A Warm Place

XVII Because You're so Precious

How many minutes have passed? I can hear the sound of her taking a deep breath next to me, which suggests that she wants to say something. I perk my eyes so that I won't miss anything she says.

"...From the time I am aware of my surroundings, Mom has never made contact with me more than necessary. After a while, I realized the truth that she has always been avoiding me."

"Mm."

Tsubaki starts to talk with much pain, so I listen to her solemnly.

"School trips, athletic meets, parents' day, she never came to any of those events. Someone else would attend it in her stead. At first, I admitted that she had been busy with work. But, my mother never celebrated even my birthday."

"And so, I came to understand that she hates me. But, I didn't want to admit that, and to escape from it, I end up avoiding Mom myself without realizing it."

She cuts off her words and clenches her fist, like she is trying to endure something from bursting out. After a short while, she painstakingly opens her mouth again.

"I was terrified. I mean, Mom is the only one I have. I was afraid that she might leave me. That's why I didn't want to know about what she really feels about me."

"Mm."

Nobody wants to be hated. Everyone wants to be loved. Even more so when it's their only blood relative, their own mother. Fearing to know about her mother's true feelings-fearing that it would hurt her-I believe anyone would feel the same way.

"As long as I avoid Mom, I will never know about her feelings. It makes me sad and lonely, but as long as I can stay with her that way, I don't mind. However..."

Suddenly, Tsubaki's pained expression turns worse.

"...I noticed that Mom has been seeing a man lately."

"Eh?"

Does it mean that... the reason behind Tsubaki's recent gloominess is because she noticed that her mother is dating a man?

"I'm sure that Mom wants to talk about her remarriage earlier. When I think that she's finally going to leave a hindrance like me... I feel so sad, and I ran away so that I don't have to hear it from her."

Like she's given up on something, she shows a dry smile. My chest hurts, as if it's being torn in two.

"I should've known by now that I am an unneeded existence to Mom. But in the end, I don't want to admit it, I don't want to know about it.... I feel lonely."

Her tears that have dried, start welling up in the corner of her eyes again.

"Tsubaki."

I grasp her trembling hand tightly. Although she looks pale and scared, I'm relieved to know that her hand still feels soft and warm.

"It's okay."

"Hinata...san."

While it's lacking in strength, she grips my hand back.

"Tsubaki's mom thinks of you as precious, you know. I swear it."
"How... can you be so sure?"

I think about how I should answer for a bit, before I open my mouth.

"Because, I just know."
"......But that's..."

"Yup, you won't be convinced by that. It's difficult for me to prove it, but it's the truth. That person would never think of her daughter as a hindrance."

On the contrary, I believe that she really holds Tsubaki dear. It's not really a conviction, though, since I'm actually half wishing it.

"After living together with Mom all this time, I... I can't believe what you say is true."