Writes of Courage

Chapter 6: Mental Health and Identity Crisis

Matters of the mind have become an area of focus and I could not be happier to be alive at such a time. We are all trying our best to ease our minds into it and allowing ourselves to bear out into the open our painful and fleshy wounds in order to find healing, in one way or the other. I bet most of us have come to the realization that running only makes us wearier instead of losing our issues in the wind. We run more and more out of breath, and at the end of the day the pain persists. What cuts the deepest is that somewhere in the process we lose ourselves. What are you left with when you lose yourself?

Poor mental health is much like a disease that eats away at your soul, potentially leaving you as an empty capsule that sees it not fit to exist any longer. It's agonizing, in a way that you cannot begin to dress into words, let alone fathom. You can never really say you understand what a person is going through until you've personally trailed though that thorny track. My heart goes out to every single person out there in the world feeling hopeless and lost. Feeling like their life has detached from its purpose and it no longer serves anyone any good; people who feel down and dark every single moment of their days. Through this passage, I wish to ignite a flame of hope that I pray restores all that is lost in your life.

The causes of poor mental health vary vastly, depending on the person and circumstance. We often use the word 'depression' to describe or try to make sense of what we'd be going through so that it feels a bit under control, as opposed to feeling like you are about to lose your mind from both the dark and heavy feelings and not knowing what's wrong with you. A lot of us self-diagnose in order to have a category to box these feelings and thoughts. I try not to use that word so much because it is a broad umbrella that encompasses a wide range of mental health issues. I think it's very important to sit down with yourself and try to pinpoint what exactly is it that's making life so unbearable for you. That way you know exactly what you are working with and how to try and figure out how to help yourself. Because even though you may not know what's wrong with you, it must have stemmed from somewhere and the answer to that is one self-confrontation away.

I believe that a lot of mental health issues are a result of trauma. It affixes itself onto our souls and captures all the gladness we've ever known. What it does is that it takes you from a place of emotional comfort and stability, disrupts that entire structure and leaves you in a state of absolute perplexity and abstract chaos. Something in you gets shaken so badly that you are never the same person again. It can be gradual from a repetitive cycle or a once-off incident. Something like rape. The thought of being dehumanized and hurt to that degree has the power to haunt you. Rejection from loved ones. Public comments about your body or appearance that lead to body dysmorphia. Loss. These are just the tip of the iceberg really. These are traumatic circumstances that are sharp enough to cause scars that don't heal. The kind of pain that never ceases and you spend a lifetime running away from. However, some ensue from living so much in one's head that it becomes unhealthy. The constant overthinking that is unnecessary, but somehow can't be helped.

No matter the issue, pain is the same – because it's all pain! Watching yourself fall into a deep, dark hole and drowning in your thoughts of torment is something no one is worthy of experiencing. For the first parts of it, there's a lot of confusion and ill-feeling. Slowly losing interest in the things that you love. Rollercoasters of emotions that you cannot control, that predominantly include random outbursts because you feel awful and you don't know what's causing any of it; mental breakdowns where you just can't function one bit and excessive crying till you become so numb that your tear ducts dry up for these feelings. Because you feel ill all the time, isolation feels right in that space. What starts off as some 'time out' from the world to regroup and self-care, ends up being a dark place of resenting everything outside of your own personal space. You spend time with all these thoughts and feelings that you don't understand, that keep overwhelming you. The irritability intensifies, that it takes the tinniest thing to set you off. The pain and frustration can then take different forms – anger, anxiety, paranoia and commonly, all of them at once.

Your world continues to grow dim and you feel completely helpless. Your mind becomes your worst enemy and the dark thoughts engulf you. It reaches a point where you become absent in the present and lose complete consciousness of your surroundings. There are moments where you feel like you are losing your mind. Your memory fades, and sometimes you get so disoriented that the easiest things become so complex to do. You embarrass yourself and take it all to heart and you just get so frustrated at yourself. It all causes you so much (social) anxiety that it becomes a no-brainer to coup yourself in more because that way you won't have to be around people and feel like everyone is looking at you, and you are making a complete clown out of yourself. The paranoia, hallucinations and anxiety all accumulate to a point where it just becomes too much to continue enduring because every day feels like a fight for survival. Then one ends up concluding that a life of that nature is just not life anymore – it's not worth holding on for.

Suicide is the last straw, which can either be clouded by emotion or had contemplation. Nobody would just voluntarily wake up one day and decide that they are done with life. It's a terrifying thought that looms when all hope has been relinquished – not by choice, that is. Wishing not to be alive in the world anymore is an extraordinarily painful type of feeling. Looking at your loved ones, your life and all the plans you had for the future and allowing yourself to let it all go. It's petrifying and yet feels like it needs to be done because the pain you're living with is just not right to live with. At this point, the shameless darkness has claimed victory and you have no strength in you left.

I know how difficult it is to want help so badly but you just can't get it. Either because nobody cares, or we think they don't care, or we just don't know where to even start asking for help. Some do reach out for help but are shut down at every attempt. Because that time of one's life is unclear to them, a cry for help won't be black and white. The fluctuations in their behavioral pattern is a way of indirect communication. Trying to explain something that you don't understand yourself is throwing down the gauntlet. Words fail. A lot of the time a blind eye is turned to the progressive change in attitude. It is often regarded as a phase that will pass, or being moody or cold towards other people, or being choosey when, for instance, one's increasingly losing their appetite. As a people that know that person, you should be noble enough to ask what's wrong. Try by all means possible to understand why this person has suddenly changed and 'switched-up' on everyone. It's only after the person's suicide attempt or their passing that we start tracing back our steps and wondering what could've drove them to that point and pushed them over the edge. We recount ways in which that person had changed but we just overlooked it. At that point it would be a life too late. Support, a listening ear and sensitivity could truly go a long way.

The truth is that, a journey of battling with your own mental stability is an excruciating one and everyone has their own 'pain threshold'. It has nothing to do with being weak, but with just how much you can bear, and allow yourself to hold on to. Feeling worthless and vulnerable all the time is awfully toxic – traumatic enough on its own. It turns into a nightmare when you start realizing that you've changed beyond your own recognition. Looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering what ever happened to you. All the love and joy you effortlessly oozed have become a thing of ancientness.

Losing yourself in a manner that you feel you have no control over whatsoever is petrifying. Not understanding anything about yourself anymore, losing interest in the little things that made you smile and having all the joy in your heart completely erased. It's crippling. There's the good kind of 'self-loss' that opens a window to re-discovery and exploring your growth and evolution. Enjoying the strange things that happen to you. This now kind of self-loss I dare refer to, is like walking behind your shadow until you feel its dullness overcome you and you feel like you are just a passenger in your own life. You lose consciousness most of the time and make decisions that, in the moment seem well-thought out, but later when you've 'come back' it all feels senseless and imprudent. Your own life becomes a mystery to you. You do things that contradict the person you thought you were. It literally feels like you lose absolute control of your mind and you are not accountable for anything that happens from there. Then you get this feeling that you are 'back' and you are you again. The scariest part of it all is being afraid of turning into a danger to yourself and your loved ones. The trauma that you would've sustained has you questioning everything you believed in or thought you knew, and you end up back at the drawing board. You grow resentment over yourself – you try run from your thoughts, you lose your confidence, you detest how you look and you become scared of existing in the world. It's like everything is wrong with you and you don't know how to fix any of it. Nothing makes sense anymore. You don't feel good enough or worthy of anything. You become overly sensitive and feel exposed whenever you're in the slightest contact with the world. What's most frustrating is that whether you fight to regain yourself or you just wallow and let things be, it's equally draining and torturous. This is an ineffably horrific place for a human being to be in. Looking at yourself in the mirror and through your own eyes you can no longer access your soul. It's like watching your own life from the outside.

It's really unfortunate that so many people suffer from mental health issues to their tomb. There are words I use for comfort when I feel like nothing is coming together and there's terrible luck awaiting me at every turn: 'nothing is impossible' or 'anything is possible'- same truth, just different versions. But I prefer 'anything is possible' better because it has a positive tone to it. When I feel sick and it seems impossible to get out of the dampness I'd be feeling, I simply affirm to myself that 'anything is possible'. If anything is possible, and there's no limit to it, then it means if I believe that I will get better, so it shall be. If I believe it, it becomes easier to work from there. Building myself up again one day at a time – falling apart as I would be on most of those days, I hold on to the faith that one day, someday, I will be myself again. I will be happy again because that's what I deserve. It starts with a change in attitude. The painful and tormenting thoughts don't go away, at least not immediately or completely, but having other things to focus on that fill you up and diverge your attention from the torture helps.

Instead of dwelling on the negativity and entertaining the scary thoughts by looking at scarier things online that feed this fiend that's eating you up and falling further into darkness, choose the light. Remember everything is happening in your head, and since it belongs to you, it only makes sense that you resume control over it. However, you have to do it in a way that won't leave you drained and feeling worse than you did previously. Convince yourself that you are not sad. Write it up some place where you'll be able to see it in a manner that will serve as a constant reminder to you – your phone's lock screen, the wall or even as a tattoo. Eventually it will translate itself to 'I am happy'. It's a gradual process that you should ease yourself into without any deadline or pressure but the intent of being a version of yourself that's in love with life and its endless possibilities and the fact that you are beyond entitled to feeling good about yourself and your life. Look up videos and images that you can't help but beam when you look at them and allow yourself to get consumed in all that beauty without feeling bad or guilty. Acknowledge the marvel that is the world, that God has beautifully created and reassure yourself that you deserve to exist in it. Watch things that make you crack a laugh and remind you just how simple life can be if you let go and live in the moment. Read motivational quotes with deep understanding and interpret them in a way that will relate to your current circumstance. Listen to your favorite artist – the one that gets you in your feels and connects you to the deepest and intricate parts of yourself, and leaves you feeling calm. When you have the mental and physical capacity to – exercise. There's no better form of exercising than singing and dancing to your favorite tunes, from your favorite artist. Taking a walk outside is also incredibly refreshing and somehow opens a window of positivity in your mind. Fully absorb those little moments that mean so much and allow for a brief penetration of hope into your soul.

Because sometimes it's so hard to understand what you are going through, on the days when you wake up feeling a bit stronger, pen down what you are feeling and what's going through your mind and release as much as you can. You can even read them back to yourself if you need to. It may be a lot sometimes and your mind would tend to be racing so much leaving you frustrated, write down what you can in the moment and when you feel like you're losing it, go back to those things that calm you down. Sleep if you have to or if you can, and when you feel up to it, try again. Healing is a process, and it can be achieved by facing your terror and navigating through it with kindness to yourself. It's a journey that you should allow yourself to embark on. No rules, nothing – just a willingness to be at peace with yourself again. Remind yourself always that you are trying your best, and that's enough. Celebrate your progress and acknowledge your setbacks. Acknowledge that you are strong and powerful because you are able to try. Listen to your body and respect what it commands on the day. If you need to take a day off from doing life that day, do so. Those that have people to take care off, ask for help. You cannot function from mental pressure and physical strain. Count your blessings everyday and appreciate all that you have, instead of focusing on what you wish to have but can't as yet, or what you've lost. There are so many ways of allowing positivity in, to flow through you.

Nothing beats knowing that you have someone to lean on, who is understanding during this time in your life. Someone that's willing to stand by your side through and through. If you have that person in your life, please don't shut them out or hurt their feelings. I understand that sometimes it just gets really hard that you don't want to talk or be pushed into doing anything. If you have that person who understands, shoot them a text or even write down on a piece of paper your current headspace and what you would appreciate in the moment – quite alone time, food, cuddles or company. Anything but push them away and make them feel bad for trying. Include them in the little that you understand in that moment.

It's ill-fated that there are so many people who don't have a support structure or help, let alone someone to talk to through their dark times. Some are able to come out of it by themselves, while others aren't spared the fortune. I cannot emphasize enough how we should never judge people and base such scenarios on choice and strength. You have no idea how deep that person's situation was that they ended up giving up on their life. Do not wait for a situation to hit close to home before seeking the necessary knowledge. Ignorance and judgement are such illnesses, that we should heal and free ourselves from as individuals and as a global community, through educating ourselves and each other, and choosing to be better people. That's where you should base choice. Reach out to support groups and organizations that deal with mental health issues and get help. Life is worth living. Don't make permanent decisions based on temporary circumstances, please.

In as much as self-diagnosis helps one to understand what they think they may be going through, I don't recommend it so much. Try seeking professional help from a point of talking, to be able to understand your emotions and thoughts. If you can't, write and try to break everything down. Reach as far back as possible into your trauma and pain in order to at least try and make sense of what's going on with you. Science and the internet aren't always accurate or even correct because it's the work of another person, who's also human and naturally prone to imperfection, just like you and I. Look within and allow the answers to present themselves. You can't look for solutions to a problem whose cause you aren't acquainted with. But most importantly, pray. I cannot promise that it will go away, but we can only try, for ourselves.

I barely grazed this giant that is mental health. Everything about it is so complex and unique to its victims. I can only hope that what I was able to touch on makes someone out there feel a bit better. Everyone at some point in their life goes through a period of suffering from a mental health issue(s), degrees and durations of which are based on the person and their circumstances. What you need to hold on to and remember as an individual going through something is that there is a myriad of people in this world who are also going through something. Don't allow the pain to consume you and take over your life. Be kind and gentle with yourself, bearing in mind every day that what you are feeling does not have to be a permanent part of your reality. Take measures to help yourself. Only invest your energy into things that you feel are going to help you. Never see yourself as a burden, the world needs your light – nobody else has it. I hope this entire passage was read in the tone of kindness that I wrote it with.


[REFLECTION: There's no shame in not being okay; none whatsoever. Treat yourself with tender kindness and remember that regardless of your pain, you deserve to be happy, alive and present in every moment of your life. You are not alone – you are never alone. Fight for yourself, you are worthy of it.]