A Warm Place

Extra X

Two Sides of a Coin ＊2

Even now... I cannot remember how I lived during the several months after I lost Tsubaki. At that time, I was rejecting reality, the fact that I could not meet Tsubaki anymore. Hence, I stopped thinking entirely. Otherwise, I would be overwhelmed by the heartrending guilt and sorrow within me, crushing me underfoot.

However, it does not mean that I have forgotten everything that happened. There are still faint pieces of memories that remain.

Although I cannot make out the details, I remember attending Tsubaki's funeral. It seems that I was brought by the Sekiguchis to the ceremonial hall, and I sat somewhere inconspicuous. I heard other attendees speaking and their sobbing, but it did not register in my head. Everything came as static in my ears.

But this, I clearly remembered--the words that one of the attendees said in my face.

I was sitting on a chair with my head cast down, when she approached. She was one of the few people that I could call my acquaintance. She was wearing all black, which was the same attire as mine. She looked horrible because she did not bother wiping the tears on her face. Then, she bared her hatred towards me. She glared at me fiercely, as though she was going to murder me.

[It's your fault!! It's all your fault that Tsubaki died!!]

She grasped my collar and pulled my whole body towards her, but I did not do anything to resist. Her shouts of abuse, as well as her scornful eyes did not come as painful for me. Far from it, I felt comforted instead.

Because... nobody would blame me.

She was the only one who would tell me straight up that I was to blame for Tsubaki's death. Her unadulterated words pierced my heart, and they remain even now.

[I'll never forgive you.]

She said the same words over and over as she screamed. And I simply listened.

[Never!]

It would be much easier if everyone came to hate me. I wanted them to drive me to a corner. I wanted someone, anyone, to pluck my right to keep living.

After all, there was no way I could meet her anymore.

My life had lost its meaning. I wanted to die and went to her side.

But ironically, the grudge that she poured on me became the chain that bound me to this world.

Tsubaki died to protect me. If I died, what she did would become meaningless. Sawamura Akari's words brought me to realize that. Besides, it would be unforgivable for me to seek peace by dying. After what happened, I was not qualified to follow after her.

It was my fault that Tsubaki had passed away. Therefore, I had to live to atone for it. For her sake, for the sake of the people related to her, I would live and keep living... I had to carry on until I drew my last regardless of how painful, how sorrowful, and how lonely it would be. I might not attain forgiveness for the rest of my life, but still I would continue to atone.

That was the [punishment] for my sin.

That was what...

...my weak and brittle self had believed all this time.

＊

Tsubaki has gone on the way home, which leaves the two of us alone in the public park. The sun has set before I knew it, and our surroundings has turned completely dark. The temperature has started to drop, and I can feel the cold wind brushing against my hair.

"...Has it been since the funeral?"
"Indeed."

I did not imagine that a day would come when I could speak to her like this again. I know that she despises me, so I believed that she would never appear in front of me anymore. Perhaps it was pure coincidence that we meet in this place. It is impossible that she would return expressly to meet me.