Writes of Courage

Chapter 4: Self

If my 17-year-old self were to stand in front of me right now, I would hand her a chair as the conversation ahead of us would be a long and expressive one. Though, in summation it would sound something like: 'Love and honour yourself Thobile. Respect and value your presence. It is not about to be easy, but amidst all of it, never forget that you are enough and perfect just the way you are. You need not change to fit in nor to stand out. Be yourself and all that you seek will effortlessly gravitate towards you. You are worth more than you know – hold on to that for ever and a day. Oh, and... have fun'. I have always looked into the mirror and saw how amazing I was in my assertiveness, resilience, bright mind and sharp tongue, but for some reason I became scared of that person. I was scared because the world I lived in made me feel like I was alien. I started looking for faults in myself that didn't even exist, allowing myself to be boxed into stereotypes and ideas that others have about what a woman should be. Never doubt that everything happens for a reason. Little did I know that from drifting from myself I was actually moving into a space of wanting to find my true self, a place of incredible strength and power. An emotional, but fascinating journey it has been. There's nothing more fulfilling than tapping into your inner warrior and realizing that you are unstoppable. The power and fire in that is too big to be put into words. A place of self-love and self-awareness.

A huge part of loving yourself is understanding and embracing who you are, instead of trying to run away from that person. For that to happen, you need to silence all the noise around you and focus on yourself. One point we always misunderstand is that of confusing identity with image. Your image is a part of your identity – who you identify as. For me, that is your true self. Image is more closely associated with how we choose to look. Having the desire to be shapeshifters and change how we look from time-to-time cannot be referred to as identity or the crisis thereof, it's called 'knowing that you like looking different, being versatile and having fun with your look because you can and you're allowed to'. We are afraid to be our true selves because we are so focused on what people are going to say. Once again, silence the noise and have fun being yourself. What people have to say about you has neither substance nor the power to control you, unless you allow it. You have one shot at life, the last thing you want is to spend it unhappily trying to please everyone but yourself.

We were born liberated. As soon as we understand the world and learn how society operates, we start losing that freedom. We allow ourselves to be labelled, boxed and defined by other people's voices instead of our own. Underline 'allow ourselves'. It's understandable. We want to be comfortable and fit in with 'the system' because it's easier that way – if you are what they want, then you are spared from harsh judgment and having to live in torment, wondering what's wrong with you. Guess what – there is no system. The only rule is to love the person that you are through and through. Loving yourself means putting your happiness first. You do what makes you happy, at your own expense, and whoever has a problem with that will learn to adjust. You build yourself up because no one is going to do it for you. Other people can only help you so much; at the end of the day no one knows you like you know yourself, and another minor detail: it is your life.

Love, respect and honor yourself so fiercely, that no one can ever feel like they have the right to dictate anything about you. You owe nothing to the world, except for what you are willing to give. Anything and everything must start from within. If you truly believe in everything about you, you become a force. Serve yourself first in order for you to be the best version of yourself, for yourself and those you care about. Protect your energy by all means. Your spiritual or energy state greatly influences the world around you as much as it does the inside. Do not allow other people to break into your field of serenity and disturb your peace. Walk away from beings, situations or whatever it may be that carries with it the direct intention and purpose of discoloring your spirit. Be selfish with your peace, because that's where everything good you do dwells and stems from. You deserve to be happy and you know it. You also know that your happiness lies in your hands, but because there are all these voices saying one thing or the other, you lose sight of what is important.

Be honest with yourself about the state of your life; how you really feel about it, what you want from it and how you are planning to get there. This I would like to refer to as self-consciousness or self-awareness. It simply means coming to terms with your reality and the decisions you are willing to make, to make life better for yourself. This starts with not fighting yourself and your feelings, and forgiving yourself for being human and making impulsive decisions every now and then. Acknowledging and appreciating yourself enough to remind yourself that you have certain standards for yourself, but you are not perfect. We often get sick and wear out our minds so much from beating ourselves up over petty things. To you they may not be petty, yes, but what good or difference will it make? If, for some reason, stomping over yourself turns back the hands of time and allows you a do-over, then, by all means, continue. We all know that will not happen. Practice on yourself kindness and forgiveness. There's a reason why the earth is in a continuous orbit around the sun – to remind us that life does not stand still, no matter what. Same goes to all of us; no matter what hand life deals us, we move. Take a moment to catch a breath and keep going.

If there is anything your relationship with self should never lack, is kindness. Being kind to yourself means giving yourself everything you feel you deserve, without feeling guilty, and not at the expense of other people. It is important in your acts and utterings to remember that you don't live alone, and you cannot live a happy life without people to share it with... you know, the whole 'no man is an island' chat. In your quest to finding, acknowledging and loving your true self, do not intentionally hurt the people around you. This is where you would apply the 'thought before action and speech' principle. Play your words first in your head to hear if you would be okay to have them said to you, ditto to your actions. Some people may excuse their poor behavior with being 'frustrated' or 'not being in a good space'. Deal with your demons. The little storms raging inside of you will eventually lose control and not only damage you but your outside world too, on all fronts, worst case. By acknowledging the fact that you are not okay and dealing with what's making you to not be okay is an act of kindness to yourself, that'll reflect onto others. Self-kindness can also be interpreted through being patient with yourself as you grow. Allowing yourself to feel every feeling without being too hard on yourself. You have to understand that there will come a time when you feel like you aren't exactly familiar with who you are anymore. Be honest with how you are truly feeling in those moments and feel without getting consumed. Embrace the change, regardless of the discomfort it brings and move with the flow of it. Maybe sometimes, the really dark and painful days that feel like something is ripping out of you, is the parting or separation of your old self from your new self, and it is presenting itself as a painful and uncomfortable transition.

The painful thing about this transition is the intermittent feeling of being stuck between two worlds, and constantly feeling like you are on either ends simultaneously. Listen to yourself and your intuition when faced with a decision-making crisis. Deep down you will know exactly what to do in whatever situation, despite the stress inducing back and forth. It is in these moments when you don't quite understand yourself or where your mind is at, that you need to hold yourself extra tight and give yourself some good lovin'. Be patient with your evolution and take it a day at a time. It is okay to be confused, flabbergasted and out of touch with yourself. With time you will get the grip of things and it will feel pretty stable again.

Another important one is how you interact and treat people and how you allow them to treat and interact with you. Like an echo, I'll reiterate – charity begins at home, it all starts with you. When you love yourself, people will find it easy to love you. When you respect yourself, they'll have no choice but to respect you. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it, but trust me they do. They'd simply be trying to 'crack you' or test you to see how genuine your self-affection really is, as a projection of their own insecurities. That's why it's important to never put up an act for the world because at some point you will crack. Be honest and give yourself time with yourself, so that valuing your self-worth doesn't feel like so much work to do or a heavy weight to bear. In that, you learn emotional independence. You know exactly who you are and what you stand for, that you don't seek any form of validation from anyone. You become strong as an individual and the world feels like it's falling at your feet.

The greatest feeling in the world probably has to be being yourself, and being unapologetic about the person that you are. Imagine the most peaceful, comfortable and relaxing state you have ever experienced, that's what I imagine being yourself without a care in the world feels like. Not being afraid to live in existence and just being. Not being afraid of being judged for looking a certain type of way, but just having fun being your own color of a person, painting the world as you pass by and leaving your mark. Understanding fully and deeply that different is exactly what the world needs – you are what the world needs. If how you look is rubbing someone up the wrong way; continue, you are doing great. Just have fun no matter what. Live and appreciate the phase of your life you are currently in because it won't last forever or have a part 2. You do not want the last thing to be looking back on being how you spent your days in front of the mirror trying to convince yourself that you are good enough. Love and accept yourself and the space you're in. Yes, some of us wish to change certain things about ourselves that we are not happy about; but may that decision be solely based on your happiness and not that of other people and wanting to please them.  If you do not have the means to do that transformation at the moment, do not wallow and vacuum the fun out of your own life. Enjoy where you are, and when that time comes, fall naturally into it.

In every situation, relationship and room that you find yourself in, be yourself and not who you think people want you to be. Do not camouflage yourself to try and blend in and belong. The ugliness of camouflaging yourself is that you blend in with your surroundings and you end up not being very visible. You are dimming your own shine and suppressing yourself by not being free and letting yourself be. If all that you are is not being appreciated in those spaces, the problem isn't you. We all have a place to which we belong. Walk away from people who cause you distress and compromise your peace, then disguise it as jokes or hide their ill intentions with affection. Do not allow the fake affection to cloud you and make you feel as though there is something wrong with you, that needs change or fixing. Don't lose yourself trying to fit in. You will find where you truly belong. Where genuine love and growth are encouraged, where YOU are seen and your true being is celebrated.

Give yourself the opportunity to feel how good it is to be real with yourself. The thing about authenticity is that it belongs to you, and nobody can forge, remake or take it away from you. You thrive when you are 100% yourself and unfiltered because you are in charge. The world becomes your dance floor and all you hear is the beat of your own drum which you're dancing to. March tall and proud to that beat. Give the world a taste of this greatness that you see in yourself. Issues with self-confidence and esteem come from wanting what we were not meant to be. You feel like you are always competing with the world and sometimes it becomes so hard to keep up. The only thing that you need to fail keeping up with is just how amazing you are, and how you keep yourself on your toes. Live in your truth and bask in its glory. All that you are is enough. Enough for you to be happy, to live out your dreams, to be loved and to be celebrated. You owe yourself that little.

Side note: We need to stop trying too hard and allow ourselves to breathe. We're holding our breath because we're expecting something from our actions to pay off. It might have worked for some, but not being genuine and always being so 'on guard' about yourself is exhausting. Release. Free your mind and just be a little birdie. Anxiety is a liar. If you can, try to believe the opposite of the negativity that you hear in your head about yourself. You already know that you are everything and more. But, because it hasn't been validated by someone else then it lacks truth. It's hard, I know. It will get better though. Then, two days later it doesn't feel so good anymore, and it feels more like you've backtracked. If you stopped running and deceiving yourself, and allowed yourself to confront and feel these emotions, you would understand that it is the essence of life. Life does not have to be perfect, but it can be good. It's even worse when you don't have any friends and you feel unloved. You start questioning yourself and whether there's anything wrong with you. You are looking at all these people around you and all you want for yourself is what they have. Take it a day at a time. Free yourself from expectations, so that you don't set yourself up for failure when things don't go your way. Be patient with yourself. Cry when you feel overwhelmed and the urge to cry. Cry when you feel rejected. After the weep session, come out of it and remind yourself that you are enough and not for everyone. They left and that's okay. You are still alive, alive for the endless possibilities. Hold yourself in perfect tenderness and nurture yourself. You deserve a happy and fruitful life. Take your best swing at it and be proud looking back, that you did you for you!


[REFLECTION: With the little that you have, have fun. Life is too short, make it a memorable one. Live everyday with great fulfillment that you did what you could, and be full and content with it all. Love every inch of yourself so that it doesn't come as such a shock or an impossibility when love comes your way. Be for yourself before you expect someone else to be for you.]