Bad Intentions

/2:9/

/2:9/

Four days later I was home. My life was normal. At least I kept pretending it was. My mother would wake me up and we'd have breakfast with my dad. I even laughed a few times. I went back to calling Allan dad. Penelope smiled at that. She knows it's been hard. Everyone does. I would spend the rest of my day staring at the wall. If take three cold showers and I'd pop a couple pills. I contemplated suicide and I contemplated running away. I called the phone Quinn left here. I held a lighter to my hand then I'd stare. I'd stare at the wall. I wrote poetry.

All about Asher. About Quinn. About Jasper. About anything or anyone I'd ever succumbed myself to loving. I contemplated suicide.

Still the best idea of them all.

I called Seth. We had sex. I cried. He left. I tried to drown myself. I sat in the bathtub but I couldn't do it.

Pathetic. Loser. Fuck up.

I wrote to my birth mother. I wrote to the hospital. I called the hospital.

Hospital: Hello Graven Hall Hospital.

Me:...

Hospital: Are you hurt or in an emergency?"

Me:...

I'd hang up every time.

Couldn't do it. Couldn't do it.

The last day of spring break I was in the hospital. My mother had died. It was funny. Well not the death. But it's funny how everyone cared now. People who had talked so much shit about my mother. People who hated her. Crying by her bedside.

The last day of spring break Asher came home. It was like a movie. He tried to talk to me but I couldn't.

"I'm going to kill myself." I told him.

"No you aren't." He replies.

"Only to spite you. Yes." I nodded.

"You're tired."

"Only of your bullshit." I said.

"You don't have to be like your mother."

"Which one?" I asked. Asher sighed. His fingers wrapped around my mother's. They hadn't gutted her yet.

"I'm sorry."

"That's all you'll ever be." I muttered walking out the door.

~*~

The first day of school. I skipped.

The second day of school. I skipped.

The third day of school. I attended.

School never really was a place to me. It was the title people gave to a room that huddled education. Apologies were slurred with awkward hugs and pats on my back. Teachers let me leave early and the lunch lady gave me extra fries.

Andy.

Andy: I'm so sorry.

Me:...

Andy: My mom wants you to come over for dinner.

Me:...

Andy: Please Peyton. Please talk to me.

Me:... I'll say something you don't want to hear.

Andy: you saying anything is what I want to hear.

Me: You can burn in hell.

I walked away. My first two sentences to Andy since I've been back. No regrets.