CELESTIAL FLOWERS ( s. gojo )

arc vii ━ chapter vii. disharmony

a r c vii.

❝ is your name a wish, a prayer, or a hope?

is your name a curse? ❞

━━ chapter vii. disharmony

GREY CLOUDS GATHER OVER THE HORIZON. With the Suneater gone, the only ominous things that remained were traces of feathery dark clouds. A cool gust of air shakes the remaining leaves on the yet-to-be-uprooted trees, makes the fallen ones dance across the concrete.

Thunder rings across the heavens and soon, a droplet of rain falls on Erisu's cheek. Followed by another and another and another until millions of raindrops are falling from the sky.

"I failed..." Erisu murmurs and Kazuko wonders if the droplet sliding down her cheeks are raindrops or tears.

Kazuko reaches out her hand. She's scared to touch, but she reminds herself how she could have prevented all this suffering if only she reached out that day, and had held Erisu together just as she was always supposed to. (That's not your responsibility.) Kazuko ignores the voice and lays a comforting hand on her best friend's trembling shoulder.

"Eri..."

Erisu flinches, her eyes darting towards Kazuko and expanding in shock.

"It's fine," Kazuko tells her and she smiles. She has never been one with warm smiles; they have always been Erisu's specialty, but this once, she hopes that she's able to provide even a semblance of comfort. I'm sorry for not coming sooner. I'm sorry for not holding you together that day. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. "I'm here..."

Erisu has always embraced Kazuko, has always taken her hand and held it with her own. She has always accepted Kazuko and reciprocated affection. Even when they quarreled during childhood when Azu asked for a hug, she delivered and all would be fine again. And yet this time, there is palpable fear on Erisu's face as she moves away from Kazuko.

"Eri?" Kazuko's voice is laced with hurt, but she continues to reach out. It's your fault that she's breaking apart. If only you were stronger, then Erisu would be okay now.

(Her emotions are not your responsibility, you fool.)

Erisu shakes her head. She's hurting so so much, but what stands out the most is the scent of fear.

"Talk to me," Kazuko tells her, the soft voice she always reserved for Erisu. For the person she cared for most in the entire world. "It's going to be okay."

Erisu shakes her head again. Kazuko notices that some chunks of her hair had been cut haphazardly.

"Believe me," she tells Erisu. "Please. We'll be fine."

"I..." For the first time, she hears Erisu's voice. It's broken and hoarse. It no longer reminds her of idyllic farmlands and forests. The images that are conjured are that of gathering crows and abandoned warehouses. Tears begin to stream from her eyes, one after another. And when the heavens cried in anguish, all the burdens come tumbling down. "It's not me..."

She continues to back away from Kazuko, but the latter surges forward determined to save her from whatever cliff she's going to fall off. Erisu speaks again, her voice a low murmur, "I'm a failure... Father was wrong... it was never meant to be me..."

"Eri...?" 

She looks at Azu in a way that the latter has never seen before. Even through the haze of rain, Kazuko witnesses the bubbling vortex of unpleasant emotions that threaten a thousand cuts.

"It's always been you..." Erisu says and she has never felt so much hatred and fear directed toward her. If looks could kill, Erisu would have been responsible for her death a dozen times over. It makes Kazuko scared and confused. The raindrops continue pelting them. At every passing moment, they feel like acid corroding her skin.

"Eri, what's wrong?"

"It's always been you," she says. "Our mothers... our mothers are different, but we have the same father."

Kazuko can't even remember her mother, can't even muster a shred of emotion for the woman. "What?"

"We're sisters, you and I," Erisu tells her and there is so much pain in her voice.

Kazuko cannot accept it. Refuses to believe it. But what could explain the fact that no one has ever mentioned her father to her before save for the few murmurs of he's dead, that he didn't want you? The lingering look on Ebisu's face that always resembled regret. Was I a mistake? Was I wanted? Little Kazuko would ask as she climbed onto Fuyuko's lap.

"You must hate me, don't you?" Erisu asks her. There's a smile on her face, but it does not emit any radiance. "For not telling you. Father told me all about it a year ago, just after the events of that cult. I couldn't believe it at first, but it explained how devoted he became to my mother who he married only because of responsibility. He was driven with guilt..."

"Answer me, Kazuko." Erisu has never called her by her name before. It has always been Azu when she called for her. Eri and Azu. Their affectionate nicknames for one another. "You hate me, don't you?"

Kazuko should say no. Should refute the question with all her being. And yet, she could hear the intrusive voices echoing across her skull. The thoughts that prick and prod at her brain, all telling her to despise the girl who had chained her to a life of sacrifice, a life embellished with nightmares and scars. Of punishments and enclosure.

"I was raised to be an heiress of a clan, while you were some servant girl with no parents." Erisu looks at Akifumi's directions. "Only the elders and my father know of it. Akifumi and Father even reassured me. That I was the Nakano heir, that I was chosen for the duty of exorcising the Suneater. All my life I believed it, but then there was you. A bastard of a girl whose existence threatened everything that made me who I am."

Her head is ringing. She can feel that serpent coiling around her neck. Slithering across her skin and into her lips, into her mouth and it's inside of her. Claiming every inch of her. Kazuko is finding it hard to breathe.

"That doesn't matter," Kazuko says. "All of it doesn't matter. What's important—"

"It matters to me!" Erisu screams. Erisu never screams at her. Who are you? Kazuko wants to ask. Where have you hidden my best friend? Where have you hidden Erisu who calls me Azu and never screams at me? "It wouldn't hold value for you, but it does to me! It's everything I was raised to become! It's everything that I am! And... and...."

More tears stream from her face. Her voice breaks. And the sorrowful look on her face is replaced by anger. Erisu has always been the girl who tempered her emotions and all the built-up resentment and anger is now escaping through malicious words. All of them directed at Kazuko. Erisu's burdens. The ones on her back that are threatening to crush her. All thrown away. "And you're going to take everything away from me!"

"You're a thief!" she screams. Kazuko wonders if Erisu would hit her. She would. She definitely would. The only thing stopping here is the lethargy from the ritual. Kazuko feels cold. Maybe it's the rain or something deep inside of her threatening to let loose. "You're a thief, Kazuko! Your entire existence is an offense towards mine!"

Ah. Kazuko got it wrong. There was no best friend being hidden away from her. The Erisu who smiled at her, who told her that they were parts of a whole, who called her Azu, who spent so many lovely memories with her, who never screamed at her, who always forgave her and acted as a guardian that would shield her from solitude. That was the facade. All of it was a lie to hide the true Erisu. The true Erisu who called her a bastard, who called her a thief. Who had so much hatred in those golden eyes of hers.

Erisu doesn't stop. One word after another. Piling into sentences, into statements that she can never hope to erase once the anger subsides and she regrets all the things she's said.

"You must hate me, don't you? You do, don't you? Because I do!"

Kazuko is looking down. She's staring at her hands and the puddle of water stained with blood beneath. She's been clenching her fists too hard that the fingernails have gone past the seams and tore into the skin. She thinks of rot, painful black rot that dug at your flesh and seeped away every bit of life from inside.

"Because I hate you so much!"

Kazuko's hands, her hands that have always held Erisu's own with so much warmth. These hands that have been clasped together in so many prayers to keep her best friend safe, hands that have bled and scarred to ensure Erisu's safety. These hands that have been proof of her love and devotion.

They strike Erisu across the face.

"You're pathetic," Kazuko tells her.

The voice that has been murmuring all those thoughts in Kazuko's head. It is the one she uses when she speaks to the girl who's warped from saint to sinner in her eyes. From that figure of hope and radiance to such an ugly, ugly monster that has caused her so much pain. Kazuko does not see gold. It is all red in her head.

She thinks of all that Erisu has deprived her of. Erisu, the chain that bound her to the ground. And I loved you, even when you held me down. Freedom, a life with no more nightmares, no scars. A life with no duty. A life where she's traipsing across flowers and roads leading to even more wonderful places. This is the price of my loyalty. This is the price of my love. Hatred. Overwhelming heartache and hatred.

"I hate you too." 

━━ to be continued.

i. and bam! 

ii. lemme know what you guys think, the ending's next!