Syn's Random Thoughts

; panganay

Being the panganay comes with big responsibilities. You'll have obligations that you never knew were heavy until you tried doing it. Being the panganay  is, yes, a blessing,  but it also isn't always happy. While everyone's eyes are on you, there you are hiding your weakness. You can't fail. You can't show them you are tired because they will think less of you. Being the panganay is a job because you yourself would want to take every pain so that your brother or sister won't feel the pressure you were given so that they will have a life different from yours. Being an ate is scary. Sometimes while sacrificing, you'll forget how to love somebody. Because you'll be scared to be seen lifeless, you are scared to show your weakness.

I know being a bunso or being a middle child is also hard. Alam ko na mahirap maging bunso or maging middle child kasi minsan sila din yung mas binibigyan ng pressure, sila yung mas napapahirapan. Hindi naman natin kasalanan na ganito mundo.

Sometimes i look at my brother and i stare at him and i apologize to him in my head. The words that i wanted to tell him linger in my mind, but i can't tell him that because I'm scared that if i show him my soft and weakest side, he'll be like me. That's why, as much as possible, I want him to be brave. I correct him. And while i try to help him fix is life, i didn't notice that i was giving him a hard time to love me, to be his ate. Because instead of me being an ate i was being someone else. I was being like my parents. I was also giving him pressure, the pressure that they gave me.

Because of that i changed. I made myself better.

For everyone that is reading this, remember, it's okay to make mistakes. No one is perfect. It's okay to not always be strong; it's okay to show your weaknesses. It's okay to not always be right. The weight you are feeling will be gone soon. Don't blame yourself for not being enough for them. You are enough. They just can't see it. You are doing great. You are unique. Choose yourself sometimes. It's okay. It's okay, it will be okay.

One day you will be in a phase where you will say to yourself that you did it. You made everyone proud, including yourself.

Im rooting for you, as im rooting for me to.

-Syn

Author's note:

I made the pov na panganay ate because panganay ako. I know that lahat tayo may struggle being a child, whether it be the only child ka, middle child, the oldest or the youngest. I know that is why, at the end of my thoughts, sinabi ko lang everyone. Because i know how hard it is to be pressured by someone, i just want to cheer u up also reminder nadin para sa sarili ko. Also, thankful me sa mga friends ko na andyan tuwing i feel vulnerable. Ty guys, ilyyy. That's all for now, hehe.

Xoxo,syn.