BEING JAMIE BAKER

Chapter 9

 Every time I closed my eyes that night, Ryan was there, holding me so tenderly that I felt as though I'd died and gone to heaven. Then I would pull away, and instead of his carefree smile I would see nothing but charred black flesh. That's when he would crumple into a pile of ashes around me.

I used to have nightmares all the time, right after my accident. But I hadn't had one in so long now that my parents actually came to check on me when I woke up screaming this time. I told them to forget about it and go back to bed, but sleep was a luxury I couldn't give myself. Not after that.

As if my nightmare weren't enough to make me feel sick, Ryan was not at school the next day. Aside from my obvious worry about the timing of his absence, I was filled with disappointment. It had been weeks since I hadn't come into the cafeteria and met his curious eyes. I couldn't believe how accustomed I was to being greeted by his smile, and even worse, how much I needed it to get through the rest of my day. I wanted to kick myself for feeling so addicted to his presence, but oddly enough, I wasn't the only one suffering from his sick day.

Only Ryan Miller could have such an effect on an entire school. He was the sunshine in this crappy prison, and without him a dark, dreary force loomed over the entire cafeteria. Or at least the popular kids' table.

On the bright side, it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one he had cast under his spell. Mike would grumble something to Justin every time he looked at the empty seat next to him—which nobody dared fill in Ryan's absence—and Paige sat across from them, sulking rather pitifully. The strangest difference, however, was the empty seat next to Paige. Of course Tamika was sitting on her right, hanging on her every word as usual, but the seat on her left, Becky's seat, was as empty as Ryan's.

"He'd better be dying," Mike was grumbling when I finally decided to see if they knew anything more than I did. "Coach was pissed when he ditched practice yesterday."

"Is that why you guys had to run so many laps yesterday?" Tamika asked. The scowl on Mike's face was an obvious yes.

"He must be really sick," Paige said. "Maybe we should go over to his house after school and check on him."

As much as I hate to agree with Paige on anything, I'd also thought about running over to Ryan's house between classes. I just wanted to see if he was there and make sure he was okay, but I chickened out. If I didn't know why he wasn't at school, I could pretend that his parents just dragged him to some Buddha convention or something, instead of the more likely answer—that he was hanging out at home because he was too scared of me to come to school. If that were the case, it wouldn't help any if he caught me superstalking him.

"I don't know, Paige," Tamika argued. "If Becky's gone too, maybe it's contagious. We have our first cheer competition next weekend. We can't all get sick."

"Becky's not sick." Paige had so much edge in her voice it startled everyone present, myself included. "She sat next to me in calculus this morning. I don't know why she bothered, though. She barely even said hi."

"Then where is she?"

"Avoiding us, obviously. She has been all week."

"You know?" Tamika looked as if she were just now realizing the truth in Paige's statement. "She has been acting really weird ever since the dance." She giggled flirtatiously at Mike and added, "What'd you do to her?"

"I didn't do anything." I was surprised by the defensiveness in Mike's voice. "I don't know what her problem is. We had a great time at the dance."

"And an even better time after the dance, from what I hear." Justin laughed.

"What? So, Mike, are you two, like, a thing now?" Paige asked.

Paige seemed pretty excited by the idea of Mike and Becky. She was obviously hoping she didn't have to worry about Becky as competition for Ryan anymore since everyone knows that "Ryan and Becky" is only a matter of time, but Mike burst her bubble pretty quickly. "She wishes," he said.

"Ugh, so it was you. Thanks a lot."

"What was me?"

"You're the reason Becky's been pouting all week. She's mad that you turned her down."

"What can I say? I asked her to go to the dance with me, not marry me. I can't be tied down like that. There are way too many beautiful ladies at this school."

Mike winked at Tamika as he bumped his fist against Justin's. Tamika's back was to me, so I couldn't be sure, but judging from her silence, I'm sure she swooned. I, on the other hand, threw up in my mouth a little. The guy makes me sick. I can't believe I used to think he and Ryan were on the same level.

I couldn't listen to any more, so I left the cafeteria and spent the rest of my day trying to block out everyone. Usually the best way to do that is to get lost in my own thoughts, which wasn't hard today. With Ryan not in school I was crazy with worry. Worried that I'd scared him so much he transferred schools, or that whatever I'd done to him somehow made him sick enough that he was in a hospital somewhere. Dying. Right now. Because of me.

As I walked to English my worry expanded beyond just Ryan's well-being. I started to fear that maybe he'd told his parents. That maybe they'd gone to the police. And maybe, just maybe, the government was planning a secret operation right now to take me away to Area 51 or some secret place like that.

My paranoia was disrupted when I reached the classroom and Becky was already there, with her head down on her desk. For the first time since I came to this school, I felt a hint of sympathy for her. What Mike did to her was pretty lousy. I couldn't believe I was thinking this, but when it was just the two of us in the room, I considered talking to her. I knew I shouldn't get myself involved in the mess—I already had more than enough trouble on my hands with Ryan, and I didn't need anyone else curious about me—but for reasons I simply can't explain, when she felt me staring and looked up, I actually smiled at her and said, "Hi."

Becky looked confused for a second, but she quickly turned her surprise into a brutal glare. The look stung. Not that she had any reason to be friendly to me or trust me, but it was the first time I'd made any attempt at all to reach out to someone since my accident. I was shocked that I'd done it, but I was way more surprised that her reaction to me hurt.

"There you are! I've been looking all over for you."

Paige's interruption startled us both. Paige glanced back and forth between the two of us and started to question what was going on, but then decided Becky was more important. "How come you didn't tell us what happened?" she demanded with bland sympathy. "Mike told us about Friday night."

"What do you mean?" Becky gasped. "What did he tell you?"

"He's telling everyone that you guys hooked up after the dance, and you freaked out when he said he didn't want to have a girlfriend."

There was something eerily familiar about Becky's expressionless eyes, and the hollow tone in her voice, as she replied to Paige. "Mike's a liar."

"You mean you guys didn't do it?"

Even if Becky's silence hadn't given away the truth, the tears in her eyes would have. She put her head back down on her desk, and Paige put her hand on her shoulder. "You got played, Becky, but you can't let him beat you. Everybody in school knows what happened. You've got to suck it up and not let them see that he hurt you. Otherwise you're going to..." Paige glanced at me and lowered her voice. Not that it mattered. "Otherwise you're gonna end up like her."

Becky's eyes naturally drifted back to me, and for the first time in my life, I looked away, feeling scared and ashamed. Scared of what Becky thought of me and asha