Dreaming Is for the Free

One

Life has a funny way of setting things straight. It's sure to knock some sense into you one way or another. It'll knock you right on your ass without a single warning, forcing you to face what's directly in front of you.

Sometimes it seems as if the conditions are just too bad, like I'm sinking and I don't know how to swim. It's like I'm locked inside of a box losing air, suffocating as the seconds go by. I can see my life flash before my eyes. Then suddenly, there's nothing left. Just darkness. Then there are the other times when everything is good. I'm floating. The skies are clear. Everyone around me is happy and well taken care of. So in return, I'm happy.

Sadly, it's hard to know which instance will come my way.

I've been trying to figure out how to deal with whatever it is without combusting, and I fail almost every time simply because I care too much. I worry too much. I wish I was one of those people who didn't hold their mind hostage after every difficult situation, but I can't help myself. I'm stuck, and I'm trying to live with the fact that I'm just not the person I want to be. I don't think I've ever been. I'm my worst enemy. I know that. What I don't know is how to deal with that even though I should know by now. It's been 18 years, and yet, I have no clue how to control my intruding thoughts. I wake up stressed, go to sleep stressed, even watch TV stressed. It's never ending and as the days roll by, I have no choice but to cope no matter how hard it is.

But I do have some help. I have my good friend, Prozac. I don't know where I would be without "her".

After being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was four years old, I've continuously had some struggles. I wasn't put on medication until I was eight, and that was after I had a bit of a meltdown. It's an infamous moment that I would like to forget about, but I'm glad it happened. It forced Angel, my biological mother, to finally listen to Grandma and the doctors. She would constantly argue with anyone who had anything to say about my diagnosis.

"The doctors made a mistake."

"She'll grow out of it."

"She's too young to have anxiety."

I remember every statement Angel made when she found out that her strange daughter worries herself sick. After my incident, she had no choice.

Prozac has been by my side ever since. My longest friend. I haven't gone one day without "her".

Speaking of which, it's time.

I close my journal and place it on my night stand along with my sparkly, silver pen. I write every morning because it helps me center my thoughts. There's a lot less I have to overthink about if I write some of those thoughts down.

I hop out of bed and slide my feet into my cream colored slippers. The fur tickles my toes as I tread slowly into the hallway, hoping Grandma hasn't occupied the bathroom yet.

I've been living with her since I was 11. That's when she got custody of me so now it's just Grandma and I. Angel wasn't fit to be a parent, and still isn't. She's interested in other things.

My grandmother, on the other hand, saved my life. She took me in and gave me everything I needed. I don't think I'd be alive if it wasn't for her. The only downside is that she takes too long in the bathroom. There's only one in this three bedroom house, and I think she forgets that sometimes.

I hear water coming from the sink so I decide to wait instead of going back into my room. Hopefully she's finishing up and will be right out.

I start to stare at the brown walls, which look like some kind of fake wood. I've always found this texture to be strange on the walls. Yet everyday, I find myself fixated on it whenever I walk through this hallway. I picture Angel running through here when she was younger, getting in trouble while Uncle Theo chases her. Grandma yelling from in the kitchen as she cooks a big Sunday dinner for the family. It makes me happy and sad. Happy because I know that this house holds so many memories. Sad because I never had a childhood like that. Sad because I don't have a healthy relationship with Angel.