) DEBBIE: Kev? Veronica? Didn't you just clean that yesterday? Child Protective Services is bring my baby Jonah for a visit. Everything has to be just so. You're so lucky you have a baby. How old are you? Ten and a quarter. Two more years, and you'll be old enough to start trying. Does it hurt? Sexual relations or childbirth? Both. Yes. LIP (gasping): Oh, f*ck! KAREN: He's such a douche bag. He's on this whole father- daughter Purity Ball kick. (both moaning, gasping) KAREN: He wants me to take a vow of celibacy so we can rekindle our father-daughter relationship. LIP: Maybe we could not... talk about your father right now. KAREN: Not what you had in mind for dirty talk. LIP: Oh! Not exactly. (moaning) KAREN (laughs): Oh, f*ck! Oh, shit! LIP: Oh, shh, Carl's right outside. Shh. KAREN: Oh, f*ck! Oh, f*ck! KAREN: Oh, shit! (Lip and Karen moaning, gasping loudly) LIP: Oh, shit! KAREN: Keep going! Oh...! (both yell) Yes? Shatterproof, my ass! (both sigh with satisfaction) (kiss) (Karen moans, Lip exhales) (Lip sighing) Want to go to the planetarium tonight and get high? (panting) I can't. I'm busy. Doing what? Danielle? The less you know, the better. Are we still on for Friday night? Yeah. Can you give me a hint? Yeah, but... I'm not gonna. (Lip sighs) Aha. Crucial Confrontations. Haven't seen you here in a while. Been kind of busy, Simon. I got a signed first edition of Harry Potter. Overrated. Made a better movie than a book. And now with all those kid actors grown up, they're scarier looking than the villains. Hey, can you help me on the computers? What do you want to do? Dig up some dirt. Name. Steve... W-W-Wilson? Wilton? You kind of need to know what the name is before you can look it up. Try Wilton, in Lake Forest. There are zero in Illinois, but there are 15 of them nationwide. Can you do it backwards? Notliw? No. I mean, if I give you an address, can you work from there? Hey, um, maybe sometime we could just casually hang out. Fine. Fine, yes, we can casually hang out. 1055 North Ave. It says the property owners are Lloyd and Candace Lishman. Hello, Ms. D-lish. Cool, then we can, uh, hang out sometime? We just did. (coins rattling) She opened an ING Direct Savings account. I haven't kept any large bills in there for months. Believe me, I've looked. Do you know where she is? No idea. How much you need? I've got to buy concert tickets. Yikes. Wish I had it. Maybe you should take Mrs. Niedereiter up on her offer. Well, that should do it, Mrs. Niedereiter. There are a lot of dark corners around my house that could use some attention, Phillip. Thanks for the idea. You're not seriously gonna do it?
