Consider Yourself Lucky

Twenty-One

It's been a little over three weeks since I've seen Collin. He stopped trying to contact me about two days ago. I'm glad he finally got the hint. He's sent so many flower arrangements with apology cards on them, but I haven't acknowledged any of them. Grandma is enjoying all the free flowers though. Grandma's treatments have been taking a bit of a toll on her lately but she's strong and she's been doing so good. She's getting a bit weaker but right now I only work two days a week. My shifts are short too, so she isn't home by herself much. I've learned to cook a couple new things within the last two weeks, and I even signed up for some online classes through the community college a couple of towns over. In a way I'm glad I ended things with Collin. Obviously, I didn't want to be with a cheater, but I also underestimated how much work taking care of Grandma, having a job, and starting classes would be. Grandma's knee has felt a bit better so on days she feels up to it, we take walks up and down the street. I even bought a leash and harness for Flake, so she gets to join us on our walks.

I haven't had any other nightmares since the one of me being chased in the woods. It was probably a sign that Collin was no good, not that the man in my dream had a face. And to be quite honest it didn't really sound like him either. Oh well, either way it doesn't matter. He's out of my life and I don't have to worry about being lied to anymore.

Grandma has her third round of chemo today. The doctors say it looks like it's working so she might only need one or two more rounds. The weather is beautiful today so after I drop her off, I think I'm going to have a little picnic by myself in the park. Grandma and I used to eat lunch at the park all the time when I was younger. We used to pack a lunchbox with sandwiches and snacks, and she'd let me play on the playground for a while before we ate. I miss the days when I was younger. When I didn't have to worry about anything besides which stuffed animal was going to sleep with me that night or which crayons to use for a picture in my coloring book. Life was easy then.

"Are you almost ready, Adelaide?"

"Yes, I'll be down in a minute."

I gather my things and go downstairs to help Grandma put her shoes on. It's hard seeing her not be able to do things she once could do with such ease. She can't stand for long periods of time without getting lightheaded or tired. Sometimes I even have to help her shower because she can't balance very well. Overall, Grandma is still the happiest person I know. She even cracks jokes about her tumor. I can't say I blame her. Dark humor is the best way to cope with traumatic situations. Grandma holds on to me with one hand and onto her cane with the other. She doesn't always use her cane but on days she has chemo she brings it with her just in case. I really am so proud of her. We get settled in the car and make the half hour drive to the hospital.

"What are your plans for the day?"

"I figured since it's so nice out today I would sit in the park for lunch after I drop you off."

"Oh, what's for lunch?" Grandma has lost some of her taste too which causes her to lose interest in eating most days. She knows she has to eat; she just doesn't enjoy it as much anymore.

"I'll probably just get a slice of pizza from the place down the road from the hospital."

"That sounds good." I know she feels a little upset that she can't do as many things with me as she used to. The rest of the car ride is silent aside from the radio on low volume. When we get to the hospital, I walk in to get a nurse so they can bring Grandma a wheelchair. She hates it. She thinks everyone stares at her and it makes her feel awkward. I bought her a shirt that says "If I Beat This Tumor, I Can Beat You" as a joke but she likes to wear it to her chemo treatments. The nurse follows me back to my car to get Grandma. I kiss her goodbye and tell her I'll be back when she's done. Her sessions usually only take about an hour and half. I drive down the street to get a slice of pizza. They don't have pineapple here, so I settle for pepperoni with extra ranch on the side. I can deal with no pineapple, but I need to have the ranch. I pay and thank the worker then leave.

The drive to the park is only about five minutes. I park my car and start walking towards the little pond in the middle of the park. There's a little family of ducks swimming one after the other. It's amazing how the ducklings know to follow their mother. There aren't many people in the park today. There's a couple over by the tree with easels and paint, a man with a dog playing fetch with a stick, and a lady walking with her baby in a stroller. When she walks by, I get a quick glimpse of the baby and boy oh boy was she cute. I've always wanted a daughter of my own. I love the thought of dressing her up in cute little outfits and bows that are too big for her head. I take a bite of my pizza and instantly feel nauseous. I've been craving this pizza all day and now I feel like I'm going to puke. Wait... No. No. No. That's when it dawned on me. I haven't gotten my period. I check the app on my phone that I use to track my periods. I'm four days late. How did I not notice? I've been too distracted with everything else going on with Grandma I thought maybe it was stress.

I cut my park trip short and run to my car. I find the nearest store that carries pregnancy tests and grab two of them. I get a rapid one and a digital. My eyes have been playing tricks on me lately so I feel it would be easier to read the word "not pregnant" instead of thinking there's a second line when there won't be. There can't be, but then I remember. When Collin and I did what we did, neither of us had protection. Stupid. I am so stupid. I didn't think it could happen with it being my first time. I am really hoping these are negative. I don't know what I would do if they weren't. I stuff the bag in the backseat, so Grandma doesn't notice it when she gets in the car.

I drive back to the hospital to wait for Grandma. I should have stopped somewhere to take the test, but I also don't really need to pee at the moment. I chug the rest of the fruit punch I bought at the pizza place earlier. By the time I get home, I should have a full bladder ready to be emptied. I wait another forty-five minutes in the car until Grandma gets wheeled outside. I try to hide my nerves as we drive home but Grandma can sense these kinds of things.

"How was your lunch, honey?" I'd be able to tell you if I was actually able to eat it.

"It was okay, the pizza was kind of greasy though. It upset my stomach."

"Have some crackers when we get home, and you'll feel better."

"Yeah, I will."

We pull into the driveway, and I bring Grandma inside first. I don't want to bring the bag in at the same time and have her ask questions. When she's inside I tell her I forgot my purse in the car. I take the tests out of the plastic bag and stuff them in my purse and bring it inside. I run upstairs to my bathroom. I have a cup I used for my coffee this morning still in my room. I wash it out in the sink and pee in it. I read the instructions and dip the tests in the cup. It says to wait three to five minutes before reading the results. I dump my pee in the toilet and wash the cup again. I'll probably end up throwing it away anyways. It's a good thing it wasn't one of our special coffee mugs.

After what felt like the longest five minutes of my life, the timer on my phone goes off. I go into the bathroom and prepare myself for the results. Please be negative, please. I flip the tests over.

Two lines. No, maybe it's a faulty one. I check the digital.

Pregnant.

FUCK.