... And Other Ships

JiKook: The Long And Winding Road

I'm tearing myself apart. 

I don't know what happened; I don't remember exactly when I started feeling this way, but I do and I don't know anything other than it's tearing me apart. 

All my life, I chased after girls. They're so beautiful; their legs, lips, hips, hair, fashion sense, makeup, voices, everything about them is just so lovely. Their personalities are always treats, too. Girls are like boxes of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get. 

And girls like me, too. They talk about my own looks, my voice, the things I'm talented in, my charm. They see me almost how I see them, almost. 

I've had my fair share of girlfriends, though a few broke my heart. I'm way over those heartaches; I've caused a few myself. I just hope that out of all the pain I caused those girls, I was the one who hurt the least. I didn't find joy in breaking their hearts; it absolutely sucks and I know it does. Why would I want anyone to feel the way I do?

Now, my heart hurts for a whole new reason. No girl did this to me. My job and everything else didn't do this to me, either. 

My best friend makes my head and heart hurt so bad. 

Jeon Jungkook came into my life when I wasn't the best person. I was at a low point and often took it out on him. He was just a kid and I was barely an adult myself. I have so many regrets on how I treated him in the past, but there's no going back now. Time machines aren't real. And for some strange reason, Jungkook remained my friend. 

He was and has been so determined to be my friend no matter how poorly I treat him. I do my best to care for him, though he treats me like a king. I feel like I can never do enough to show my love to him. 

When he bought a large house, he asked me to move in with him. Of course I said yes; that house is way too big for one person and I never want him to be lonely. Hell, it's still too big for even two people. He refuses to let me contribute to bills, so I handle the groceries and usually clean. He likes cooking, so we manage that task together. 

At some point, I started to see Jungkook in a different light. I still see him as the wide-eyed boy I first met, full of wonder and happiness. But I see the strong grown man he's become over the years, and it's taken a toll on me. 

Jungkook is such a compassionate, talented soul. He loves doing so many things, and he's talented in all of them. He loves puppies and kittens and children and helping people and going on walks and showing me random things on the internet and reading graphic novels and quiet moments on the balcony and hugs and picking me up and spending time with me and...

Where do you find someone like him? He's one of a kind. 

Where do you find someone who still has that innocent sparkle in his eyes in his twenties, a sleeve of tattoos able to kick him out of many places in Korea, a gorgeously toned body, voice a soothing tenor, and smile to erase negativity from the moment? He's right here in front of me.

I've fallen in love with him, and it's tearing me apart. 

I'm doubting every part of myself. Did I ever like girls in the first place? When did I become attracted to guys? Is it all guys, or is it just Jungkook? Is it real love or just infatuation? 

Most of my girlfriends were just infatuation, but I was in a one-sided love. I loved her so much and she knew it, which was why she felt so bad for dragging me along. I haven't spoken to her since, but she announced on social media she found the one for her, and I'm happy for her. We both deserve a forever, just not with each other. 

When I loved her, I felt a little bit like I do now. But Jungkook is not a girl and I never saw myself loving a man. I still don't, not really. 

"Jimin-hyung?"