Writes of Courage

Chapter 8: Relationships: Kinship and Friendship

To keep or not to keep? Is the most important question when it comes to the relationships that we have with the most important people in our lives. Undeniably the two core relations that we have in our lifetimes that play an unequivocally big role in how we turn out as individuals. A lot of growth, learning and unlearning. Happiest times, proudest moments and traumatic events - love and war much?! The ones who capture and occupy the greatest parts of our hearts. The chosen ones who get to experience us at our best and worst and are supposed to always be there no matter what. The irreplaceable ones who tear away the most loving and hidden away parts of us when they leave us. They are also the ones who are capable of breaking us in ways unimaginable. The pain of their hurt is the most disheartening because it is never anticipated. We expect more from each other because we are tied together by the love that pumps through our veins for each other. The investment of love whose returns we expect to be kindness, respect and an eternity of companionship. We are meant to protect each other and not become the other's source of agony and terror. It unfortunately does get dark in the world of family and friends.

A lot of us take for granted the honour of having people to call family. People who are always there for every up and down and bring out the best in you. Individuals who you know you can always lean on without ever feeling like a burden. Basically, the 'star cast' in your life story. What's intriguing about the term 'family' is its ambiguity. It does not restrict itself to beings with whom we share blood. It's like an open avenue to people that we choose to share life with due to their heavenly presence and unwavering love and support. It's a true blessing to know what it feels like to be loved full circle and always feel protected and cared for. A blessing that should never go unrecognized, because we only acknowledge what these people mean to us and how much we love them when they pass away. Tell them how much you love them as often as you can, so that they always know, and you never get to live with the regret of never having told them [enough].

Death. The loss of a loved one on a permanent basis is a kind of pain that is unfathomable and can never be put into words. An infinite number of words that exist, fail in those moments to come together to mold the feeling into an expression. All the words that signify a deep kind of agony do not even scrape the surface of what one truly goes through during that time. It's absolutely shattering to lose love – the best part of all of us. The thoughts around never seeing that person again, touching them or even just hearing them and only have them become a memory are what make it so hard to process it all. It just really hurts – that's how I can describe it. There is an unspeakably and overwhelmingly heavy feeling surrounding you. Death hits every corner of the earth every single day, yet it will forever remain that one thing that nobody will ever get used to. It is tragic in the most unbelievable ways. It breaks one down so bad that absolutely nothing makes sense. The atrocity of its suddenness and how it ferociously rips out the most sensitive, fragile parts of you is unbearable. Looking at tomorrow without that person does not even register in your mind, because, how? Being in denial is the most normal thing to go through in a state of grief. Wishing that it all just may as well be a dream as it would already be feeling like one. It feels like one big nightmare that's just upsettingly being prolonged. In some moments it feels like the reality is setting in, while in others you feel bridged between it being a reality and a really bad dream. It makes you feel as though you are losing your mind. But truth is how do you begin to accept? How do you learn to live with so much pain? How and when does it get better? How do you learn to move on without them like they were never there? When do you let go? Do you actually ever let go?

There's no manual, it's much harder for most than it is for others. The veils that are pain and grief cloud all sight and make it all seem impossible. Healing has no timeframe. Holding on to your loved one as a memory is a thought that is beyond grueling. With time that is unknown to anyone, the wound does not necessarily close up and heal. You get used to it being there, hurting on the days when you truly miss them and feel their presence embracing you. You carry it as a beautiful part of you that will remain as a reminder that you have the ability to love, but above all you had the blessing and privilege of being loved. God is love. Where that person will always dwell, so shall God, to bring a soothing effect and remind you that you are never alone.

Amidst all the pain, death has given me perspective. One that is no stranger to anybody's ears: life is too short. Life is too short not to be lived to its fullest. I got to realize that the last thing I want is for me to reach my final destination having walked a miserable journey. Focusing on the negativity of the world and what people have to say about me. Wallowing in the things that I cannot change about my life, instead of having fun in every moment. Being free and fearless so that at the end of the day I am happy with how I turned out. Death has made me brave. It made me see life as one enormous possibility to be everything that I have ever wanted to be and do everything that I've ever wanted to do. Take in every moment and just fly. If I fall, I dust off my wings and try again. Make yourself proud to be all that you are and be unapologetic about it all, by just not caring. Live everyday like it's your last because it just might be. Love fiercely and boldly. Life is too short.

In the same breath, life is too short for us to be hurting each other. I am disturbed by the level of toxicity that exists in families and friendships. Having someone love and care for you will never be a license to abuse or take advantage of their affection and compassion towards you. The problem is that we get too comfortable in the idea of 'love' that we mistake it for weakness and a coupon that will always buy us forgiveness. So many of us are broken from our parents' dictatorship and pretty much behaviour and treatment that we find incredibly unnecessary. It is so unhealthy that it ushers us into our adulthood traumatized. It can range from the language and tone that they use in addressing us, comparing us to other people, making us feel less loved in comparison to our siblings, all the way to witnessing all strands of abuse between them. We grow up damaged and walk into a more damaged world. The trauma and confusion from that are powerful. Powerful enough that they take over other people's lives and they live led by the trauma and confusion. Others are fortunate enough to be able to walk down the road less travelled and not allow the trauma sustained to control their livelihood and the people that they turn out to be. We are left scarred, with trust issues and feeling unworthy of being loved. Kinship should be everyone's first source and example of how to love. Not all families or parents are good at vocalizing love, but rather are better at showing it. From that we understand how we deserve to be treated and loved. If we don't understand that from an early age, it becomes a major problem when we walk into the world. Many people tolerate abuse and being treated wrong because they don't know what it's like to be loved and treated right.

For me, friendship can easily be given an expiry date if it starts causing more harm than good. There are certain incidents that are forgivable, that can be excused as honest mistakes. Meanwhile there are others that even a blind man can see that they were consciously done. Unfortunately, nobody is labeled with their character and intentions across their foreheads. Imagine how easy life would have been if that was ever the case. Choosing to trust and open up your life to strangers is an extreme sport. Loyalty in friendships has become such a rare commodity, a novelty even. It is not guaranteed to anybody. If you have it, appreciate it – you are very lucky! A decade-old friendship or a new one, it has all become the same thing, it can end at any given point in time. See, we've been scarred severely because betrayal just feels like a price too high to pay for trusting someone.