Consider Yourself Lucky

One Year Later

You never realize how hard something is until you go through it. Birth, death, literally anything. Life is hard and throws you obstacles you think you'll never be able to get past. I gave birth to my daughter one month before Grandma passed away. The treatments were going great until they weren't. She was feeling great until she wasn't. She fought a long and hard battle just to be able to meet her great-granddaughter, Melanie Rose David. Collin and I struggled with names. I would find one I liked but then he wouldn't like it. He would find a name he liked, and I wouldn't like it. Her name wasn't chosen until she was in my arms. The moment I saw her face was the moment I just knew. I had mentioned it to Collin, and he was in love with the name almost as much as he was in love with her. Grandma Millie had been my biggest supporter and my number one role model. It was only right to name my daughter after her. Rose is her middle name because those were Grandma's favorite flowers, and it was only right considering her father owns a flower shop. Grandma cried when she held her for the first time and then cried even harder when we told her the name we chose. She was surrounded by the people she loved most when she passed. My mom has been such a great help to Collin and me. For a while I had felt some type of way towards her, and it took me a while to trust her. I understand why she did what she did, and I probably wouldn't have had such an amazing childhood if she had kept me with her or stayed with my father. She is brave for running for all those years. I really look up to her and respect her now because since having Melanie, I have realized there is nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for her. The motherly instincts that just kick in once you see your child's face for the first time is an indescribable feeling. You would move mountains just to see that little smile. You would do anything just to keep them out of harm's way. I understand that now, I get it.

Watching Collin be a dad has got to be one of my favorite things. The way he cradles her to rock her to sleep, the way he'll make any funny face just to hear her laugh. It melts my heart. Collin and I got married right before Melanie was born. We both wanted Grandma to be there for our wedding, so we had a small ceremony in the backyard of Grandma's house with just us. It was a beautiful little wedding with a bunch of little fairy lights around the yard. I made Grandma's lasagna for our meal, and I couldn't have asked for a better night. He is such an amazing husband as well as a father. I wouldn't mind having a couple more babies with him.

My mom lives in Grandma's house for good now Collin and I bought a house just about forty-five minutes from there. The commute to the flower shop is a bit longer than it was but we're closer to the beach, so he doesn't mind too much. I stopped working at the grocery store so I could be home with Melanie while Collin works. For the most part I love being a stay-at-home mom. I get to watch my baby hit every milestone and don't have to worry about any bad daycares. I started college classes a month ago and everything is going well. It gets a bit overwhelming sometimes being the main person my baby depends on, but Collin helps out so much when he's home I can't complain. Flake lives in the new house with us and for Christmas I got Collin a beagle puppy, just like when he was a kid. He absolutely loves him. Everything is absolutely perfect.

Although my life lately has been amazing, I did start going to therapy once every two weeks. It gives me some time to really come to terms with everything that's happened. I get spooked every now and then when I see a blue SUV in town. My heart races when I get a call from a telemarketer thinking it'll be my father trying to get a hold of me. I just figured therapy would be a good idea. Plus, it allows me to get out of the house on my own every once in a while.

I wake Melanie up and change her diaper before giving her a bottle. She's a milk monster and the bigger she gets the more milk she wants. She's a chubby little baby but she's so damn cute. She has Collin's green eyes and my brown hair. I think she looks like Collin, but he always says she's the spitting image of me. It always depends on whose baby picture you're looking at. Collin doesn't have many but in the couple photos he does have, she looks like him. I bring Melanie downstairs and sit her in her highchair while Collin gets her baby food ready. She just started stage one of baby food and so far, apples are her favorite. Collin kisses me on the cheek.

"There is a plate of eggs for you on the counter babe."

"Thank you." I grab the plate and sit at the kitchen table while I watch Melanie get excited over the little airplane motions Collin is making with her spoon.

"Do you have therapy today?"

"Yeah, I have to leave in about fifteen minutes so I can get there in time."

"How are you feeling today? Everything alright?" I feel a bit off today and I'm not exactly sure why, but I think once I get to talking to my therapist, I can figure it out.

"I think I'm just tired." Since having Melanie, I've also been diagnosed with postpartum depression. It's hard sometimes and you get extreme mom guilt for some of the emotions you go through. Part of my therapy also helps me manage my feelings a little better. I know I'm a good mom and I try my best to remind myself that. But sometimes it gets hard. My body isn't the same as it used to be. Collin makes sure that he tells me how beautiful I am every day but sometimes it's like he says it just to make me feel better. I think the hardest part of having a baby is postpartum. I finish eating my breakfast and make myself a cup of coffee to bring with me for the ride to therapy. I go to pour it into my travel mug and spill some on the counter.

"Shit!"

"What happened?"

"I just spilled some coffee on the counter." I go under the sink to get a rag to clean it up. Collin comes over to me and takes the rag from my hand. He lifts my chin so I'm looking at him.

"I will take care of this. Just get your stuff ready and go to your appointment. I love you very much. Stop stressing yourself out." He reaches in his back pocket and hands me a ten-dollar bill. "Stop and get yourself a coffee." I take the money from him, and he kisses me.

"Thank you for being such an amazing husband. I love you." He smiles at me, and I go over to Melanie to kiss her goodbye. I walk out the door and it's nice and there's a nice chilly breeze outside. I stop at the cafe to grab my coffee and add in a panini. I arrive to my appointment ten minutes early so I sit in the parking lot to eat my panini while I wait. When I finish, I go inside and check in at the desk.

"You're all set hun. You can take a seat over there and they'll be with you in a couple minutes." I smile and thank her and go sit in the seat I always sit in when I'm here. Five minutes later, my therapist comes out to the waiting room and calls me in for my session. We walk down the hall to her office and I take a seat on the comfy green couch.

"Would you like a water or some crackers?"

"No, I'm okay. I just ate before I came in."

"So how have things been? Any better?" I debate on if I want to tell her about the nightmares just yet. I haven't had them for long but just the same one of someone chasing me in the woods and every now and then I get a whiff of bourbon smelling breath. I know I should say something, she is my therapist.

"I've just been having nightmares lately. Not every night but on the night that I do, they feel so real. I don't know what to do to make them stop. Then there are some nights I can't even fall asleep." She looks at me and nods the way that therapists nod when they are telling you they hear what you're saying.

"What do you think is causing you not to fall asleep?" I sit and think for a moment.

"I don't know, maybe that I if I fall in a deep enough sleep that I won't be able to hear Melanie if she cries?" I know that's not the reason. I mean it could be a part of it, but I think the main reason I can't sleep is what my father said. When they put him in the back of the cop car and he mumbled, I don't think anyone else heard him. But I did, and those words just replay over and over in my head like a broken record.

"Consider yourself lucky, Adelaide."