WALLFLOWER // B.E

thirty-one

juniper

billie's eyes scanned over my face. she smiled as she did. "pretty girl," she murmured, which made my face flush.

i cupped her face, and i pulled her lips to mine. she kissed me back, but she started to pull away. she pecked my lips a few times, then completely pulled back.

she settled onto the bed, and she sat across from me. i looked at her with slightly furrowed brows, and i tilted my head as i looked at her. she held eye contact for a few moments, then let out a deep breath.

"what are we?" she asked abruptly.

my eyes widened, and i didn't say anything. it felt like all of my breath had been knocked out of me. i opened my mouth to say something, but i stopped myself.

"i mean, we're not just friends..." she trailed off. her eyes scanned mine for a few seconds. "right? i just— i want so much more than that, junie."

she pursed her lips as she waited. i just looked at her helplessly, and i didn't say anything. i didn't know what to say. i couldn't even force myself to say something.

billie's face flushed with embarrassment. she swallowed hard, and she bawled her fists up.

"never-mind, forget i even said anything," she muttered as she stood up. "i should get home. it's getting late."

she walked to my bedroom door. she opened it, though she stopped. i couldn't look at her as i still sat there in shock. she let out a small breath, then walked out of my room. the door slammed as she closed it, and i flinched.

i pressed my lips together as i sat there for a second. i started to get up to go tell billie to come back, but i stopped as i heard her engine start up and then the sound of her driving away.

why is it that every time one of us says or does something "wrong," the other one leaves?

it's hard to stay, when you're so used to running, and it's all you know how to do.

running is so much easier.

i sat back on my bed, and i placed my head in my hands.

i should've said something, but i just couldn't.

the whole idea of a relationship is scary. it makes me so nervous.

i wouldn't want to fuck anything up. there's also the chance of billie fucking something up. both of those are scary.

i'm also terrified of the fact that if i get into a relationship, that it could turn out like my parents' relationship. i don't want that. i don't think billie would be like my dad, but i never thought my dad would do what he did either, until i saw it.

you know what, maybe it's for the best that billie walked out. maybe she shouldn't come back. maybe we'd be better off quitting while we're ahead.

i thought about that for a few moments. i pulled my knees to my chest, and i wrapped my arms around my legs. i repeatedly hit my head against my knees.

i don't want to do that though. i really like billie, and i don't want to quit what we have. i don't want to lose her.

but maybe it is for the best.

i sat there for a moment, and i pouted as my head started to pound from where i had hit it against my knees so hard. i rubbed my forehead before i got up. i grabbed my cigarettes and my lighter, then made my way outside.